Thursday, December 31, 2009


Happy New Year everyone! 

Blessings, cheers, new possibilities. 

Life.  Health. 

Good stuff to all.

Thursday, December 24, 2009


Our internet connection went crazy.  Hope the whole post makes it up this time.

I've got a busy evening ahead with two big shows to put on, at 5.30 and 10.30 pm.  It will be glorious and wonderful, maybe even for me.  Honestly, I'll be glad when it's done!  Oh, yeah, then there is another small time show for tomorrow, too.  But that will be for only a few folk.  And intimate production, very easy going.

My children and friends have helped me through this season.

This "being gay" thing can really get me down when I see how difficult it is for so many (like me) to come out, to live their lives, to be free of the shame.  Fearing the rejection of others, loss of job (maybe), etc.  But I want to reach for the joy, the centered-ness, the freedom.  And I shall get there.

There is a lot of darkness around.  Inward, outward.  But tonight we celebrate some light.  The Light.

God so loved . . . . and all that stuff.  And God so loves us all.  Even me.  One candle, one light, Lone Light.  As our eyes adjust, it lights the whole room.  The whole world.  My whole world.  me.

Merry Christmas to all.

Monday, December 21, 2009

Out of the Rugby Closet

I came across this story today (from Wayne Besen's site) about Rugby player Gareth Thomas coming out.  I don't look anything like Gareth Thomas (don't I wish!), but our stories are similar.  Maybe your story, too.

I can so relate to the pain, anguish, shame, the whole thing.  Can't most of us relate to it?  Especially those of us who did marry.  If only the brain-dead conservative could believe.

The dominant culture, the ones with the privilege, still hold to the expectation that everyone should be like them.  And even that everyone wants to be like them.  The danger of White Straight Male Privilege.

But we are different.  Gifted by Otherness.

I understand more and more the concept of gay Pride.  It is not about flaunting anything or saying "we're better" (we are, however, more fabulous).  It is about claiming, accepting, and living our lives in the face of such anger, hatred, and opposition.  In the face of the dominance of the White Straight Male culture.

And, our Pride should open our hearts to an understanding and acceptance, compassion and mercy.

Still, I wish I looked like Gareth Thomas.  But, maybe next year. . . . .

Thursday, December 17, 2009

Snow going

Happy Days of Holiness to all!  Busy-ness prevails around here.  And, there is a prediction of snow, sleet, or worse for tonight.

We don't get that much snow, and it's always wet, heavy, slushy stuff that makes driving very difficult.  It's not the nice, powdery snow others get.  And, being in the mountains, it ain't flat here.  We aren't that accustomed to driving in it, there is limited road cleanup, and many roads have deep ditches on the sides.  If you slip and slide, it may be all over but the shouting. (as we say).

So, the grocery stores are mobbed with folk getting milk, bread, and other essentials.  (That reminds me to get to the ABC store).

I met with my regional executive person on Tuesday about the coming out stuff.  he is supportive, and I think he "get's it."  He's not sure that my constituency will get or whether I'll (ultimately) keep my job.  In this strange company, it's not up to him but the "customers."  He is concerned that I balance coming out needs with financial/family needs.  In other words:  if I lose my job, can I support the children and former wife.

Unless I find a rich sugar daddy (and soon) I can't.  So, timing issues are in the mix right now.

It is slow, but it moves.  Glacial, but maybe there is some warming.  I'm getting through this depressing (for me) season.  Slogging along, but grateful.

PS:  Yes, we got snow.  8 to 14 inches worth, depending on where in the mountains you live.  Our house: 14".  Brrrr.

Wednesday, December 09, 2009

Still Doing

Thanks to all for supportive comments and emails.  Much appreciated.  I am not irretrievably undone; I am still doing.  Moving.  Working.  Though it goes slowly.

I've come out to my staff, and now to a few, well-placed, trusted "customers."  So far, so good.  Next week is a meeting with the "district executive" to talk about what next.

Focusing on work in the midst of this season is tough enough.  With all this going on.  Ugh.  And now, money is running out.  Fast.  And I have yet to shop for anything.  I have no time or skill to make stuff.  So the panic is beginning to set in.

There are these old messages (oh no, the Voices! aaaaaaah!) that are hard to shut down.  Old memories of childhood and presents that weren't "good enough."  Wanting everything to be perfect, but a near-total inability to plan ahead or remember what needs doing when.

I want a spouse, but I probably need a handler.  Ugh.

In spite of everything, there has been some holiday fun.  Yes.  At my place of business, we tried a new thing this year that has been a huge success and great fun!  December 6th is St. Nicholas Day.  As the culminating event of my organizations sesquicentennial, we decided to have a big dinner.  The menu was simple and inexpensive, with volunteers doing the food.  Folk signed up to decorate tables for the celebration.

St. Nicholas himself showed up for the feast.  We told some stories about the legends of St. Nicholas, the patron saint of anonymous gifts. My, oh my, how the legend has changed.  (So sad that great legends were turned into shaming lessons to get kids to "behave.")

Anyway, it was a great feast!  Needless to say, my table was fabulous!

Friday, December 04, 2009

The Going gets tough

And indeed, the going is tough.  It's all breaking down:  all the assurances, the faith, the structure of things.  They all seem to be breaking down.  Coming apart.  I am undone.

But I ain't done.  Not yet.

I know that the way of faith is not the easy road many think.  Faith is not some commodity we have or can get or earn.  It's more of an openness, a receptive-ness. It is not a wall that encloses carefully laid sturctures but the opposite.  It is the door in the wall.  It is the space, the opening, the nothing (not the something).

Perhaps I am moving through the opening.  I am not without hope.  I believe that I am held.  I'm having trouble seeing how Way will open.  But I think it will. At least, I believe it will.