The way, paved

I remember 1969. I had just finished 9th grade. Only vaguely do I remember news about Stonewall. I was very far from knowing who I was, let alone what to do about it.

It has been a long time, and much progress has been made. But not enough. And I long to do my part.

Even though I am in the position of having to lead a very guarded life, I long to be out and proud. With some folk, in some places, i am. But too many will be hurt. And, I'd prob ably lose my job.

I will not always be in such a schizoid sort of existence. And when I am not. I intend to be very noisy.

Thanks to all of you who are out, and proud, and talking about it, and working for us all. Thank you for doing what i can not yet do.

And thank you to those brave folk who, out of some kind of foolishness, refused to back down. As Spo has said so well, only when we stop being victims will others stop being persecutors.

Thank you. All

Onward

Tough weekend with lots happening. The graduation of the youngest, with attendant family visitors went well. (Thank you, God).

Meeting tonight the Board (Bored) of my organization went well, and we even finished early!

But, I have to work again this weekend. Ugh. I most always work part of every weekend, but lately it's been the whole weekend. Ugh!

And, here's news in the TMI department: I've had to ditch the PA. And I'd just gotten up to a 0 gauge, too. I am mightily disappointed. You don't want to know details. But it was the wise thing to do. For now. It will be back! But it's like starting all over.

It was my way of being outrageous, but not too much. It was for me. There is this part of me that wants to make a kind of "F--ck you" statement and something really "out there." I'm feeling like a failure, but I know it wasn't my fault. Maybe I moved too fast to gauge up. i don't know. But I'll find something else. Any ideas?

Oh, and the bears still come around most mornings.

Impulse Shopper

OK, I dealt in some retail therapy (sort of) a few weeks ago. I didn't purchase a tangible item, but a service, but it's just as bad. Or good.

I joined a gym! OMG. I cannot afford this. But they were having a sale. Or were they?

Did I comparison shop? No. Did I wheel and deal? Not much. Did I feel like I was buying a car, or something? Yes. Did I explore similar options with a local vendor? No. I went with a chain; I got bowled over; I caved in; I signed the papers.

I can't believe I did that. Where is my ex-wife when I need her? She was always the wheeler-dealer. She read books on car buying before a purchase. She read books on real estate before buying or selling. Me? Well, sweet innocent little me couldn't bargain his way out of a free food line.

At 6'2", 250 lbs, you'd think I'd be intimidating. But I am a little wussy pussy cat. Putty in their hands. Cash on their bankrolls. Ahhhh!

Of course, I always ask myself the questions of "do I need this?" and "do I deserve this?" as well as the "can I afford this?" question. Dragging my self-esteem out of the cesspool takes some effort, but I don't regret doing that. YES. I deserve it. YES, I need to do something to get into better shape. Even though I live in a beautiful area for hiking, I don't get out much. (Hey, I don't get out much in a lot of ways, but I digress).

Yes. I am as deserving as the next person. And, I need to "get a life." That's part of what this journey out of the closet is about: finding myself, discovering myself, creating myself. And I need more than just some "cardio" workout stuff. I want to strengthen arms and chest [and look like a real muscle bear] and be a healthier person.

So, how do all you in blogger-land manage going to the gym? How do you make it a habit? When do you go? Do you like to go?

So, tonight I meet with the trainer person. (Uh oh. I'm wearing my Atlanta Bucks t-shirt).

Remain Calm

After my last post, with picture of the bears, I had several comments to "be careful." I do appreciate you concern.

Let me note that the picture was taken through the glass door! No, I wasn't wandering around on the deck with bears; especially not a mama and her cubs! Now that would be asking for trouble!

Meanwhile, the search for housing needs to get ramped up a bit. Ugh. While I really enjoy C & S, (and the bears), I need a place "of my own" where my girls will feel comfortable coming over to visit. While they might want to meet C & S, they want to spend time with me.

This weekend will be the big graduation festivities for youngest. This fall she, too, will be off to school. I need to make the most of time.

The stresses and workload of late have been heavy. Ugh. So, let's de-stress with a picture of the garden in bloom.

Bears in the garden

The house where I live is populated by bears, inside and out! Inside, there's C and S, and me. Outside, a mama and two young cubs stop by for breakfast.

In the Garden

Here are some pictures of my new digs. My gracious hosts, S & C are wonderful and welcoming (as well as handsome and friendly). C is quite the horticulturalist (truly) and has planted and nurtured this beautiful garden.

Things are more in bloom now; I'll try to get some new pictures.

And here is the lily pond, complete with artwork.

Storage

I moved at the end of last month, and I had to move in a hurry! Here is a picture of the last bits from the living room.



After it was all packed into a truck, it got moved to my place of business and stored in an extra room. Blessedly we've got the storage space. That's saving me some bucks!


It's all there. In that room. Well, there is some in the basement, too, but most of it's right there.

It isn't as much as one might think. You can really see most of it in the picture. I'm glad to be traveling as lightly as I am. (May the poor of the world forgive me).

Next, I'll post some pictures of my present digs. Sharing a house with folk comes with ready-made garden.

Life goes on. Life is good. Busy, hectic, stressful. But I am glad to be alive, to be me.

Tonight, some friends are coming to stay over for the weekend. In between work requirements, we'll get to visit. I'm so glad to have friends.

Darkness is as Light

My friend died yesterday. God rest his soul. We'll never know what darkness he felt; now he is in the Light.

Psalm 139.11-12
11 If I say, ‘Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light around me become night’,
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is as bright as the day,
for darkness is as light to you.

May his soul, and the souls of all the departed, through the mercies of God, rest if peace.

Thanks to Birdie for offering reflection on her father's suicide. She is most wise.

Turning, turning

I've been up to my nostrils in stress. And I'm not sure the snorkeling is going so well.

A friend shot himself, attempting suicide, I guess. There are no notes, seemed to be no planning. It seems so f**cking random. And stupid. And tragic. I am hurting from this one.

The bullet fragmented in his brain, doing significant damage. But the body lives on. His family decided to remove him from machinery, and this afternoon that was done. I was with him, and them.

But the body lives on. So often people think "pulling the plug" means someone dies instantly, as with unplugging the television. But it ain't that simple. He may go soon, or he may last for days. There is no way to know. (Though, my experience with stubborn people is that they continue to be stubborn, right up to the last. We'll see.)

The waiting is very draining and emotionally exhausting. Makes it difficult to focus on much else. If it were some tragic accident or some extenuating health issue, that's one thing. Those are tragic enough. But suicide.

For now, we have to set aside all the unanswered (and unknowable) questions and focus simply on being with him, and with God.

In the last month, I have had to move. I have traveled far to retrieve eldest child from college and tried to bolster her. (I fear she's near some kind of breakdown). I've been with 68 teenagers and several adults on a five day school trip; fun, but exhausting. i come home and have this difficult situation to deal with

I've had enough stress for a while. Please.

Does not compute

The laptop computer which I have been using for six years has finally bitten the dust. Ashes to ashes, electron to electron. Actually, it "belongs" to the non-profit organization for which I work. (Yes, I clean all the history stuff, carefully and often).

Now, I'm off for a week of errands, field trips, retrievals, etc., with my offspring. If I have the chance to use a random computer somewhere, I might get in a post, otherwise it will be next week.

There are still pieces here and there and all over. But the core is holding. Solid.

I hope they buy me a new computer.