A friend of mine is a retired pastor. Once, he told me, a prominent big wig community leader came to him privately, knowing my friend was supportive of the gay community, though straight himself. This man said that he knew he was gay; no one else knew; he never came out. But, he said, "Before I die, I want one other person to know I am gay". My friend called it "solitary confinement."
What a concept. I can put a name on all these years of isolation. That inability to connect deeply with other people, particularly men. Fear, distrust, can't talk about. There have been some "connections," but you don't want to know. (Well, even if you do, I ain't telling it here). It was anonymous, sick, unhealthy, unhelpful. It denied relationship, it was a lie.
I wish not to live in solitary confinement any longer. Adjusting to the "outside world" is going to take time, but I can do it and will do it. I can have friends, make friends, come out of this closet into the light. Look, I know some of this sounds corny, but, God, it feels so good. Just these first steps.
It is funny how I've never ever felt like God abandoned me or condemned me. Never. For all some Christians say about what they think God wants, I wonder if they ever really asked God directly, or has it just been their reading (misreading) of scripture? I wonder.
Even God feels much more open to me now. Just a few steps. The journey keeps on.