This is a strange journey to begin. After all these years, I have decided finally that I am, indeed, gay. I have fought it tooth and nail. I have tried to find every other way for "getting out of it". But it is really so clear. Is it just trouble in relationships? Is is some kind of childhood shit that is unresolved? Is it just a sexual addiction? After all, I have a wife, children. I have been able to "perform" with out much trouble. Perhaps I am bi-sexual? So, if that be the case, why do I feel I can't do this anymore?
What do I know about being gay of bisexual or any of that? Hell, what do I know about being straight? Where do we learn these things? How do we learn them? Yes, I know, culture, family, heredity, yada, yada, yada. But what do I know about being gay?
Well, there is the sex part. I am somewhat familiar with that, I am sad to say, from all kinds of experiences: fast, anonymous, guilt-ridden. For the most part, all I know about being gay is from this kind of thing. Not a great place to start. And, I know that I struggle with a sexual addiction.
When I am really "out", will I be able to build relationships that aren't merely sex? Can I restrain myself from acting-out in such unhealthy ways? I am frightened by it all. Of course, there is one part of me that wants to act-out all over the place. And, I am not implying any judgment on any one else. But for me, I know the whole "relationship" thing is a struggle in itself. Will I make friends, build relationships, enter a community with integrity? Please God.
At least, I have begun to "come out" to myself. I have made the decision to begin living the truth. It's not that I have been living a lie, exactly. But I have been living a half-truth. I have been so caught in pleasing others, following an agenda set by others, that I have gotten lost in the shuffle. To live with integrity, as an integrated person, all the parts meshing as they are intended to mesh (well, most of them, anyway). The Truth is the only thing that saves us.
As I am starting this blog, I would appreciate hearing from anybody, just to see if anyone finds me.
Cheers, Mind the Bear