Tuesday, November 15, 2005

This is a strange journey to begin. After all these years, I have decided finally that I am, indeed, gay. I have fought it tooth and nail. I have tried to find every other way for "getting out of it". But it is really so clear. Is it just trouble in relationships? Is is some kind of childhood shit that is unresolved? Is it just a sexual addiction? After all, I have a wife, children. I have been able to "perform" with out much trouble. Perhaps I am bi-sexual? So, if that be the case, why do I feel I can't do this anymore?

What do I know about being gay of bisexual or any of that? Hell, what do I know about being straight? Where do we learn these things? How do we learn them? Yes, I know, culture, family, heredity, yada, yada, yada. But what do I know about being gay?

Well, there is the sex part. I am somewhat familiar with that, I am sad to say, from all kinds of experiences: fast, anonymous, guilt-ridden. For the most part, all I know about being gay is from this kind of thing. Not a great place to start. And, I know that I struggle with a sexual addiction.

When I am really "out", will I be able to build relationships that aren't merely sex? Can I restrain myself from acting-out in such unhealthy ways? I am frightened by it all. Of course, there is one part of me that wants to act-out all over the place. And, I am not implying any judgment on any one else. But for me, I know the whole "relationship" thing is a struggle in itself. Will I make friends, build relationships, enter a community with integrity? Please God.

At least, I have begun to "come out" to myself. I have made the decision to begin living the truth. It's not that I have been living a lie, exactly. But I have been living a half-truth. I have been so caught in pleasing others, following an agenda set by others, that I have gotten lost in the shuffle. To live with integrity, as an integrated person, all the parts meshing as they are intended to mesh (well, most of them, anyway). The Truth is the only thing that saves us.

As I am starting this blog, I would appreciate hearing from anybody, just to see if anyone finds me.

Cheers, Mind the Bear

3 comments:

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Michael said...

You'll be fine. Check out things like the Queer Faith Alliance (you can link from a number of sites, including mine). You will likely discover all sorts of people who can help, who have been there (or somewhere in the neighborhood) and are willing to share their experience. A friend of mine is in the process of coming out in his late 40s. You can read about that at Rainbow Flag in Narnia (http://arainbowflaginnarnia.blogspot.com/). I suggested he look in on your blog, too.

Steve said...

And since EVERYBODY listens to Damien and his Boyfiend, I decided to stop by... :-)

Reading your entry was like you'd been reading my mail...we are miles and miles apart, but oh so close in our feelings and our stories.

I too fought this tooth and nail. Unlike you, I've been tragically impaired when it came to sexual performance - partly because of the standard equipment package, and mostly because of (a) my own hideous self-image and (b) denying myself access to my own basic urges.

I know I can't "play str8" anymore. Period.

I also know that I know next to nothing about being gay. So many of the obviously gay traits are so tragically lacking in me, it's not funny. And I haven't had the kind of "live fast, play hard" kind of sexual experiences many gay men have had.

For me, it's about self-honesty - and knowing that I haven't been rigorously honest with anyone for years until I decided to start coming out. You nailed it - it's about living with integrity, one person, and not a set of split personalities. And it's about learning to believe the stuff about God that I so gladly peddled to the world...believing that God has, and will, take me exactly as I am. Not "saint and sinner," not "condemned and justified," just gay and human - and ready to seek God "in spirit and in truth."

It's nice to know that I'm not the only "pushing-50" guy who is struggling with this. I don't wish it on you - but it's nice not to be completely alone, either. I'm glad to be "trudging the road" with you.