Coming out. There are times with I really enjoy this new found sense of freedom, even if it is only freedom of thought and not expression, yet. I have come out to myself decisively. New feelings and thoughts to which to become accustomed. But what are they all?
What part(s) of me have I always accepted as "me" but are parts that have something to do with being gay? Or are they simply part of being human? I know that being gay means more than just sexual behaviour. But what does it mean?
Is it behavioural? How I walk or act or use my voice? Most stereotypes have within them a modicum of reality, they come form somewhere, after all. But what stereotypes of "gay" do I exhibit and are they part of the essence of being gay.
I have done no reading on the subject, and I'm sure there are resources out there. I'd appreciate any suggestions.
I want to delight in who I am, and that is beginning to happen (in between the bouts of depression). Am I "acting" more gay? Have I always acted this way? Maybe they have all already figured it out and are just waiting for me? There could be some relief in that.
What difference does it make, what is the essence of it?
2 comments:
When my Partner (who had been out to his wife and kids for some time) finally came out more publicly, a friend told him that his limbs would get looser. It's true. It's not all about furtive sexual acting out or flamboyance. You are who you are. A big difference is now you can relax! Your muscles will begin to untighten, your joints will become less tense... life will indeed become different in many ways.
A resource (there are a gazillion) that I would recommend is GOLDEN MEN: The Power of Gay Midlife
by Harold Kooden, Charles Flowers. You can pick it up or order it at Borders or some such. It is a good look at how gay issues affect men our age, whether we have been out for decades or are in the first stages.
There are a number of good books on the whole gay Christian thing, too. I like Out on Holy Ground: Meditations on Gay Men's Spirituality by Donald L. Boisvert.
You don't say what denomination your are, but your church may have gay resource groups, too. That may be something to look for as you check out some of the Gay Faith Alliance members' sites.
I would suggest Stranger At The Gate by Mel White.
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