Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Tempest or Teapot

This may all be a bit disjointed, but bear with me.

Some friends are helping me with some discernment in my life. It’s about coming out at work, and such. Risky Business.

Do I really want to do that? Come out? I have a particular role in my organization. The person, me, is out. But the persona, the role, ain’t there yet. How do I continue to do my job, “play” my role (I don’t play at it; I don’t like that term, but it will have to do for now), and stay in the closet? Does anyone really care?

With what I do, there is more involved than just a set of skills or tasks I perform. It involves who I am as a person as well as skills, gifts, talents. To keep myself at some distance from others because of this “secret” is very difficult.

God is putting the screws on. I feel a sense of things “tightening down”, forcing the question. Oh, God. It may seem like no big deal. Maybe it is less of a big deal than I know.

I am afraid of God calling me somewhere I don’t want to go. Calling me to some things I don’t want to do. Like, possibly, behaving myself. Don’t want to go there, that’s for sure. Am I looking for the freedom to do all kinds of things I’ve never done before? Am I looking for the freedom simply to be me? And, exactly, who am I? That’s a question, too.

One of the friends helping me in this discernment has been out for years. He has a partner. The same one for 28 years. Twenty eight years! And he’s not that much older than I am.

He’s said he is in his “post gay” period. It just doesn’t matter (in some ways) to him. He is who he is. Just as he is. He is.

I’ll be 54 years old next month (25 October. Send cards, letters, and large expensive gifts). I’m just getting started. I’ve only been out to myself for about 4 years. I mean really out; when I could look and enjoy the sight of a beautiful, sexy man and not feel shame. I have struggled with this so long. I want the struggle to be over. But then, new struggles will emerge. Am I ready for those? I think so. It couldn’t be any worse, could it? At least the struggles would be out in the open.

I fear rejection; causing upset to others; losing face; not being taken seriously. Some of my constituents will feel a sense of betrayal. Some will “stop shopping with us.” We will lose “business.” Perhaps others will come. Perhaps there will be great support for me. But I don’t want it to be about me. And it isn’t all about me; it’s about what is right. It’s about living one’s life with honesty, integrity, and authenticity. But it’s my life we’re talking about here.

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom. I could use some of that stuff, right now. Now. Right now.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Reprogression / Proregression

Ever feel like you were walking backwards down the stairs?  If only I could "moon walk."  It looks like I'm gong forward, but. . . . .

But, on the other hand, maybe I am moving forward and it only looks like I'm moving backwards.  Whatever. Who knows what it comes from.  All the questions, the "why's" and "what if's".  I don't get too hung up in that.

What I'm getting to is that the downward spiral got deeper, faster, scarier.  So, I've started back on the anti-depressants.  And I'm glad I have.  Though I still hold the goal of "if you can't feel it, you can't heal it,"  I have to function to hold down a job, to get the laundry done, etc.  I want to live without the drugs, but this is not the time.  Too much happening, going on, swirling around me.  The stability seems more important, right now.

Maybe it's a crutch, maybe it's all in my imagination.  But I don't think it's that simple.  So, I am beginning to "feel better."  More focus, a bit more energy to get work done, less isolating, more interacting.  I can be a bit more "present" when I'm present.  That's a good thing.

Sunday, September 06, 2009

Out of Focus

Though over the flu, I'm still not feeling up to snuff, as we say.  And, I'm not so sure why.  Some down, some tired, some busy.  Focusing at work seems to happen more easily when I limit my hours.  Plan on staying half a day, and for that amount of time, I get more done than many days when I stay the whole day.  Go figure.

My internet connectivity has been limited lately, and I haven't read many blogs.  Forgive my not getting to your blog.  I am grateful for those who continue to read mine, tedious as it may be, right now.  I'm hoping to catch up on some or just read the latest posts.  Reading is a time- and focus-consuming task for me. 

Actually, I've needed a lot of quiet lately.  Maybe more than usual.  And I've tried to take some, but not always with good result. Being without agenda, with no one demanding my time is hard for me to take.  I just don't know what to do with myself!  I know, many of you would kill for some free, agenda-less time.  And here I am, fretting over it.

Focus is the thing.  Somehow, I need to focus on planning some unfocused time.  Time when my only agenda is to sit with some silence.  Take a hike, and sit.  Take a book and read. 

E'en now, I'm fading.  Later.

Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Thanks, I'm mending well

Thanks for the kind notes, thoughts, prayers, etc.  I am mending well from Swine Flu.  It comes on fast, but then it's over in a few days.  But the exhaustion last a while.

September has arrived, the weather here is cool and crisp.  Leaves just beginning to get started changing color.   I live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth.  Really.

Off to bed.