Sunday, April 27, 2008

Late Bloomer

Church rummage sale yesterday! I found a National Geographic from 1965 or so, and I remembered it! I grew up looking at all the pictures and reading the captions (and maybe some of the articles) in Nat'l Geographic. I knew them frontwards and backwards, and all the pictures.

You'd think I'd have figured something out, way back then. As I flipped through this particular edition, I remembered all the pictures of the men. Men with their shirts off, men with beards, men in uniforms. I remembered them.

But I did not understand. even though is has been SOOO long, I am so glad I understand now!

Friday, I traveled to a big city in a neighboring state to meet a friend. We had a great time walking around town, through a park, having lunch and supper together. We talked and talked and had such a great time! I realized how I can sometimes be a little giddy when I'm with a man, feeling a bit like a teenager. After all these years, when I am with another gay man, it feels so comfortable and so natural, I am taken aback. Now I've finally figured it out! Now I understand! I am so glad I did.

All those years of Nat'l Geographics, and the other boys would looking for the native women with breasts hanging freely. I wash looking for the men with beards, with penises in view, with their shirts off, with furry chests. Finally, I figured it out!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Fair to Partly Cloudy

Spring has finally arrived to stay (at least this week). And for that I give thanks. Still, some clouds close in as I think about the future (please know I try to think as little as possible, but sometimes, it just happens).
I have pondered trying to explore the possibilities of coming out at my present job and hoping I could continue. I think that is less likely to happen. Some of my reticence to move is most likely my distaste for job searches, my comfortableness where I am (to a degree), and the beautiful area in which I live. And, my self-esteem sometimes drops to the level of "you don't want to hire me, do ya?"

At least today is beautiful, laundry is getting done, chores are underway. Shirts come off, construction workers are out. . . . Oh, well, you know. There are many handsome, furry, beefy men around these parts. And at least I can look.

Friday, April 11, 2008


Ok, I know that I'm not the only gay man who lacks the "fashion gene." But I do have the urge and the delight in an "event." Tonight is my youngest daughter's prom! She looked beautiful in a long, satiny, yellow dress with an overlay of more yellow stuff with polka dots. Don't know all the terms. It was sleeveless, off the shoulder, beautiful. Of course, I am way biased!

As is the way they do things these days, she went without a date and with a gaggle of friends, some with dates, some without. Safety in numbers. When I had a prom, (35 plus years ago!) one wouldn't think of going stag. I am really glad that has changed.

Oh, the proud pappa I am; truly blessed with great children.

Tuesday, April 01, 2008

Scottish Bar Stool

Today is a better day. Up and down and up again. And, to show you I have not lost my sense of humor, here is a picture of a Scottish bar stool. What every kilt wearer should have.

I'm about 5/8 Celtic (Scotts, Manx, Irish) and very fond of kilts, both wearing, and watching men who do.

Actually, they are very comfortable. And, as I like to take some easy day hikes, they are great!

No foolin'

Yes, it's April Fools' Day. But I ain't foolin'. Today is struggle.

I am SO tired of being "needy," of struggling, of feeling frazzled. So much energy gets focused on just getting through the day, I don't seem to get much else done. I'm not doing my job very well. I am glad my organization can keep right on going, which it has. I have been able to get done enough that things are running. But I am running down.

I waked up at four a.m. with some real anxiety stuff running through my head. Things with family, things with me, feeling cornered, hopeless, trapped, just wanting to run away.

I haven't, of course. I didn't. I'm here. Some prayer, quiet, prayer, and some more prayer, got me focused enough to get going today. One day at a time. today. just today.

Prayer for me is not about "asking God" anything in particular. It is about conversing with, being in touch with, realizing the presence with me. And so, I have.

As a dear blogger friend commented to me, from something learned in his past, "God does not save us from drwoning only to let us die on the shore."

Today. I will make it today.