Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Merry New Year

Some friends invited me over for New Year's celebrations tonight. A welcome invitation. I am looking forward to a great year ahead.
  • I still have a job I like. but what will happen on that front?
  • Oldest will be graduated from high school;
  • and start college in the fall (two in college! Yikes).
  • Obama will be a great president (no place to go but up, eh?).
  • My divorce should be final in January.
  • I forget resolutions, but I'll make a few, anyway.
  • Later. I'll make them later

I served up some hospitality for a friend of a friend. Turned out I made a new friend, too. Indeed. Ever headed down this way, know that I have a spare bedroom and love to be hospitable. Of course, I have a big bed, too. But, well, anyway.

I will be glad to put 2008 behind me. How about you?

Best wishes, friends. Blessings for shalom for us all. Cheers!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Incarnation Happens.

Merry Christmas to all!

Back on meds, things are feeling better. This is a tough time of year, and it's a tough year.
Hey, incarnation happens in the messiest, toughest, and shittiest places.

Like a stable.

So, I got it good. Blessings on one and all.

Cheers and Shalom.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Blah blah blah

I've been gone a couple of days, traveling far and away to retrieve #1 offspring from college. It's a 510 mile trip. One way. So, all day traveling there (Tuesday). Pack car, head back, spend the night on the road, travel all the next day (Wednesday), to arrive for event at my work at 7 pm. Leave there at 9 pm. Home, crash.

Wake up, start over. This is a busy time. And all the stuff ain't done yet. But actually, I am beginning to feel a bit more Christmasy.

I've not gotten any shopping done. So, the next few days will be really hectic! Little money, little time, big creativity. So glad I'm gay . . . .

Monday, December 15, 2008

Better living through chemistry

This time of year is very tough for me. Very. So now, I'm starting back on the anti-depressants. Citalopram (generic Celexa - because the insurance company likes it). The side effects are troublesome. I think it's already lowered my sex drive (not too bad a thing, right now).

The worst is the delayed ejaculation. Oh, I can get it up, I just can't get it off! It takes quite a bit of effort. With exercised induced asthma, it's best to keep the inhaler handy!

No, I'm not moaning, just wheezing. What a life.

Monday, December 08, 2008

Hot Toddies

I've still got the crud. I think I'm going back to the doctor tomorrow and see what's going on.

Meanwhile, a friend gave me a hot toddy recipe. Half rum, half bourbon. Butter and sugar. Well, forget the butter and sugar. Half and half, heated for about 20 seconds in the microwave, goes into solution in no time.

I'm not coughing! and I am sooooo drunk. Time for bed. nite nite.

Sunday, December 07, 2008

[I'm a] Ho Ho Ho

I've been down with the crud that's going around. Not quite the flu (I've had my shot) but bad, nonetheless. I'm so glad they keep paying me.

As we approach this wondrous season, I'm too broke to even think about buying stuff to make presents. Tonight I've been opening up the bills and putting them in a pile. If I could think of something to sell to raise money, I'd do it. But it's just not going to stretch that far. I'll have to be busy working out payment plans.

I did get a new credit card from Target! Oh, joys! Now I can charge all my Christmas stuff (at about 28% interest)! This is really depressing!

Nonetheless, I am working hard to stay about the depression monster, trying to suck me down (and NOT in a good way) into the pit. Somehow, some way, I'll make it through.

Sometime this week, the folk who own the place where I live will be by with a realtor. That means I have to have the place all spiffy and neat. So they can sell it out from under me! I really don't think it's going to sell very fast, and not at the price they'd like. And I am sad about that. When they bought it, they had to re-invest some cash to stave off capital gains. But they bought residential mainly to give me a place to live. That was extremely kind.

Now, of course, the market has tanked, they'll never get their investment back, and it's all my fault. Well, I did not make the market tank. As with much else, this is all out of my control. I don't know much to do but let go of it.

I had plans to spend time with my youngest daughter this afternoon and evening, but she stood me up! I was really pissed about that. I'd planned on it, looked forward to it. Adolescents!

Well, enough. I'm not really a Ho Ho Ho, but if I thought I could make some money . . . . . For a good time, just call or email . . . .

Now, that IS funny!

Monday, December 01, 2008

I wonder - Living the questions

On public radio in our area is a wonderful show called Speaking of Faith. You may well have heard of it, or even heard it! Check our their website for all sorts of nifty stuff.

Tonight, host Krista Tippett interviewed Dr. Rachel Naomi Remen. (You can read about her on the website.) I was so taken by the following quote, I downloaded the show and listened again, just for this bit.

I have no answers, but I have a lot of questions. And those questions have helped me live better than any answers I might find.
----Rachel Naomi Remen
She told the story of a man dying of cancer whose symptoms disappeared. Tumors, lesions, all disappeared shortly after he came to the hospital to die. All the testing, samples, questions, did not answer all the whys. They concluded that his chemo (ended 11 months before) had finally worked.

Her greatest sorrow, she said, was that she believed that conclusion for decades. She says she now realizes that she was in the presence of the greatest encounter with mystery she would ever see.

It called her to wonder what life in this world is really about, what is possible, what is actual.

Rather than saying "Oh, it's a miracle!" Her questions of wonderment speak to me far more powerfully.

To wonder. To trust. To hope.

Some poet said, "Hope is the hardest love of all."

Just some thoughts.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

No H8

I have a really really bad cold. I am not a happy camper. But I will survive.
I am so very pissed that Prop 8 in California passed. I am ready to put up a fight. I want so badly to talk about it. But I must still be careful about outing myself inappropriately.
This betwixt and between is tough. As a passionate man, it is difficult for me to keep my trap shut. Really.
Sniffle, snort, cough, hack, ugh. I'm going back to bed.

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Hot Bear Sex (not)

Let's see if this title gets some hits.

I've been catching up on reading some blogs, but I've not posted in a while. I'll try to keep the whining to a minimum. So, here goes . . .

Tonight, I'm home alone. Whine. So, I've turned the heat up! Such profligacy! It's up to 68 degrees in here! It hasn't been above 65 this season. I am SO glad I'm on an equalized payment plan with the gas company! I'd rather have someone to help warm the bed, and me.

I live in a nice condo owned by others. They let me live here for next-to-nothing. It is the only way I could afford such as this. But hard times have hit all over, and they are going to have to sell it. This news came hard to me. They gave me first dibs, but there is no way I could afford the monthly payment on a mortgage (forget a down payment). No way. So, now I will have to clean house and get it ready to be shown. Now that IS scary. I know it will take a while to sell. Maybe quite a while. But the prospect of moving is a real drag.

A friend with ample room has already offered space. And other options may open. I'll have to take someone up on such an offer, because I cannot afford more than this unless I win the lottery (which I have yet to play).

Way will open. God will provide. But I am very thankful for what I have had (and still have). It has been nice to have guests on occasion. Sharing space with another person (even though he be another gay man) will limit my opportunities to entertain. (Not that I've done that much entertaining).

Oh, and the hot bear sex? Well, that's another story. One I'd have to make up, mostly. But maybe not totally . . . .

Monday, November 17, 2008

Bear with me

I'm really very busy right now, so I took the day off to get some work done at home. I mean I really do have to get some stuff done. So, here I am trying to catch up on reading some blogs and do anyting other than what I need to be doing.


Wednesday, November 05, 2008

Here, not there

The job interview in the neighboring state went well, but I did not get the job. Oddly, I am relieved to have that process out of the way. So, I'll stick around here for awhile.

The organization for which I work, odd though it is, is a great place with great people. Maybe some have figured it out. ("Do you think the boss is gay?") Nobody has said anything, so who knows?

One thing about being gay is that it is one question folk almost never ask. So it seems to me, anyway. Most of the folk with whom I work are older (60 plus). They are of a generation (and so am I!) that just would not ask that question of someone. The homophobia reaches so deep, that you would never want to suggest (read: "accuse") someone of being queer, for God's sake.

Such an insult. Such a terrible slanderous thing to say. NOT the way to win friends and influence people. You just keep quiet about it. Seldom even brought up in those gossipy, murmurs that exist around the edges. Just not done, honey.

So, for that reason, I am probably "safe", for a time.
As long as I don't have too much fun. . . . . .
God will make a way. I am confident of that. Just wish I knew which way.

Saturday, November 01, 2008

This, That, the Other

I've had quite a couple of days. Job interview in neighbouring state. Went well, I guess. I came out to committee of potential employers. They seemed to take it well, be supportive, etc., but what will happen next.

Went to a bar Halloween night. Shouldn't have done that. Behaved badly. And I am sad about that. More later. Maybe.

I have voted! Yeah for early voting! Wish I could vote NO on Prop 8 in California. I have actually donated, twice, to support the No on 8 campaign. And, I've given again to HRC for the same.

Damn. I feeling this political clout thing . . . . I am ready to fight.

I continue to be amazed by Fr. Geoffrey Farrow and his witness.

Tuesday, October 28, 2008

How much?

OK, I gave in and took a survey. Just how stereotypically gay am I? The questions suprized me. No, I don't watch Bravo because I don't have cable. Yes, I say "you go, girl" (on occasion) mainly because I have daughters. (The male version is "you go, bro.").

Oh, well. I got this from Greg. If you haven't seen his blog with its gorgeous, fabulous, beautiful pictures, check it out. So there.

You Are 42% Stereotypically Gay

You definitely have some stereotypically gay traits. You might set off a person's gaydar now and then. If you are not actually gay, you could be mistaken for gay from time to time. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

How Stereotypically Gay Are You?
Take More Quizzes

Monday, October 27, 2008


I'm working on a post, but not liking it. And I'm just too tired.

Weary is the word that suits better. Beyond tired, to weary. Not much end in sight.

But all shall be well. That's what I keep telling myself. All shall be well.

Blogger Boggled

Well, there's my blog roll, and then there is "blogs i follow" and what about google reader, in which I have read some blogs but i have no subscriptions in?

If you're not on my blog roll or listed as a blog I follow, please don't take it personally. [If you really want to be and have not yet made it, let me know. For a small fee, you too can be listed . . . . .]

I'm still trying to figure out all the add on's and stuff. And it's never as easy as it seems. Maybe if I read the instructions. . . . .

Thursday, October 23, 2008

The big bad boss (moi)

Exhaustion. Today, I feared I would have to fire someone who works with me. the details are unimportant, but it looked like some financial funny business might be going on. It's just that i didn't have enough information, and things looked different than they really were.
So, I guess I looked like a fool. But still I had to do what I did. I am the boss. And sometimes I really hate that. It all turned out OK. All things in order, fine. Just some others had made some decisions of which I was not aware (and should have been). This is not about fault or blame, but I felt a bit foolish.
I do not relish being the boss. Perhaps I shouldn't be? Maybe I should do something else. Wish it were that simple, but it ain't. It just ain't.

Thursday, October 16, 2008

Perchance to dream

Non-stop days working. Late nights and a lot of energy spent.

Last night, I could not sleep. Anxious thoughts about the future, job, what if's, all this, and all that. Something was keeping me awake. And some loneliness, too.

Out of town M-W for a job related meeting. Good. Excellent speaker. Had the chance to come out to some colleagues, quietly, privately. Support, hugs, love all round. Well, almost all. One or two a bit cool, but nothing ugly. It just is what it is.

Sleep. Sleep, now. Well, not quite yet. . . . .

Sunday, October 12, 2008

Nat'l Coming Out Day Late

Saturday was National Coming Out Day. I'm a day late.
Coming out, into the daylight, all the way, and fearing nothing, has not happened for me yet. But it has begun. To have thought a few years ago I would be where I am today, seemed inconceivable. To have had the courage to make the changes I have made still amazes me. And saddens me, too, sometimes.

Occasionally (though less and less) I wish I could be someone else. I wish I could have been straight. Kept my family together, been the nice, straight husband and dad. But it is not who I am.

A little while ago, in a conversation with a friend about Sarah Palin and her comment on "choosing" to be gay, he said, "I would never choose this." Like me, he had been married. his marriage ended quite a while ago, but he and his partner have been together for over ten years. He added, "Would I have chosen to be gay? No. But am I happier today than I have ever been? Absolutely.

Perhaps I did not choose this, but have been chosen. Left handed, brown eyed, etc., etc., and gay. It is the way i am made. And I am thankful to have figured it out. Sad as I am about not being able to be whom everybody else wants me to be, I am thankful to be who I am.

I'm coming out!

Today is the tenth anniversary of the death of Matthew
. Forget not. Pray for him, his murderers, for all who
suffer from hate, for all who perpetrate it.

Friday, October 10, 2008


Through the post of blog friend Donald, I am reminded of this poem by Mary Oliver. It seems appropriate for National Coming Out Day.

I have a local friend who is really struggling with coming out, ending a marriage, etc. Many the same issues I've dealt with (that I am dealing with, I should say), but we know I'm not alone in this. 'nuff said. This is for Charles, and for Greg, too.

The Journey by Mary Oliver

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice—
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do—
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Tuesday, October 07, 2008


Wondering "What would Jesus do?" Read this. Fr. Geoffrey Farrow, a Roman Catholic priest, pastor of St. Paul Newman Center, Frenso, CA, delivered this address (after mass, I think) to his parishioners this past Sunday. It will probably cost him his job, maybe his collar.

This is a long post, but worth the read.

As most of you know, I was appointed pastor here at the Newman Center on April 15th of this year. When I arrived, I set out to address a series of various projects to repair our facilities. To date, most of these deferred maintenance items have been addressed. In the middle of dealing with contractors, the parish finance committee, the building department of the diocese, neighbors, etc., I received a FAX from the bishop’s office on the 30th of June. It was the bishop’s pastoral letter for the month of July.

This single FAX threw my whole summer, and in fact, my whole life into a turmoil. Recently, I was speaking with some of our parishioners who advocate for the ordination of women. In the course of our conversation, a question arose which has haunted me: “At what point do you cease to be an agent for healing and growth and become an accomplice of injustice?” By asking all of the pastors of the Diocese of Fresno to promote Catholics to vote “Yes” on Proposition 8, the bishop has placed me in a moral predicament.

In his “Pastoral,” the bishop states: “Marriage is much more than simply two persons loving each other. Marriage is naturally, socially, and biologically, directed to bringing forth life.”

Actually, there are TWO ends to marriage: 1) Unitive and 2) Procreative. The unitive end of marriage is simply a union of love and life. The Procreative end is, of course, to create new life. It is important to understand that the unitive end of marriage is sufficient for a valid marriage. The Church sanctions, and considers a sacrament, the marriage of elderly heterosexual couples who are biologically incapable of reproduction. So, if two people of different genders who are incapable of reproduction can enter into a valid marriage, then why is that two people of the same gender, who are incapable of reproduction, cannot enter into a valid marriage.

The objections which are raised at this point are taken from Sacred Scripture. Scripture scholars reveal the problematic nature of attempting to use passages from the Hebrew Scriptures as an argument against same gender relationships. Essentially, these scriptures are addressing the cultic practices in which sex with temple prostitutes was part of an act of worshiping Pagan gods. With regard to the Pauline epistles, John J. McNeill, in his book: “The Church and the Homosexual,” makes the following point: “The persons referred to in Romans 1:26 are probably not homosexuals that is, those who are psychologically inclined toward their own sex—since they are portrayed as ‘abandoning their natural customs.’” The Pauline epistles do not explicitly treat the question of homosexual activity between two persons who share a homosexual orientation, and as such cannot be read as explicitly condemning such behavior. Therefore, same gender sex by two individuals with same sex orientation is not “abandoning their natural custom.”

In 1973, as a result of a greater understanding of human psychology, the American Psychological Association declassified homosexuality as a mental illness. In 1975, the Sacred Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (the Church’s watchdog for orthodoxy) produced a document entitled: “Declaration on Certain Questions Concerning Sexual Ethics.” In this document, they made the most remarkable statement. They stated that there are “homosexuals who are such because of some kind of innate instinct.” While these statements are hardly glowing affirmations of gay and lesbian persons, they represent a watershed in human perception and understanding of gay and lesbian people.

These new insights have occurred as a result of the birth and development of the science of psychology and understanding of brain development in the 19th and 20th centuries. The California Supreme Court cited and quoted an amicus brief filed by the APA in the Court’s opinion issued on May 15, 2008 that struck down California’s ban on same sex marriage. Specifically, the court relied on the APA’s brief in concluding that the very nature of sexual orientation is related to the gender of partners to whom one is attracted, so that prohibiting same sex marriage discriminates on the basis of sexual orientation, rather than just imposing disparate burdens on gay people.

In directing the faithful to vote “Yes” on Proposition 8, the California Bishops are not merely entering the political arena, they are ignoring the advances and insights of neurology, psychology and the very statements made by the Church itself that homosexuality is innate (i.e. orientation). In doing this, they are making a statement which has a direct, and damaging, effect on some of the people who may be sitting in the pews next to you today. The statement made by the bishop reaffirms the feelings of exclusion and alienation that are suffered by individuals and their loved ones who have left the Church over this very issue. Imagine what hearing such damaging words at Mass does to an adolescent who has just discovered that he/she is gay/lesbian? What is the hierarchy saying to him/her? What are they demanding from that individual? What would it have meant to you personally to hear from the pulpit at church that you could never date? Never fall in love, never kiss or hold hands with another person? Never be able to marry? How would you view yourself? How would others hearing those same words be directed to view you? How would you view your life and your future? How would you feel when you saw a car with a “Yes on 8” bumper sticker? When you overheard someone in a public place use the word “faggot?”

I remember the first time I heard that word, faggot, I was hanging out with my cousins. They all played on the football team of the Catholic high school in our town. One of them spat out the word in the form of a curse. I was just a kid in the 5th grade, I’d never heard the word before, and so I asked: “What’s a faggot?” A faggot is a guy who likes other guys, was the curt reply. Now pause. Think. What would those words mean to someone in junior high school who discovers that he/she is attracted to people of their same gender? The greatest fear that he/she would have is that they would be rejected by the people they love the most—their family. So, their solution is to try to pass as straight, deceive, and in effect—lie. Of course, this leads ultimately to self loathing. It should come as little surprise that gay teenagers have elevated suicide rates. According to the Center for Disease Control’s Youth Risk Behavior Survey (1999), 33% of gay youth will attempt suicide.

The bishop states: “The Church has spoken out constantly that those with a homosexual orientation must be respected with the dignity of every child of God. Every individual is created in the image and likeness of God and should never be subjected to prejudice or hatred.” A pious thought uttered by a cleric, robbed of any substantive meaning, as the executioner begins his work. Only a few select people actually read those documents. What most Catholics hear about being gay or lesbian at their parish church is--silence. A numbing silence, which slowly and insidiously tells them, “You don’t belong here, this is not for you, and you are not welcome.” It is not the crude overt vulgarity of some churches. But rather, it is the coldness of a maitre d’ who simply won’t seat you, or the club which has put you on a waiting list with no intention of allowing you to join. And simply asks you to wait in polite almost, apologetic tones.

In effect, the bishops are asking gay and lesbian people to live their lives alone. Why? Who does this benefit? How exactly is society helped by singling out a minority and excluding them from the union of love and life, which is marriage? How is marriage protected by intimidating gay and lesbian people into loveless and lonely lives? What is accomplished by this? Worse still, is to intimidate a gay or lesbian person into a heterosexual marriage, which is doomed from its inception, and makes two victims instead of one by this hurtful “theology.” This “theology,” which is parroted by clerics in polished tones from pulpits, produces the very prejudice and hatred in our society which they claim to abhor.

When the hierarchy prohibited artificial birth control, most of the faithful in the United States, Canada and Europe scratched their heads in wonderment and proceeded to ignore them. There is an expression in theology: “the voice of the people is the voice of God.” If your son or daughter is gay/lesbian let them know that you love them unconditionally. Let them know that you are not ashamed or embarrassed by them. Guide them as you would your other children to finding true and abiding love. Let them know that marriage is a union of love and life and is possible for them too.

I do not presume to tell you how to vote but I do ask that you pray to the Creator of us all. Think and consider the effects of your vote on others, especially minorities in our society who are sitting next to you in church, and at work. The act of casting a vote takes you a few minutes but it can cause other human beings untold happiness or sorrow for a lifetime. It can grant them hope and acceptance, or it can cause them to lose civil rights. It can be a rebuff to bigotry and hatred, or it can encourage bigotry and hatred. Personally, I am morally compelled to vote “NO” on Proposition 8. It is my hope that the people of California will join with those others around the world such as Canada, Europe and South Africa who welcome their gay and lesbian family members fully into society by granting them the civil right to marry.

I know these words of truth will cost me dearly. But to withhold them, would be far more costly and I would become an accomplice to a moral evil that strips gay and lesbian people not only of their civil rights but of their human dignity as well. Jesus said, “The truth will set you free.” He didn't promise that it would be easy or without personal cost to speak that truth.

cut and pasted from

Monday, October 06, 2008

And the Greatest is

I know many have posted this, but if you've not seen it, watch, please . . . .

Wednesday, October 01, 2008

Swamp Draining

Attention: NO swamps OR alligators were harmed in this posting. We neither advocate nor endorse the harming of any animals (except flies and mosquitoes) or landforms.

You know the old saying: "When you are up to your ass in alligators, it's hard to remember that you came here to drain the swamp." or something like that.

Well, I'm up to my ass (actually, much deeper than that) in something. Work has been heavy, in workload and content. I like to read and comment on others' blogs, but there hasn't been time (or connectivity) for that.

I mentioned in an earlier post about a telephone interview related to a job transfer. Well, I made the cut! SOOOOO, I will be getting the face to face interview. In that interview, I will tell them that I am queer. It may be a deal-breaker, but at least, a) I will have some practice talking about it in such a setting, and b) they will have to face the issue and face me, as well. I will be putting a face and a personality on this issue of accepting GLBTQ people. As in many places, they talk a good game. Will they live it, as well? We'll see.

My visit with them will involve a meeting with that areas "district manager". I'm not worried about that; he is known in our organization as an open and affirming executive who will walk the talk.

Forgive me if I haven't commented on your blog. I may have scanned it and not commented or maybe I just ain't gotten to it yet. I hope to catch up. I'll try to post as I can. It helps me work out some of my "schtuff."

I so very much appreciate the support of so many. Thanks for your comments. Keep 'em comin'.

Shalom & Cheers to all.

Sunday, September 28, 2008

My Ice Cream is Melting

OK, this is on a lighter note. Check this out. Stunning.

Here & There

The proverbial one-armed paper hanger has been the essence of my job description this week. Work to the left of me, more work to the right. Long days. Tiredness.

Not only have I not posted, I haven't even had time to read and respond to the blogs of others. So, now there are many past posts to peruse. Seems like time is running out, but running out of what? Fear sneaks in sometimes as I get over-wrought over all there is to do and all that I want to do. No time for it all, it seems.

Today, I had a phone interview for a job. Nerve wracking! I guess I did "OK", but I won't know for a week or so. If I make the next cut, it will be the face to face thing. Then I will come out to them. I'm in a line of work that is quite odd, and job searches take a long time. By that I mean that once in the pipeline (so to speak) for a particular position, it can take months to "play out."

To walk and chew gum at the same time would, for me, be a challenge (but since I don't chew gum, I am saved from that particular embarrassment). Managing several job searches is daunting!

And, the emotional/spiritual/psychic drain is big and exhausting. I am trusting the God has me in the palm of God's hand. I believe Way will open (as saith the Quakers), but "in the mean time" is tough.

I think I'll go buy some ice cream.

Monday, September 22, 2008


Quick, a post before my Internet connection goes to bed! I am getting clearer, stronger, more centered. except of course when I'm not.

And now for something completely different . . . . .

My PA has healed and doing quite well. I've managed peeing with little or no problem at all. (With a PA, peeing can be a bit of a challenge only in that the stream may splatter all over the place).

Well, today, at work, I went to the urinal, leaned way over, as usual. Did fine. Or so I thought. Then I realized, the circular barbell had channeled a stream of pee all over the leg of my britches. HA!

Being one who takes things in stride (hmmm. . . . . there's a pun there somewhere), and with nothing much I could do about it, I just had to put up with it. I'm sure glad it was about time to go home!

Well, as Monty Python would say, "Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition."

And . . . . . . Just a random photograph of local mountains.

Saturday, September 20, 2008


Yes, I am alive and actually doing OK. Busy, busy week. Ups and some real downs. But right now, tonight. I'm well. And, I'm good, too!

Hahahaha. More tomorrow. or not

Monday, September 15, 2008


I love to kiss. And this video kiss intrigues me. If I can figure out how to do the loop-playing thing, I might add it to the side.

Today, I turned my body in a disadvantageous way, and coughed. Ugh. I've taken the day to lie in bed with ice, heat, anti-inflammatories, muscle relaxers, and such. Tomorrow, I hope to be able to move.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

This, That, and the Other

My Grrr.... continues, with some deep sadness going on, too. I had supper with a newer friend, "C." on Saturday. He is in similar circumstances to me: married, offspring, now separated, even some similar sexual addiction stuff. He is articulate, thoughtful, and grounded but with a deep sense of humility and openness to the wonder of all that is happening to him. I appreciate his friendship, good humor, and sensibleness. I could use some sensibleness.

Helping another friend move has exhausted me physically and even emotionally. It is a relationship for which I am grateful but one that drains me. I'm not sure if it's his neediness or things within myself that he sets off.

Either my computer or my neighbourhood link are messing up. Phooey. I have been "piggy-backing" on some body's unsecured wireless network. It has always gone off between 10 and 10.30 in the evening (except when it hasn't). And, it seems to be on by 7 in the morning, or before. Not being very functional in the morning, I don't attempt to type (or much else) at that early hour.

Lately, I haven't been able to pick it up at the usual times. Some times it's there. Sometimes it ain't. Very frustrating.

Blessedly, I can go to my favorite grocery store-cafe, sit comfortable, drink coffee, and blog, read, and write to my hearts content. They close at 10 (9 on Sundays) so I'm not up too late.

And, the scenery at my favorite grovery store-cafe is often quite picturesque, occasionally hot, and even devastatingly handsome on rare occasions. Handsome James is working tonight which is helping the decor. We go for what we can, ya know.

Friday, September 12, 2008


A friend made the very kind and generous gift of a massage! Much needed. Much welcomed. maybe even Much deserved! (?)

Being nice to myself is very difficult. Accepting niceness from others, likewise. Nonetheless, I had a great massage yesterday. [Note: very straight massage therapist was very woofy! I kept my eyes closed lest I be distracted.]

But afterwards, I got grumpier, and the day did, too. Maybe it's bad spirits, negative juju, the lingering effects of seven years past. maybe it was just stuff. But maybe it was my body.

I have done some work with mind -- body connection. Some emotions (such as anger) have physical components - perhaps I should say physiological - and remain in our bodies if they are not allowed to emerge. Some work on the body, like a massage, can bring things out, release them, send them forth. And I think that's what happened yesterday.

Today is better, but subdued. Anger, fear, sadness, anger, and anger all came up for me through the day, yesterday. Tears, grunts, shouts, and more tears.

At first I wondered what was "wrong." Too often I go there. It's about something being wrong, something I have done, some mistake I've made, something done or left undone. But then I came to see that on occasion it is, simply, just what is.

I am grateful.

Thursday, September 04, 2008

The Closet

Surfing around, I came across this video at Pip's blog. I wept. Loudly.

Me, myself, I

I'm having one of those sinking feelings, getting overwhelmed with stuff and life and everything. It may be in large part due to illness: I've had a chronic sinus infection for several months. Now I'm on my third antibiotic which should quell the bug (or kill me otherwise).

Like most folk, I get depressed when I'm ill, and I haven't felt like myself in several months. Wait. Do I know what "myself" feels like? Hmmm.... I'll have to think on that some more.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

Ordinary Day

Note: I've taken out the picture of me buzzing my head. Too recognizable, I guess.
Though I want very much to reveal all of who and what and how I am, it's just
too risky. Sometimes I push the envelope, and I don't want to get squashed
in the process. My livelihood and the lives of others may be too adversely
affected right now. One day. One day

Saturday was chores day. Twice a month or so (if I remember) I give myself a haircut. No. 2 buz, all over; #1 in the front (sometimes). I always do things the same way, except when I don't.

This is me on my back deck, using the sliding glass door as a mirror. This is not detail work, friends. It works. I figure I save at least $10 by doing this myself. Would I look better with a little longer hair, nicely styled? Probably, but I'm too frugal; besides, I don't have to look at me.

There are always some trimmings left over, swept back into nature.

There is also laundry to do! Ugh. It's not the washing and drying I mind; it's the folding and putting away.

Here is my ugly-fabulous avocado green washer! Only $5o at the Habitat for Humanity store! The plain jane white dryer is on the left. [Yes, I know the laundry nook configuration is weird. It's a long sotry].

That's why I am so glad I have the beds set up in the guest room! New palces to put the laundry in my long-standing experiment to see if it will fold itself! Hasn't worked yet, but why give up now.

As you can see, I have plenty of room. Come visit.

There and Back Again

No. 1 is well ensconced in college for year three. Good it was to spend time - just the two of us. Much done, good daddy deeds (shoe rack mounted on door, curtain rods up, and special lighting installed).

And, I was able to devise a more scenic, more relaxing, and (indeed) friendlier route from here to there. The "usual" route involved getting on the interstate, drive to Memphis, turn right, then left. Park. The new and improved route does take a bit more time (but not too much) and is only 10 miles longer. It goes through two gorges, past at least three dams, over some really neat bridges, and a stop-over on the way. That was the best part.

RayBob kindly invited me to stay over at his Little House which is close-enough-to-half-way betwixt here and there. What a wonderful man! Kind hospitality, great conversation, and more! A man of deep spirit, easy manner, and great handsomeness, too!

It made for good preparation for and decompression from the drama of the college delivery.

Thanks, RayBob bear for your kind hospitality, warm friendship, and loving spirit.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

Grok and (unrelated) Drama

Along the journey, we have forest, desert, oasis, wilderness, open field, and rivers. On occasion, those rivers may be dangerous torrents or wide barriers. But there are also streams of "living water" providing refreshment and relief. Such was my weekend with RayBob.

With open hearts and minds, connections happen. Spirits move. We really grokked.

This week days are filled with preparations to get daughter #1 back to college, so I've not much time to post. Of course, in family tradition, there is great drama with everything!

Well, I am gay, after all. Who'd a thunk it?

Saturday, August 16, 2008


August 6th is the Fest of the Transfiguration. (See Luke 9:28-36). Jesus takes with him Peter, James, and John. They climb up "the mountain" and spend time in prayer. Suddenly, Jesus is "transfigured before them" (metamorphosis in Greek). They see Jesus with Moses and Elijah (guess they all had their name tags on). Suddenly, "a cloud came and overshadowed them; and they were terrified as they entered the cloud."

The past few weeks have felt like that terrifying cloud overshadowing me. [Thanks to all who left supportive comments, a post or so back.] But, as with the Transfiguration, it was in the midst of the cloud that the voice of God spoke.

While I have heard any voices lately (not like that!), I have remembered some things. To re-member is to become again, to re-call, even to re-live (in a sense) something you once knew, were once a part of (that is still a part of you).

The incredible terrain I have traversed in the last year has been immense and has taken a toll. Overloaded, my soul needs rest. What's called for, I believe, is some balancing of work and creative down-time. Accepting and living with and within the "cloud," I am seeing, feeling, re-membering the Presence.

Be still and know; tarry thou the Lord's leisure; the holy One watches over my going out and my coming in (and my coming out, too).

Jesus' said "Do not be afraid." I dare say he meant it.

And in other news new friend RayBob had to come to town for a family gathering, and I offered hospitality. He is great fun (and very woofy!). It's lifted my spirits considerably having someone here, moving me out of my 'stuff.'

Friday, August 08, 2008


Well, I have to post something today, it's 08-08-08.. My day off. Unremarkable, except for my dying computer. The keyboard and mouse are acting very strange and strangely. I must type slowly and make sure the letters appear. Sometimes they don't. it's weird.
I cut my hair today, as I do every few weeks. No. 2 all over. No. 1 in the front. I have funny hair and short is better. Really.
The bird feeder pole has a new anti-squirrel device (only partly successful). The weather is great, and the turkeys were back for a feast.
Without television, I'm missing all the Olympic hullabaloo. Oh well. Another time.

Tuesday, August 05, 2008

Changes. . . . or not

I think it is a saying from the 12 Step tradition: If nothing changes, nothing changes. It took me a moment, some thinking, then, Aha! If nothing changes. . . .

I seem to wait for things to change around me, more re-actively. I wait for "it" to come from "out there." But if nothing changes with me, if I don't take charge of some things, then nothing will change, really. Learning to claim my own power, discipline, and courage is work.

My weight and general health. My job situation. My finances. All need addressing. But I don't want to! (Would you like a little cheese with that whine)?

I am not sure if it is depression, laziness, lack of focus, or fear (and most likely a combination of things) that keeps me on my butt. Still pondering . . . . .If nothing changes, then nothing changes.

And, here's a shout out to friend Topper at My Rainbow Fish Journey. He's chronicled some of his life journey and his struggles with being Christian and being gay that speak to me. Check it out.

Friday, August 01, 2008


Since my house backs up on to woods, I have all sorts of wildlife that come to visit my bird feeders and my yard. I've had these wild turkeys come by about twice a day scrounging and scratching for food. When i refill the feeder (about once a day) I always make sure to scatter plenty of seed on the ground for the turkeys (as well as the squirrels and chipmunks).

Presumably this is a hen and three poults. There were five, earlier in the season. It's not unusual to for several to be lost in a year. They have grown quite a bit!
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For the Birds

I have great fun feeding the birds (and the squirrels). These are my feeders. The yellow one contains thistle seeds for the goldfinches. Lots of goldfinches. The "bell" feeder seems to be for the squirrels most to the time. Next purchase: squirrel guard for the post.

The red one is for hummingbirds. I was an adult before I knew hummingbirds lived here (and anywhere, outside of National Geographic!). To see the hummers at the feeder (and fighting over it) is really exciting. Such amazing and beautiful creatures.
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Friday, July 25, 2008

Home again

Back from the beach. Fun time. No sunburn (yeah!)

Even though I was supposed to be off the rest of this week, it is not to be. Some untimely demands (something that happens in my work) mean I have to be on the job. It's OK, I'll get time off later and do something sans enfants, that might be lots of fun!

Still unsure about job prospects for elsewhere. Things here seem good for now.

Nothing burning or brewing for me, right now. I'm looking forward to August and the beginning of more return schedules.

Shalom & Cheers to all.

Saturday, July 19, 2008


Sunday, I'm off to the beach! My daughters and their mom have been there for the week. Mom will come home, and I'll be with them for the next few days, then bring them home. It's an arrangement that has worked for us.

The girls have taken my coming out well, in general. But as more settles in, they are a bit unsettled. My youngest is troubled by it all, but won't talk about "it" much with her mom and not at all with me. But I am glad that she still does want to talk to me, just not about "it".

I can live with this, but it is tough when "it" is me. We will get there. I know. I hope. With time they will see that I am not so different. It's just now they know.

The weather has been great (albeit too dry) and I've had a bad cold, gone to bronchitis. Much of this week I've slept. Ugh. Feeling much better.

Tuesday, July 15, 2008

On Religious Abuse

Exodus International is a group that calls itself “Christian” and purports to help people choose NOT to be gay. They are having a big conference at a church center near the city where I live. A local counselor published an opinion piece in the local newspaper that was quite excellent. I commend it to you.

Here is a small excerpt.

In my work as a pastoral psychotherapist and spiritual director I often
work with people who are struggling to understand their sexuality in light of
their faith. Regardless of orientation, faithful human beings want to grow in
spiritual discernment. They also want to name the truth about who they are, and
to know that their love and their sexual expression of it is blessed by God, and
that they can live as whole beings in a committed, spiritually grounded
partnership. We all have much to learn about sexuality and spirituality but this
is a process that requires prayer and discernment, not ideology. For Exodus
International, ideology trumps discernment and “Exodus” becomes enslavement to
the views of those who presume to speak for God.

Of the many powerful narratives in Scripture, the Exodus story is perhaps
one of the richest in its imagery of the journey from enslavement to freedom. As
such it offers unlimited possibilities for spiritual practice. It is truly a
sacred narrative precisely because it comes alive again and again whenever
someone turns to God in prayer. It is therefore a sacrilege, literally a theft
of the sacred, to force this narrative into the service of an ideology. That
which is holy is desecrated, abused and distorted when we reduce God to the
measure of our fears. Inviting others to participate in such desecration,
offering “healing” in the name of ideology, and standing as gatekeeper to the
sacred, is to distort the spiritual journey and to use sacred narrative as bait
for entrapment. It is, frankly, abusive.

Like other forms of abuse, spiritual abuse is often delivered with warmth,
kindness and in the name of love. Exodus International will offer hugs,
celebration, Eucharist. There will be pastoral prayers, hymns and the joyful
embrace of community. Nor will any of this be offered with any evil intent.
Indeed, it will be offered in all innocence, with the best of intentions and
good will, with heartfelt conviction and genuine desire — all in the name of
ideology. However innocently offered, it is still spiritual abuse.

Daniel O. Snyder, PhD, is in clinical practice in Black Mountain, and is
an active member of Swannanoa Valley Friends Meeting (Quaker). He lives in Black
published July 11, 2008 in the Asheville Citizen-Times

Friday, July 11, 2008

Life is too short not to dance.

As I've said before, I live in the most amazing small city. After a visit to Atlanta PRIDE and being in a Really Big City, I am more and more impressed with what we've got going on here.

Every Friday evening, the Drum Circle forms in a small downtown park. I don't know that there is any particular organization or leadership, though there may be. All I know is it just seems to happen. It goes own for hours. All kinds of percussion, and then the dancing begins. I love to go and just move to the beat.

I make no promises about "knowing" how to dance. I don't really care. I just do it. Often I tell my children, "Life is too short not to dance."

Wednesday, July 09, 2008


What a week. My youngest teenager has migraines. The doctor prescribed a new medication to try. Bad news. "A very adverse reaction."
Didn't help the pain, loss of muscle control, shakes, tightening of the chest and throat, sent he into a major panic attack (which is not like her). Off to the ER.
That was Monday night. Got home Tuesday morning about 7.30 am. She is alright, but still not great. Ugh.
I have suffered from migraines, but only very occasionally. It is like a spike in the head. I wonder what is tension and anxiety from our family stress, and what may be hormonal/chemical/physiological? Probably a combination. Wish I could make them go away for her.
The PA is doing fine. Still a little sore, needing soaking a few times a day. Getting better. Still proud. I'll write later about my experience of PRIDE in Atlanta.

Monday, July 07, 2008


I know this may be too much information for some, but I am proud of it. I had my PA redone while in Atlanta. Knowing I was going for a morning business meeting, and having the afternoon free, I called Kolo Piercing on the recommendation of an acquaintance. Kolo has (in stock) lots of sizes, etc., of titanium jewelry.

My last attempt at a PA didn't go so well because of an apparent allergy to the stainless steel ring. So, I took that one out and the hole closed up. No problem. But I missed it.

So, unsure of the best size and gauge, it was a bit difficult to order something and then take it to a local piercer. Kolo has it all in stock! Gigi, was very professional, extremely careful, and followed all safety and health guidelines to a T. She was great!

Piercing into the old scar tissue and then fitting a new and larger gauge through it was painful. Way painful. OMG painful. this was much worse than the first time, but only because of the scarring. But I'm a big boy with a high tolerance. After everything was "through", it was fine.

Why do this? It was not done on whimsy or while intoxicated. I've thought about it a long time, much more than I had before. Coming out involves mourning and rejoicing. Grief over what has been lost, celebrating what is gained. That's why I've done it. The tears have flowed over the grief, this symbol on my body celebrates, reclaims, and marks a new awareness of me. A new beginning.

The journey goes on, with a 6 gauge circular barbell, in titanium.

Sunday, July 06, 2008


I didn't know. Really. I am the clueless type, you know. I had a business meeting in Atlanta on Thursday morning. In talking with a friend about it, he tells me, "Well, you know this is Pride weekend in Atlanta." What?!? OMG.

SO, I was able to arrange to stay over till Saturday. Never have I been to a Pride, anywhere. I was in heaven! And not at all the way you think. I'll write more about my adventures. It was a great experience for me. What a fab weekend!

Friday, June 27, 2008

Music, encore

How do I know I'm doing better, feeling better, coming out of the depths? Music.

I've started listening to music again. And it's so much fun!

Now, I have very eclectic taste, when it comes to music. Classical of one sort or another is my usual fare through local public radio. But there is more than one public station in these parts. But there is also Itunes. Remember, I have teenagers. And one of their Ipods is on my computer. And, my girls love both all the contemporary fare of the day, plus Broadway, some classical, etc.

So, right now, I'm listening to "Phantom of the Opera" (soundtrack from the movie). Wish I had a sub-woofer. Lately I've also been through "West Side Story" and "Wicked." Of course, there has been some meditative aboriginal flute music, a little bit of rock-n-roll, and at least one good, strong chorus of "I'm coming out."

Don't forget the Anonymous Four, and Chanticleer (for you, raybobbear - oh, please send me some Baroque suggestions). Ur-Spo, could you suggest some opera?

What do you like? Why let my teenagers do all the downloading?

My turn, now. Please get this gay boy up to speed.

Sunday, June 22, 2008

A great outing!

Oh. My. God.

Tonight I came out to my girls. I cannot believe how well it went. They knewm but didn't. They wondered, but never expressed it. Somehow, they had figured it out. They were wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

Oh my God. I never could have imagined how well it could go.

Thank you all for sending prayers, good vibes, thoughts, and great juju in my direction.

Now the journey takes a new turn. But not nearly so frightening and lonely as I feared.

Friday, June 20, 2008

An Outing in the Mountains

Living in the mountains is wonderful. I know you westerners may think our mountains are wimpy, and surely they are by Rocky Mtn. standards. But we love them. I love them. After a week or so of heat, we've settled into more usual weather: Highs in the low 80's or high 70's during the day. At night it drops to a crisp mid-50's. The humidity is down and it's magnificent. What a great place to be.

This Sunday evening, I come out to my kids. One thing or another has caused the great outing to get pushed later and later into the month. I want to get this over with! Part of me dreads it, of course. The emotional energy will be immense; so will the relief. But part of me is excited about getting this done. Finally, I can begin to become more and more real with my daughters. It's not that I've been "false" with them, but I have been hidden. There is a barrier between us that will begin to come down, I hope.

Of course, I must remain the adult, the parent, the grown up. I tend to want everyone to be my "friend." But this are my children, not just some random young adults. {Flash to Star Wars: "Luke, I am your father!"}

We need rain, here in the mountains. As beautiful as the weather is, we need rain. Rain to soften the soil, to nourish growth, to wash away grit and dust. We need rain.

I pray for rain: a rain of courage, grace, and stability. Rain to wash, to nourish, to soften.

Send good vibes, prayers, thoughts for me and my children on Sunday evening. Pray for rain.

Friday, June 13, 2008

Starlike eyes

And now for a little poetry break . . . . . .

Mine eyes that are enamored of things fair
And this my soul that for salvation cries
May never heavenward rise
Unless the sight of beauty lifts them there.
Down from the loftiest star
A splendor falls on earth,
And draws desire afar
To that which gave it birth.
So love and heavenly fire and counsel wise
The noble heart finds most in starlike eyes.

Michelangelo c. 1534

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

The Test

I have done it before, this wasn't the first time. And, I couldn't really think of a reason to worry. But I was. Anxious. Concerned. Scared. One always is, no?
I hadn't done anything unsafe, dangerous, stupid. At least, I couldn't remember anything. I haven't done much, really. But I needed a follow up from several months ago. I'd missed doing that. One needs to know. We need to be aware.
The nurse came in. (He was a very handsome bear). Goodness. He put me at ease. He drew blood, he did the quick-test, too. As we waited for the quick-test to do its thing, I talked. I confessed, I shared. He told me that he had been married, too. Has a son, now grown. He shared his story with me. And he let me talk. I cried. I really cried. I guess the tension, anxiety, whatever.
Times up. Results. Negative.
I cried more. He let me hug him, and he just held me. And let me cry. Such a relief.
Every now and then, we all need to have an HIV test. We just need to do it. What if it were positive? I had already decided that I have come to far to even think about giving up. We'll deal with it. Whatever we need to do. What ever I need to do.
No turning back. No giving up. And I am so grateful. Do the test.

Thursday, June 05, 2008

Urge to Kill

Ive been in another city, visiting with my father and stepmother. He had some minor surgery, no big deal, but when you're nearly 85, anything can seem like a big deal. And, he has an incredible flare for drama!

His surgery, normally outpatient, has meant an over-night stay for him. Thank you GOD! He is a terrible, incorrigible, grumpy, and very impatient, patient! He gets so needy and yet so demanding. When I'm around, he wants to do it all himself; when he has a hard time of it, it's all my fault. When a friend comes to visit, he's helpless, all of a sudden.

He has the innate skill to push all my buttons, jerk all my chains, rub everything the wrong way.

I'm proud of myself; all those years of therapy haven't been for naught. I did not kill him. In fact, I did very well.

I'm so glad to be home!

Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Being, Doing

As it has been said by others (and I can't remember whom): What it means to be gay has been largely defined by the straight world against which we see ourselves. THE defining attribute is sex: what we do with our genitals. I know it is more than that, but that is one big, hairy, defining thing (at least I am LOL).

It is more than just "same sex attraction", but we know that seems to be the big presenting issue, the symptom (if you will) of being gay. If we cannot precisely define it, how might we describe it?

I will be coming out to my teenage children. Without giving too much information about sex (they may have way too much as it is), how do I define, describe, delineate, talk about, help-them-understand what it means to be gay.

We know how to do gay, how do we be it? And what do we say about it?

Your thoughts, ideas, comments, resources are invited. Please.