Saturday, September 22, 2007

Gayly Forward

October 11 is National Coming Out Day. The Human Rights Campaign has some good stuff for celebratin, including some YouTube opportunities. I watched some folks' "coming out" videos and laughed, and cried. Really cried.

How much longer I can stay in the closet one can only guess. Maybe I'm trying to create some situation in which I will really "out" myself. Not a good plan.

Feelings have continued to be very close to the surface. This week, however, the drama is not about longing for straight normalcy as it has been longing for complete out-ness.

WTF am I doing coming out at 51 years old? Better late than never?

Yes. dammit. Better late than never.

In so many ways, I do not have a clue what I am doing.

But that never stopped me before! gayly forward.

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Caution: feelings ahead: abandon logic at this point

Today is a tough day.

It's still early, and I know I will "get over it," but it's one of those days when I think about being straight. Wishing, maybe, I were straight.

No, I do not believe I could do it. No, I'm not even going to try. Been there, done that, got the therapy bills to prove it. I know I can't do it. But sometimes . . . . . .

There many situations in life when we wish we could be someone else, I suppose. Someone rich or famous, or smarter or more beautiful. And my perspective on all this may be quite skewed. I have been (and still am) married; I am father to two wonderful children; I am in a profession and work with many folk who assume I am straight. That's what folk like me are, isn't it?

So, having had the "married-with-children" life for so long (21 years), I have that picture of the straight life. And part of me yearns for it. Just to be "normal", or typical, or mainstream. The struggle is still there, though I know the outcome (ha: there's a pun for you).

And then, there is the Church. Living life as a Christian is tough enough. But then dealing with "the Church" makes it all the tougher. I have this great fear (probably not unrealistic) that when my friends, etc., at Church discover - find out - get told I am gay, their entire opinion of me will change. As if everything has changed, when in fact I am the same me I have always been. Surely there will be some who won't be so shallow, but I have my doubts.

The Church (especially the Episcopal Church) is so distracted by this sexuality shit that it seems we get little else done. In the parish I attend, it's all pretty much ignored, but it does hang there, hovering over things, putting us on the defensive.

Of course, still leading a bit of the "double life," I place myself in the midst of confusion. For now, it is important. When I can come out all the way, perhaps it will be easier? The overt may be easier to deal with than the covert.

I don't know. It's a tough day. I have hope that it will get better. I have hope. I do.

Saturday, September 01, 2007

new tears

What is happening to me? Maybe it's drugs (or lack thereof). Maybe it's life. Maybe it's freedom, or living in the Truth.

Living out of the house and venturing out of the closet, I have felt almost euphoric at times, barely able to grasp the wholeness of all this "new life." Was there ever a time in my life when I have felt this way? Ever?
  • The old demons have subsided (and new ones arise. Or are they even older ones?)
  • The shame and guilt: largely gone. But loneliness has crept in.
  • The anxiety of lying to myself: dissolved. But fears and trepidations about "starting" a new life are lurking.Energy and focus to do my job are there in better measure; but distractions still annoy.

My depression has eased so much that I have been able to go off my anti-depressant medication. And I'm feeling great. But now something odd has been happening: tears.

I think it is an adjustment time, but the slightest things can set me off. A song, something I read. Anything that has to do with being lost, then found. Bound, then free.
I read some coming out stories on the Human Rights Campaign website. I cried. And, from one of *Christopher's websites, a service for "Binding & Loosing". This moved me deeply.
. . . . . in the Name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ be loosed from the
manifold voices that bind your heart from praising freely, be freed from the
foul demons that accuse your very life and cause you to doubt God’s friendship,
for they are bound forever this day that you might walk in the newness of
unending life, for you are washed by Living Water and by the Blood of the Lamb.
So many are bound by the words of others while the Word of God will liberate and release. And I know that simply printing these words that carry a very religious tone will put-off (or piss-off) some folk, just because of the toxic religion with which they have been abused. Dear friends, believe me: the toxicity lies with them, not with God, however you understand God.
Later. Cheers to one and all.