Saturday, June 09, 2007

Tension

Tension at home is beginning to grow thicker as we move towards the date at the end of the month for telling the children and my moving out. Am I ready for this? Well, I think most of the "plans" are in place. My wife is getting more and more anxious. When she gets anxious it comes out as anger and increased desire for control. Have I done this? or that? and don't we have to think about the other thing, too?

I'm not a great one for planning ahead but know that it is very wise to do so. But can everything be planned and scripted? I think not. Still, it may be best to try, to ease her mind and to help me not open my only only for exchanging my feet (and I have very big feet).

I am most afraid of leaving only to descend into my addiction: sex. Sure, we all want it, but when it becomes something that begins controlling your every waking moment, it's addiction, and it kills.

I can't squeeze work in between fantasies and pornography. I can't work out time with my children amongst hooking up with guys. I can't exist with this addiction to lust constantly trying to take over my brain. It kills.

This is my greatest fear. That I never really get a life, or learn about true intimacy. Sorry for the whiny post, but that's where I am this minute. Feels like I'm running from myself. Running from intimacy. Running.

Serenity to accept, courage to change, wisdom to know. Please.

9 comments:

Lemuel said...

How are the group sessions going? Are you still attending?

I suspect your wife's tension and the anger and the "have we thought about this"'s are her way of trying to deal with/postpone your leaving.

As you are aware, your forthcoming "freedom" has many possible ramifications, among them being that current restraints are gone. You will need to build other structures to assist in your self discipline.

Wishing you every good thing and sending abundant HUGS as you face a new future!

Michael said...

1) Pause when agitated.
2) Plan plans, not results. You are right that not every contingency can be foreseen or planned for, but you make a reasonable effort to think ahead and trust God to take care of it when it happens anyway.
3) Just do the next right thing today. Or this hour. Light for the next thing will come.
4) And, again, pause when agitated. Take a deep breath.
5) If all else fails, walk down a street with a plastic pink flamingo under your arm as though you did it every day. I can almost guarantee it will lighten your mood and the mood of those who see you -- assuming you don't get institutionalized, of course.

Word for the day: mwalfrz -- the difficulty of controlling the control freaks (including the one who lives in your head)

Jeremiah Andrews said...

Getting anxious is not going to help you. And acting out sexually really isn't going to help you either.

Keep your dick in your pants for Christ's sake! There will be plenty of time for sex after the dust settles.

Remember to breathe and take it easy, calm head prevail. Are you making a mountain out of a molehill? Jeez - don't say anything more than you have to.

You and Mommy are separating, they don't need to real reason right now! You can wait on total disclosure until the primary separation is done with.

It sounds like this is coming to a head, like someone shaking a bottle of beer and it is about to explode. Is that necessary?

Take a pill, relax and don't get angry. If she gets angry thats her issue not yours unless you decide to engage her. That would be your undoing.

Acting out is NOT an option. Do you want to end up sick or dead? Addiction is a choice - choose the right choice here - and NOT the wrong one.

Jeremy

A Troll At Sea said...

BearToast:

This is where it gets hard. Remember a couple of things, and they may get you through the worst of it.

Your love was real. The end is not the whole story, and is not even the end. It is only the end of "life as we know it" -- we know that is NEVER the end.

Everything will change. You need to leave physically; she may need to separate from you in ways that will be intensely painful to you, and unexpected.

Keep your eye on the big picture: your children, salvaging what can be salvaged, doing what you know is the right thing even though it seems insane or unbearable under the circumstances.

And keep breathing.
Know that we are all here wishing you the best through this dreadful time, and, yes, some of us are praying for you as well.

Know that you are loved just as you are; that does not mean that you are not called to change. It does mean that new life is often hard to recognize as such -- remember that Mary Magdalene thought her best friend some random hired hand when she met him again...

You will be having plenty of those moments.

And if you are extremely lucky, you may meet some guy who not only takes your breath away, but gives you the time of day.

That is my private prayer for you.

But: one day at a time.
"Sererity, courage, wisdom" is not a bad list.

yr
T@C

BentonQuest said...

Hey Joe, just be gentle with yourself, your wife, and the whole situation. I can guess it feels overwhelming but you will make it through. I am in agreement that finding some structure before things change would be helpful.

john said...

Don't be so hard on yourself. So many things are changing for you. Take time to breathe, take time to slow down, take time for yourself.

You have to take care of yourself through all of this. And you have to try and understand that a lot of the confusion and the frustration comes from the personal changes that are happening.

Let us help you take it step by step. Reach out when you need to and lean when you can't stand up on your own.

Ur-spo said...

remember; you are a marvelous man - don't approach this with an aura of 'expecting rejection'.
be bold and brave and let strenght shine.

Creative Thinker said...

Joe -- ditto to what Troll said. Be good to yourself. You are on the brink of a huge new adventure. Love yourself. Enjoy where the day takes you and know that you have friends out there.

Frank said...

Joe --

When things begin changing as a result of decisions that are made in our head, it's a tough adjustment on oh so many different levels. Expect doubt, expect overwhelming hormonal urges, expect sadness, expect a trmendous sense of loss and a longing for the old, familiar life. I was even more of a drama queen -- wondering if the world continued to need someone like me in it.

But you just keep breathing.....keep moving one foot in front of the other. Welcome to the roller coaster...at times you will wonder if it ever ends.

It does, in time. Writing about everything and keeping focused spiritually are keys to success.

When you need an ear...write me.