The pain of others at the expense of "what I want" is about the hardest thing for me to bear. In a few weeks we will tell our children that Daddy is moving out. And then it happens. No words about why dad is moving out, not just yet. But in time. It is all becoming very real and very close to happening. My feelings are so very mixed up that I've felt paralyzed at times. Just making day-to-day decisions seems impossible. But, we soldier on.My head acknowledges that I have a right to "what I want," and that this is not about some whim of desire but something at the core of my being. When you've been a co-dependent caretaker as long as I have, it's hard to make a switch and admit my needs.
For some bizarre, guilt-ridden reason, I don't like to admit it there is an up side to my moving out: greater freedom for me. Freedom to do what? That is the question for me.
God, I hope I am doing the right thing.
Because of my job, I still must remain largely in the closet. Though I might have the chance to build some (discreet) friendships, I must be very circumspect. To be outed would be disastrous
And in other news . . . .
My PA piercing is healing quite well. I have to say I'm enjoying it. Just knowing it's there is a boost, a reminder that I am (in process, at least, of) coming out. Now I'm anxious to gauge up a bit, but I want to make sure there has been plenty of healing. Right now, I've got a captive bead ring in. I want to get a circular barbell and maybe a bent barbell, too. Any ideas?
In the midst of a lot of sadness, there is still much for which to be grateful. If only I could remember that. . . . . .
7 comments:
I feel the same way, very often. It is very difficult to remember that we have a right to find happiness too. Remember that you are where you are not because you intended to hurt your wife, kids and others. Good luck.
"The pain of others at the expense of "what I want" is about the hardest thing for me to bear."
BearToast:
how well I remember the agony of the decision and the agony of the actual events, no matter how well I had tried to prepare myself.
I only hope that you will be able to persevere and find something to see you through. You have to have faith that you will come out on the other side; on whatever level "truth" is possible, you know in your bones it WILL set you free.
Bless you.
T@C
Special bathroom accommodations for gays and lesbians
I’m a gay man with a brother that is gay also. I also have two straight brothers that I never saw an inkling of them being homophobic. I was however, shocked when my brother who lives in D.C. told me about a bit of propaganda about gays are now requiring their own bathrooms. He believed it!! I said Steve; this is the oldest bit of propaganda that’s been around for years now. It started in Colorado about ten years ago. If it were indeed true don’t you think that the media would be all over it because the outrageousness of such a requirement. Don’t believe everything you read. Much of it is put out by the Christian right. The Jerry Falwells and the other emotionally impaired groups that follow this type of demogogary like sheep. These people don’t have the ability to actually think for themselves and therefore give up their god given abilities to think through issues in a reasonable manner because fear is at the center of how these demagogues work.
The followers of these religious radicals are not the brightest or the smartest that America has to offer. The scariest part is there are so many of them. Fear is a very powerful motivator. If any of this nonsense were true it would not be just a little snippet of an article in a newspaper or something one would hear on the Bill O’Reilly show. I said just stop and think for a moment the huge news coverage this would actually get if it were truly from a reliable news agency. Don’t worry anyone. The public bathrooms will continue to smell as they always have. If there indeed were special bathrooms, everyone would want to use them because they wouldn’t stink. Most gay men have a better aim and clean up after themselves. Thank you, Aaron www.aaronjasonsilver.com
most real steps of progress are bittersweet, so nothing surprising in the 'mixed feelings' you have.
I still think your kids won't be that surprised or shocked by the announcement.
ok man,i must admit i always feel the same thing, i have hurt deeply the ones i love the most, and i feel like a piece of shit for it but deep down inside sometimes i am just dancing on air because there is so much to be greatful for, always remember that and kids will heal quickly, you are still their father and always will be, and who we love and sleep with will never change that....
dave
It may be difficult now, but what is better to live in truth or live a lie? Most lies we think are well hid, but usually they are right out there, we have just all decided not to acknowledge them.
I want to commend you for the way you are going about the coming out process. My own experience was so much more chaotic and unplanned, and it still pains me to think about some of the things I said and did to my loved ones during that period of my life.
I really enjoy reading your blog. Your writing is always so honest and to the point. Keep the posts coming.
Oh yeah, and congrats on the PA--a very sexy choice, my friend. I am jealous that you are so much braver than I am.
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