Friday, November 18, 2005

Truth & Consequences

Every day, we begin again. Didn't St. Benedict say that? And I think is was Thomas Merton who said, "Surely we are always beginners." So it goes. Beginning. Always. Coming out for me is an "always beginning" soet of thing. I have accepted the courage God has given to end the struggle within myself, but now it must begin outside. OK buddy, do you want to take this outside?

The drive to want to tell the world is strong but the reasons not to do so are stronger. I pray my will and sens of discernment are strong enough to hold out. Thank you, BLog, for being the window that has opened for me. I really do not like being "anonymous." But for now, it protects the innocent.

I have two children, daughters, 14 and 17. Last night, I had this strong desire to come out to them. I knew it was not the time. I have to officially come out to their mom (my wife) and go from there. I say "officially" because "it" has been an issue that has surfaced several times in our nearly twenty years of marriage. It's not like she doesn't suspect something. But the truth is the only thing that will set me free, and all of us free. We are redeemed by the Turth, for the truth.

The library of the place where I went to grad school had this statement carved in stone by the doorway: "Seek the Truth, Come whence it may, Cost what it will." The costs seem high, but I have faith that they will be worth it, eventually.

But I want to share this all with the ones I love most. Instead, I seem reduced to sharing it through electrons and radio waves here. (And yet, thank you for being here). It seems so totally bassackwards. I have so much to learn. I so appreciate those who have left comments for me. They have helped. I feel some connection with loving souls I've never really met and will most likely never see. And yet, even though is may be hind end forward, it is what is working for me.

"O Love that triumphs over loss, we bring our hearts before thy cross, to finish thy salvation." - from a hymn text by Walter Russel Bowie

If I may suggest, I've been reading a collection of essays/ stories by Nathan Gunther called "Queer as Faith" at http://www.gaychristian.net/qaf/ I don't yet know how to havge hidden links thing. I nonetheless commend it to you.

Cheers, Joe

1 comment:

Brian said...

Hi

Just wanted to let you know that you have me as a reader/listener. All the way from Canberra Australia.

I'm exclusively gay and have never even thought of marrying. But I was thirt-something before I 'came out' to myself and forty-something before I met my partner (my first and last). So not everyone has it all sorted before middle age!

I have some idea of what its like for you, as my partner (also a firm Christian) was formerly married. He has two gorgeous adult daughters whom I delight to have as members of my family but his ex-wife is no longer in touch and is far away in another country.

Take it slow, but be of good courage.

Brian