Wednesday, May 30, 2007

A good wife.

This transition, leaving, changing stuff is hard under any circumstances. Sometimes I think it would be easier if my wife and I hated one another. But we don't. I need to sing her praises some.

She has been very, very angry at times, and with good cause. But she has never been vindictive or out to get me. She has some strong control needs (shall we say), but she has never tried to stop me. She has always wanted me to be a part of arrangements for separation, etc. By many standards, one might expect her not to want to speak to me or see me or do anything with me. But she has not pushed me away. At least, not much. She has been the soul of discretion, understanding, and patient. She is a good woman.

She knows that I love her and am not doing this because of "her". Truly, she is loving me enough to let me go. She wants me to be happy. And I certainly want that for her.

How are my feelings for her different now? I'm not sure how to answer that. I still love her, in much the way I think I always have. That seem a little sick to me. Have I never loved her "enough" or "the right way?" What do I know about relationships? Much of my life has been spent avoiding them, I think. I've always run from them. Always I've kept myself in check, never getting too close..... to any one!

Ugh. I've started talking about me, again. Whatever the limitations of my understanding of love, whatever shortcomings I have in regards to relationships, I know it may be no more than seeing through a mirror, dimly. But I love her and am so grateful for her love for me, loving enough to let go.


Jeremiah Andrews said...

Bear !!!!

I like to say that I err on the side of "it's better to be amicable friends that care about each other, than vindictive enemies trying to kill each other."

Once the separation has been successful you will find your bearings and each in your own way, over time, will find their respective roles in each others lives. The children are the most important. If they see you two as friends being kind and supportive, this will tell them that all is well. We get mad, and shit happens.

But we must be allowed to feel and deal right? No separation ever ended without some anger, pain, resentment and fear! You are not unique.

What is Good about this is that you will be a father until you die, gay or straight, and the maintenance of those relationships will keep you in check.

You are on the path so keep an eye out for those pits. The only way to learn how to live in a new "location" sexually and physically is to behave your way into it and through it. There are really no books that have concrete ideas about this.

But we can help you transition, and even better, if at any point your wife needs to talk, we are here to talk to her as well. Making sure she is alright is important too, that she has someone to talk to as well, that may enlighten her to grow through this into love and respect because "To thine own self be true" is difficult for men and women in your situation.

Each situation is different and brings with it certain problems and issues but that's why I do what I do professionally now.

It is better to love and lost, than to never have loved at all my friend.

That she is still in your corner is a good sign, and you must (you both must) begin to set up some boundaries so that neither is enabling the other to behave badly or continue with control issues. Yet the children need managing.

Don't let certain issues manifest, become rooted and fester, because if that happens the dynamic of your relationship will sour and things may go south...

Stay on your toes and keep us informed. If you or your wife needs me let me know.


Brent said...

I feel the same way. Did I ever really love my wife enough or in the right way? But I've realized that looking back makes moving forward difficult. Now I'm trying (not always successfully) just to be the best friend I can be for her.
Good luck on the separation, mine is still a few years out.

Frank said...

Gosh, you guys are blessed beyond words. I hope you know this. My experience is the total opposite. I don't mean to whine, but it has been a hellish journey that I have been on. I don't feel that I have been supported....I don't know how much I was really loved. As such, I don't want to remain "friends" with her.

In the 25 years that she knew of my struggle, I told her many things....private things about me. All those have been disclosed to whoever will listen....I've been outted....etc....and painted with a broad brush as some type of ogre....which I am not. I fact it aches.

If you are able to maintain a close and warm relationship with your former spouses, my hat is off to you. You are blessed more than you will ever know.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

They have children, and we have been working with bear for some time on this issue. he has had great advisers and mentors to help him and keep him spiritually grounded.

You can't just up and say one day, woops I am Gay and I am leaving with no warning, planning or counseling and expect things to go well.

That's why we do what we do here, to help couples and singles do this transition without dying themselves or killing another in the process.


Lemuel said...

I liked this post. It reflected my own feelings. We just celebrated our 35th this past Sunday. I truly love my wife, but not in the way the world wants to define it.

Frank said...

In my case, my wife knew for over 25 years that I am gay. She just upped and said we're divorcing one day out of the blue. No muss. She's a minister and her ministry has always been priority one......never me....never the kids....... During the separation and divorce, she accused me unjustly of everything under the son. My world changed 180 degrees........and now I'm left pcking up the pieces.

daveincleveland said...

heres where i am at bear and your very lucky, we have become bitter emenies in the same house, while i fear if i give in and act like i still love her, in that way, she will thinkall is ok and that everything is fine, so we fight, fude ,argue, don't speak,and it hurts, hurts because i look back at our 30 yrs and we were best friends, but was it all a front becuase i was gay???? i don't want her thinking that i am fixed, cause thats what she wants, then she will scream at me we are finished and i don't care what you do..........just don't know what to do