My time off just hasn't worked at all. Every place I tried to go for retreating was unavailable for one reason or another. Bummer. And so, the weekend was real downer. I did pull a muscle in my back and took some muscle relaxers. That, combined with depression, caused me to sleep most of the weekend. Today is better.
My moods seem really up and down. The antidepressant isn't working so well? or is there more going on? Who knows? At least today is a good day, in most ways.
Planning for the separation is so sad and depressing in and of itself, let alone the unknown of what comes next. Today was spent in not-so-useful activities that lead me to wonder more and more who I want to be, or maybe, who I am.
All these years I have tried to be straight, there was no conscious effort "not to be gay." I thought I wasn't really gay, and I have gone along being (what I have presumed is) me. I am aware of some urges (sex with men), and behaviors (too much leering) that I felt I should not be engaging in. But I don't think I've tried to put on a more "masculine" front than I already have (assuming I have one).I know all the sexual fantasies and porn stories, etc. are about fantasy. Though in a heated moment I may imagine myself in the midst of such (as the short strokes take hold), I don't actually want to be like that. Do I?
I'll never have the six-pack abs (we must settle for a keg). I'll never be a Jack Radcliffe or such. But whom will I be? Who am I now?
I want to sit and think about this one a while. Suggestions or ways you have worked through this are welcome.
Hope to be back soon with The Answer to it all. Then, I'll go on Oprah and hawk my book.
8 comments:
If you find the answer, or how to find the answer, let me know.
I was watching a gay channel on cable, and I was thinking the same thing (though I've been living the "gay lifestyle" for almost 7 years now!)
The people on that channel, I somehow identified with their issues, BUT their behavior and mannerisms, their lifestyle seemed so UNLIKE mine. Most of it seemed to be typical stereotypical stuff, that I don't seem to really fit into (esp. with the bear crowd who are pretty much a minority I think, as they are typically your average guy - e.g. boring for entertainment! lol.)
I do still go on this search like you do, even questioning if I'm really gay...but I've concluded this is all just an illusion. I AM clearly gay. YOu ask "whom will I be? Who am I now?" The answer is to simply look in the mirror. You are ALREADY who you are now and will be...you'll find that even if you have a guy on your arm, waking up to him every day, most of who you are won't change at all! The doubt and wonder won't go away because we're constantly being reminded that it's "wrong" or a "choice" - which is not easy to prove. The change will be that you'll just feel more at ease (and hopefully happier) in your skin. :)
Everything that everyone above has said, I agree. THE ANSWER lies within you. There is no ONE answer. We each have to find our OWN answer, and it's not easy. You are going thru a very rough time right now. It's to be expected. I know it hurts, and you are fearful, and doubtful, but the reality is, you really have no choice. You can't go on the way you were. You can only go forward. Believe that MANY have travelled the road you are on, and there are many more to follow, and yes, it can be an up-hill battle.
If you truly believe in God, then you know that HE is with you...all you need to do is ask HIM to help.
if you are fortunate, you will spend a lifetime finding out the answer.
being confused about things is a good start as you are way ahead of those who think they have it answered.
if we were straight, we would be constantly leering and not think a damn thing about it...but because we are gay, the its wrong, and its a choice shit still plague our minds....i wondered for years if i was gay and what i could do to fix it, i don't wonder any more and don't try to fix it cause i ain't broke, this is me, this is who i am, this is who you are so now lets embrace it and embrace life to the fullest that God meant for it to be for us
Baby bear, you don't have to be any kind of gay man except that beautiful cuddly one with the great smile you see in the mirror every morning. You're turning into you. It ain't always fun, to be sure, but it's your journey. Savour it. When you turn around, the people who've always loved you will be there.
AW Joe....I feel like such a clod. I've been so focused on all my drama, I've gotten so far behind in reading up on my brothers' blogs. Tonight I've read a lot of yours....and all I can offer is a cyber HUG. I know how you're feeling....and I know how overwhelming it is to try and figure out what kind of gay man you're going to be. Is there going to be a LTR? Am I attractive enough? How do I deal with "those" urges? What I've learned is that you take it one step at a time....and for all the sadness....and the "fog"....and the roller coaster....there comes a time when you see glimmers of hope of a new future....... Just keep breathing....and keep in touch.....and I'll do the same.
Hey Bear!
As my shrink told me: What you do is YOUR way to be a man. It will be different than the way others go about being men, but it is no less valid.
Who you are is YOUR way to be a man and it is totally valid!
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