BearToast Explains more: Why Come Out

I've been asked the "why come out" question.  Of course, I've been asking myself that one for years.

Since I finally came out to myself, accepting that I am, in fact, gay, there is always a question of to whom one should come out.  Of course, my (now ex-)wife was a first. I came out to my boss (the regional executive).  I told my brothers (who were not amused), and I have told my children.

Why come out at work?  Is it anyone's business?  No, but it's my soul that can't stand the feeling of hiding.

Brent over at A Journey by myself put it very well in a recent post: 

Today I got to thinking about how when I'm out with straight friends that don't know I'm gay or gay friends that don't know I'm married, I tend to be reserved. But the few times I've been out with people that know my situation, how comfortable I feel. . . . .    I guess the lesson here, is that hiding a secret like this plays havoc on your soul. 

As I've said before, about not coming out, it was slow-motion suicide of the soul.  I mean no judgment on anyone else or his/her situation.  I can and do speak for myself, alone.  I just couldn't handle it.

With my job:  I am in a strange kind of profession that involves who I am as much as any particular skills or task that I may perform.  I cannot relate well to folk unless I am who I am.  Other jobs, professions, etc., are different.  Maybe it's not a big deal.  Each must judge and decide for himself or herself.

Here is a quote from the book Disclosures:  Conversations Gay and Spiritual by Michael Ford (2004, Cowley Publications).  The author is quoting psychiatrist W.G. Sengers.  The "first level of resistance" is when we deny those gay feelings within oursleves:

The second level of resistance emerges in contexts where the homosexual understands his feelings but is tortured by the fear that anyone else should detect them.  As a result, he experiences social isolation, even when he is in the company of others.  He uses up energy in constantly pretending he is "normal."  he never feels relaxed enough to express his true feelings.  This can lead to obsessive tendencies.  He becomes so preoccupied with the fear of being recognized as gay that his sexual feelings are constantly in his mind, haunting him day and night.  They force him to sexualize his total existence. Every situation becomes filled with danger as he remains in a constant state of vigilance to prevent anyone from discovering the truth.  His sexual life, therefore, stands little chance of forming a unity with the rest of his personality. (pp 30-31)

 I know this is probably more than you wanted to hear.  And, there is more great stuff in this book I'l love to mention.  But my typing ain't that great.

Sexuality (gay or straight) is something that is an essential part of our being.  It is something woven throughout the texture, the fabric of our lives.  To try and hard part of that fabric means that, in some sense, we hide the whole thing.  I am weary of hiding.  I desire unity with myself, authenticity, honesty, wholeness.

But there is more.  Claiming this part of me, acknowledging it, accepting it, embracing it, (or trying to do all those things) gives me opportunity to acknowledge and embrace my "tribe."  All of the LGBTQ folk out there are a chosen family to me.  I haven't been out long enough to move into a "post-gay" period.

I know some who are "over it." And I think I understand why, and what that means.  But I am such a newbie, I want to relish in this newness.  Having spent so many years in isolation, I am embracing this new family.  i want to come out for "all of us."  The more the homophobe world realizes we are everywhere, in every profession, in all walks of life, of every age, the more they will have opportunity to understand and accept us.  Some will.  Some will not.  But I've got to try.  I think we all should.

Do I have a plan if it all falls apart?  If I lose my job, my income, etc., what will I do?  Should I wait and think about coming out when it won't "hurt" anyone?  Well, that is an idea . . . . but I'd be dead by then.

I want to come out consciously with my place of business.  If I do not, I will be outed unconsciously.  I fear I am becoming the new elephant in the living room.  (Everyone knows it's there.  Everyone ignores it and just dances around the obvious).

My children have expressed their undying support for me.  Though that has not been severely tested, it may be.  I've done too much to shield them from adversity all along the way.  They are strong, or they will be.  Love means more than just providing for them.  The most loving thing I can do for anyone is to be me.  All of me.  The whole of me.

BearToast Explains it all

I've said in my profile that folk should feel free to ask me questions.  A few have.  I might have responded directly to them but don't have their emails.  So here it is.

Steve at the Helpful Elephant asked some questions in some comments.  

• Is the reason you don't have photos of your face because you're afraid of being 'out', even on a blog?  Do you think you're unattractive? Or is it for a more practical reason? Like...You don't want weirdo's to be able to know you for...weird reasons...???

I've not shown my face on the blog for fear (yes, it's fear) of being outed.  I could lose my job, and maybe a lot more.  I long to be completely open, but that's just not where I am yet.  I don't think I'm unattractive, and I know that I'm not exceptionally attractive.  I'm becoming more and more comfortable with me: who I am, and how I look.  I'll send you a picture, if you want.

• You mentioned you didn't have birthday parties when you were a kid. How come?

My mother has been dead for six years now, you might have needed to ask her.  Our family did not have much money and there was too much dysfunction going around.  I think my mom was too focused on helping other people to notice my brothers or me too much.  And, I was always a good boy, trying very hard never to get in the way.

• Who's taking the photo's of you in each shot? For example, the one on the beach or the recent one of you looking out into the ranges...

The beach photos were taken by one of my daughters.  The shot of me in the mountains was done by using the timer on the camera.  Lucky shot, actually.

I'll answer some other questions in another post.  Keep them coming.  I'm glad to answer what I can.  I do appreciate email addresses, though.  If you'd prefer an answer directly to you or if you'd like me to post on it, let me know.

I don't know that I'm really that interesting, but I can be creative!

Silence and PRIDE

My days of silence were refreshing, nourishing, and troubling.  You get silent for a few days, your mind stops shouting, things settle down, and deeper things emerge.  That's troubling in a good way.  I did some reading, praying, walking, sleeping.  Good stuff.

Then, I stayed with friends in Atlanta and was able to attend Saturday's PRIDE in Piedmont Park.  The rain held off long enough for me to enjoy being around a lot of really out gay people, doing things straights take for granted:  holding hands, kissing in public, just being themselves.  Exhibits, booths, supporters, organizations, and some great scenery, too!  Woof.

To read and pray and give thanks for being me, and being gay, and for grace, strength, and courage;  these are good things.  To be out and proud and encouraged by "family";  these are good things, too.

To be able to have both within the same week.  That was great!

A Grateful B'day

Today is my 54th birthday.  And I am grateful. 

Fellow blogger Dale sent me a note sharing some of his story.  We're about the same age, but he has been out a long time.  It made me think of all the folk, younger, my age, older, and  gone before, who have helped change the world, making it a bit easier for me.  Slowly, but surely, we are making progress.

It could be easy to be envious of folk out so long.  And, it is easy to look at my life and regret that I didn't do this sooner, or beat myself up for not having figured this out decades ago.  But instead of all that, I will stick with being grateful.

I am so grateful to all you long out-of-the-closet folk because you have paved the way for me.  You've made is easier than it might have been.  You've given direction and advice, shown me the path, and taught me all kinds of new tricks.  (Goodness, me;)~

Tonight, my housemates are having dinner for me and some friends to celebrate my big day.  C has even made me a big chocolate cake.  I'm excited.  I never had parties as a child, so it's not a big "expectation" on my part.  But with my children off to college, I didn't want to be by myself, pretending it didn't matter.

Tomorrow, I'm off for a silent retreat.  Four days with no talking, a little thinking, and a lot of be-ing. Just being.  I'll be outside Atlanta for most of the week, but hope to make it into town on Thursday, and maybe Friday.  Or even a little bit of Saturday.  OMG!  It's Pride weekend in Atlanta!  What ever shall I do?

Thank you.  All.

Big

This week there was a meeting of "managers" for our "region".  I met with the "regional executive" boss man.  It was a very good meeting.  I told him how important it is for me to come out in my place of business, with our "customers."  This isn't about what I want.  This is about living with honesty, integrity, and authenticity.  This is about being faithful.

He was with me all the way.  He's going to check with other "regional executives" about how they've handled such a thing as this, a "local manager" coming out.  Then we will meet again so we can "talk about how we are going to do this."  Yes, he said "we."  He's with me.  This is big news.

I am thrilled but humbled, and a little scared.  But I'll get over all of those things (well, let's hope the humility holds out).  There could be a yawn and "tell something we don't know," kind of reaction.  Or it could be a much less friendly kind of thing.  No way to know.  No way to really control  that.  Time to let go.

Have you experienced a change in folk when, even though they probably assume you are gay, change when you say the word?  Why is it that when we come out, when we name it, when we acknowledge that we're gay, then attitudes change?

What do you think?  What's been your experience?  I'd be interested to know.

How green is my valley

Well, it's not really my valley, but it's the one I live in.

Happenings

Indeed.  A lot has happened the past few weeks.

I am the boss.  I have a staff of three full-time, in office folk; one full-time out of office folk; a couple of part-times.  Me, as the boss?  Who would have thought . . . .

So, I came out to my office staff this week.  Big step.  Was there shock?  Were they surprised that the boss they've worked with, lo, these many years is queer?  Is the pope Polish?  Not any more.

There was, on their faces and in the room, a sense of relief.  No shock, no surprise.  They've know I've been sort of "lost in space" for some time now.  And now they know why.  Already (in just a couple of day's time) the working atmosphere is better, real, open. Honest.

Relief was my main feeling.  Deep relief.  One small step for a man; one giant leap for queerkind.

Honesty.  Integrity.  Authenticity.  The truth is the only thing that sets us free.

I know that I am vague about my work situation, and I will continue to be so.  Let's just say I work for a religious non-profit, and I work weekends.    It is a peculiar kind of job; one might even call it a vocation.  Figure it out, or ask me privately.  My email is on my profile.

There are many in the LGBTQ community who don't like my "parent company" or like folk of my "ilk."  It is difficult calling one's self "Christian" in this day and age because of the hate-mongering, narrow-minded, bigoted, brain dead folk out there who call themselves "Christians."  I am not one of those and do not work for an organization like that.  Thankfully.

That doesn't mean that coming out at work will be "no big deal."  For some of our "customers" it could be a very big deal.  It is the unknown (and the uncontrollable) that causes some anxiety. And, the Spirit moves.  And all shall be well.

And, yes, that's really me at the beach this summer.

Tempest or Teapot

This may all be a bit disjointed, but bear with me.

Some friends are helping me with some discernment in my life. It’s about coming out at work, and such. Risky Business.

Do I really want to do that? Come out? I have a particular role in my organization. The person, me, is out. But the persona, the role, ain’t there yet. How do I continue to do my job, “play” my role (I don’t play at it; I don’t like that term, but it will have to do for now), and stay in the closet? Does anyone really care?

With what I do, there is more involved than just a set of skills or tasks I perform. It involves who I am as a person as well as skills, gifts, talents. To keep myself at some distance from others because of this “secret” is very difficult.

God is putting the screws on. I feel a sense of things “tightening down”, forcing the question. Oh, God. It may seem like no big deal. Maybe it is less of a big deal than I know.

I am afraid of God calling me somewhere I don’t want to go. Calling me to some things I don’t want to do. Like, possibly, behaving myself. Don’t want to go there, that’s for sure. Am I looking for the freedom to do all kinds of things I’ve never done before? Am I looking for the freedom simply to be me? And, exactly, who am I? That’s a question, too.

One of the friends helping me in this discernment has been out for years. He has a partner. The same one for 28 years. Twenty eight years! And he’s not that much older than I am.

He’s said he is in his “post gay” period. It just doesn’t matter (in some ways) to him. He is who he is. Just as he is. He is.

I’ll be 54 years old next month (25 October. Send cards, letters, and large expensive gifts). I’m just getting started. I’ve only been out to myself for about 4 years. I mean really out; when I could look and enjoy the sight of a beautiful, sexy man and not feel shame. I have struggled with this so long. I want the struggle to be over. But then, new struggles will emerge. Am I ready for those? I think so. It couldn’t be any worse, could it? At least the struggles would be out in the open.

I fear rejection; causing upset to others; losing face; not being taken seriously. Some of my constituents will feel a sense of betrayal. Some will “stop shopping with us.” We will lose “business.” Perhaps others will come. Perhaps there will be great support for me. But I don’t want it to be about me. And it isn’t all about me; it’s about what is right. It’s about living one’s life with honesty, integrity, and authenticity. But it’s my life we’re talking about here.

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom. I could use some of that stuff, right now. Now. Right now.

Reprogression / Proregression

Ever feel like you were walking backwards down the stairs?  If only I could "moon walk."  It looks like I'm gong forward, but. . . . .

But, on the other hand, maybe I am moving forward and it only looks like I'm moving backwards.  Whatever. Who knows what it comes from.  All the questions, the "why's" and "what if's".  I don't get too hung up in that.

What I'm getting to is that the downward spiral got deeper, faster, scarier.  So, I've started back on the anti-depressants.  And I'm glad I have.  Though I still hold the goal of "if you can't feel it, you can't heal it,"  I have to function to hold down a job, to get the laundry done, etc.  I want to live without the drugs, but this is not the time.  Too much happening, going on, swirling around me.  The stability seems more important, right now.

Maybe it's a crutch, maybe it's all in my imagination.  But I don't think it's that simple.  So, I am beginning to "feel better."  More focus, a bit more energy to get work done, less isolating, more interacting.  I can be a bit more "present" when I'm present.  That's a good thing.

Out of Focus

Though over the flu, I'm still not feeling up to snuff, as we say.  And, I'm not so sure why.  Some down, some tired, some busy.  Focusing at work seems to happen more easily when I limit my hours.  Plan on staying half a day, and for that amount of time, I get more done than many days when I stay the whole day.  Go figure.

My internet connectivity has been limited lately, and I haven't read many blogs.  Forgive my not getting to your blog.  I am grateful for those who continue to read mine, tedious as it may be, right now.  I'm hoping to catch up on some or just read the latest posts.  Reading is a time- and focus-consuming task for me. 

Actually, I've needed a lot of quiet lately.  Maybe more than usual.  And I've tried to take some, but not always with good result. Being without agenda, with no one demanding my time is hard for me to take.  I just don't know what to do with myself!  I know, many of you would kill for some free, agenda-less time.  And here I am, fretting over it.

Focus is the thing.  Somehow, I need to focus on planning some unfocused time.  Time when my only agenda is to sit with some silence.  Take a hike, and sit.  Take a book and read. 

E'en now, I'm fading.  Later.