Tension

Tension at home is beginning to grow thicker as we move towards the date at the end of the month for telling the children and my moving out. Am I ready for this? Well, I think most of the "plans" are in place. My wife is getting more and more anxious. When she gets anxious it comes out as anger and increased desire for control. Have I done this? or that? and don't we have to think about the other thing, too?

I'm not a great one for planning ahead but know that it is very wise to do so. But can everything be planned and scripted? I think not. Still, it may be best to try, to ease her mind and to help me not open my only only for exchanging my feet (and I have very big feet).

I am most afraid of leaving only to descend into my addiction: sex. Sure, we all want it, but when it becomes something that begins controlling your every waking moment, it's addiction, and it kills.

I can't squeeze work in between fantasies and pornography. I can't work out time with my children amongst hooking up with guys. I can't exist with this addiction to lust constantly trying to take over my brain. It kills.

This is my greatest fear. That I never really get a life, or learn about true intimacy. Sorry for the whiny post, but that's where I am this minute. Feels like I'm running from myself. Running from intimacy. Running.

Serenity to accept, courage to change, wisdom to know. Please.

A good wife.

This transition, leaving, changing stuff is hard under any circumstances. Sometimes I think it would be easier if my wife and I hated one another. But we don't. I need to sing her praises some.

She has been very, very angry at times, and with good cause. But she has never been vindictive or out to get me. She has some strong control needs (shall we say), but she has never tried to stop me. She has always wanted me to be a part of arrangements for separation, etc. By many standards, one might expect her not to want to speak to me or see me or do anything with me. But she has not pushed me away. At least, not much. She has been the soul of discretion, understanding, and patient. She is a good woman.

She knows that I love her and am not doing this because of "her". Truly, she is loving me enough to let me go. She wants me to be happy. And I certainly want that for her.

How are my feelings for her different now? I'm not sure how to answer that. I still love her, in much the way I think I always have. That seem a little sick to me. Have I never loved her "enough" or "the right way?" What do I know about relationships? Much of my life has been spent avoiding them, I think. I've always run from them. Always I've kept myself in check, never getting too close..... to any one!

Ugh. I've started talking about me, again. Whatever the limitations of my understanding of love, whatever shortcomings I have in regards to relationships, I know it may be no more than seeing through a mirror, dimly. But I love her and am so grateful for her love for me, loving enough to let go.

Promised Land - Land of Promise

Thanks to those who commented on my last post. Many helpful and supportive things were said, and I am very grateful. This weird electronic world is something that has kept me going. I don't feel so alone. Posts and emails and even calls are wonderful but can't fully substitute for actual person to person, face to face contact. A good, long bear hug would be sooooo nice. Just some cuddling. One of these days, soon.


Aside from too dry, the weather here is absolutely wonderful. Not too hot, not too humid. I got out for a walk this week, which was sorely needed. Getting out in the woods and playing in a creek are things that soothe my soul.

In our part of the Appalachian mountain chain, one of the taller peaks is Mt. Pisgah, at almost 6,000 ft. I know that's not tall by Western standards, but for us it certainly stands out. The name comes from the Biblical mountain from which Moses saw the promised land. Many other mountains and hills bear the name, along with many congregations. It is a name that signifies moving into a place of promise. Moses, however, did not cross over into the Promised Land. That was left for Joshua.


Since I can see Mt. Pisgah, I reckon that I must be in the Promised Land. Though it the journey is difficult at times, I look to the Promise. As you've heard it said, God did not promise to make it a painless journey; God's promise is that we will never have to be alone. God is with us.


With that in mind (and heart), I am looking forward to feeling more and more in the land of Promise, the life of Promise. Thomas Merton said something like this: "To be born again does not mean becoming some one else; it means becoming yourself."


My search for self is a becoming. Many of you have graciously helped me remember that. Thanks.

(That really is a picture of our Mt. Pisgah. My 50th birthday present was a ballon ride! So, I even snapped this picture my self.)

Quo vadis?

My time off just hasn't worked at all. Every place I tried to go for retreating was unavailable for one reason or another. Bummer. And so, the weekend was real downer. I did pull a muscle in my back and took some muscle relaxers. That, combined with depression, caused me to sleep most of the weekend. Today is better.

My moods seem really up and down. The antidepressant isn't working so well? or is there more going on? Who knows? At least today is a good day, in most ways.

Planning for the separation is so sad and depressing in and of itself, let alone the unknown of what comes next. Today was spent in not-so-useful activities that lead me to wonder more and more who I want to be, or maybe, who I am.

All these years I have tried to be straight, there was no conscious effort "not to be gay." I thought I wasn't really gay, and I have gone along being (what I have presumed is) me. I am aware of some urges (sex with men), and behaviors (too much leering) that I felt I should not be engaging in. But I don't think I've tried to put on a more "masculine" front than I already have (assuming I have one).

I know all the sexual fantasies and porn stories, etc. are about fantasy. Though in a heated moment I may imagine myself in the midst of such (as the short strokes take hold), I don't actually want to be like that. Do I?

I'll never have the six-pack abs (we must settle for a keg). I'll never be a Jack Radcliffe or such. But whom will I be? Who am I now?

I want to sit and think about this one a while. Suggestions or ways you have worked through this are welcome.

Hope to be back soon with The Answer to it all. Then, I'll go on Oprah and hawk my book.

Time off

I'm taking a few days off and hoping to spend some of it on retreat. The praying kind. Some time to read, maybe write, pray, sleep. Whatever. Of course, it's the "whatever" that both worries me and excites me.

The weather here in the moutains is so wonderful, I can't imagine living anywhere else. The prospect of that is more than a little disconcerting, yet I know that I well may have to re-locate because of job stuff if I want to come very far out of the closet. Oh, what a wonderful thought!

Many have written about the death of Jerry Falwell. I don't really believe in "hell" as he would have preached, so I'd better be prepared to meet him in the next life. I do believe in a merciful and just God. So, I can only hope Mr. Falwell is dwelling in paradise with lots of queer, black, hispanic, democratic, liberal, left wing saints and angels. I'll bet he will be surprized!

Addendum: I've read that Falwell had already planned for a transition of power in his "empire:" to his sons. Now that fits with "American values," eh? What a sad, controlling gesture.

Up or Down ?

The pain of others at the expense of "what I want" is about the hardest thing for me to bear. In a few weeks we will tell our children that Daddy is moving out. And then it happens. No words about why dad is moving out, not just yet. But in time. It is all becoming very real and very close to happening. My feelings are so very mixed up that I've felt paralyzed at times. Just making day-to-day decisions seems impossible. But, we soldier on.

My head acknowledges that I have a right to "what I want," and that this is not about some whim of desire but something at the core of my being. When you've been a co-dependent caretaker as long as I have, it's hard to make a switch and admit my needs.

For some bizarre, guilt-ridden reason, I don't like to admit it there is an up side to my moving out: greater freedom for me. Freedom to do what? That is the question for me.

God, I hope I am doing the right thing.

Because of my job, I still must remain largely in the closet. Though I might have the chance to build some (discreet) friendships, I must be very circumspect. To be outed would be disastrous

And in other news . . . .
My PA piercing is healing quite well. I have to say I'm enjoying it. Just knowing it's there is a boost, a reminder that I am (in process, at least, of) coming out. Now I'm anxious to gauge up a bit, but I want to make sure there has been plenty of healing. Right now, I've got a captive bead ring in. I want to get a circular barbell and maybe a bent barbell, too. Any ideas?

In the midst of a lot of sadness, there is still much for which to be grateful. If only I could remember that. . . . . .

Never Flagging

Up and down and up and down. Things move on. Today is a good day. I am grateful. I have found some folk for whom I can house sit for the summer (actually, through November - they summer in New England). So, that really relieves some of the financial pressures of moving out.

Thanks for supportive comments about my PA. It is doing well. It is for me an important "ritual" action, claiming my own body, claiming my gayness. Even though I have my days still of wishing it would all go away, things do get better.

I was encouraged to find the illustration of a certain flag flying with the Episcopal Church flag. Ye Ha!

I can't believe it, but I did

A gentle reader urged me (kindly but firmly) to "get over it." Well, that's easier said than done, but his point was good. I think I tend to blog when I'm really down. But there are some "up" times, too. There are a lot of ways in which I amaze myself in that I'm able to keep going as well as I am. ADD can have its gifts. So easily distractable, whenever I am down, it's not long before I'm distracted and off in another world. So, the journey continues.

We ADD types can be subject to impulsive actions. I am sure that adds into my addiction stuff. But there is one thing I have wanted to do for a decade but haven't. So, with calm centeredness and deliberate intent, I did it this week. I got a piercing.

I'm surprised I didn't chicken out; amazed I did not flinch; in complete wonderment at my determination and calmness. And I cannot tell you how excited I am about it. Much research, reading, questioning has gone into this. I may live to regret it, but it can always be fixed. Unlike a tattoo (one day) this is not exactly permanent.

With what I do every day, with children at home, etc., I have thought is wise not to get a piercing that is easily seen. Even my nipples might well show to family, and they'd freak out! So, this had to be done discreetly and where it will be seen by few, but known by me.

Why on earth do such a think? Hard to explain, I suppose, beyond "I just wanted to." For me it does provide a way of making a statement, albeit a concealed one. But I know it's there!

And now, you well may think I'm nuts. It didn't hurt nearly so much as I feared. And, it's healing quickly. I got a PA. Can you believe that?

Alleluia

Happy, joyous, freeing Easter to one and all. Alleluia, He is Risen! The Lord is Risen Indeed! Alleluia!

Personally, I'm not feeling much sense of resurrection. Actually, I am in the very pit of depression. Today, I slept much of the day, just a sign as to how little energy I'm feeling. And yet, I know that I'll make it, this will pass, Christ is risen for us continually.

Here is a prayer from the Human Rights Campaign's website, "Out in Scripture"

Great Resurrecting God,
may we see in the real lives
of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people
the truth of your resurrection power and possibility.
May we roll back every stone
that continues to entomb any part of your creation.
May we invite you to re-create each one of us
until resurrection and liberation prevail for all. Amen.

What's important? I am.

I'm back from our mission trip and had a great time. Sure, it was hard work, but that never hurts. To see some of the devastation that remains along the coast and to speak with those who survived it was quite a moving experience. It certainly gives perspectives to all the stuff we worry about every day. Is it really that important?

One thing happened that really stirred me up. One of the director-type persons who runs the program of which we were a part seemed to me obviously gay. Tall, thin, a little bit effeminate. Some stereotypical "gay traits." Of course, I could be wrong, I had little or no contact with him. And I do not mean to cast aspersions on any one. But this is the point: In a discussion of how the program was run, some other volunteers wanted to make suggestions on how it might run better. They said, "We could talk to XXXX (a woman director-type), but I don't think she would do anything." I suggested they talk to the other director-type, the (possibly) gay man. These very straight guys simply rolled their eyes and said, "Oh." It seemed obvious to me that they thought him of no consequence because he was queer.

Of course I could be wrong about all that, but the incident drove home to me how I may well be completely dismissed by many straights simply because I'm gay. Well, duh! I suppose I've known this in my head, but this hit me at a deeper level. The reality of the cost of coming out hit home, and it hit hard.

Oh my God. What am I in for? This and some other things have sent me into a real funk. It feels like I'm jumping into a black hole. I know this is largely about the real injustices of life, but now it is becoming personal. It's me who will be the recipient of this. No longer abstract, this is real. What am I in for?

And, the realities of separation from my wife is looming large. I'm scared. I know I will make it through, but the feelings are close to the surface.

With all of these feelings and my reflecting on "what's important," I have to say that this issue is important to me. I am important, I have much to offer, and I refused to be dismissed. What will be, will be. The losses will be mine, but the losses of those who may dismiss me will be even greater.

Cheers, Joe.