This transition, leaving, changing stuff is hard under any circumstances. Sometimes I think it would be easier if my wife and I hated one another. But we don't. I need to sing her praises some.
She has been very, very angry at times, and with good cause. But she has never been vindictive or out to get me. She has some strong control needs (shall we say), but she has never tried to stop me. She has always wanted me to be a part of arrangements for separation, etc. By many standards, one might expect her not to want to speak to me or see me or do anything with me. But she has not pushed me away. At least, not much. She has been the soul of discretion, understanding, and patient. She is a good woman.
She knows that I love her and am not doing this because of "her". Truly, she is loving me enough to let me go. She wants me to be happy. And I certainly want that for her.
How are my feelings for her different now? I'm not sure how to answer that. I still love her, in much the way I think I always have. That seem a little sick to me. Have I never loved her "enough" or "the right way?" What do I know about relationships? Much of my life has been spent avoiding them, I think. I've always run from them. Always I've kept myself in check, never getting too close..... to any one!
Ugh. I've started talking about me, again. Whatever the limitations of my understanding of love, whatever shortcomings I have in regards to relationships, I know it may be no more than seeing through a mirror, dimly. But I love her and am so grateful for her love for me, loving enough to let go.
5 comments:
I feel the same way. Did I ever really love my wife enough or in the right way? But I've realized that looking back makes moving forward difficult. Now I'm trying (not always successfully) just to be the best friend I can be for her.
Good luck on the separation, mine is still a few years out.
Gosh, you guys are blessed beyond words. I hope you know this. My experience is the total opposite. I don't mean to whine, but it has been a hellish journey that I have been on. I don't feel that I have been supported....I don't know how much I was really loved. As such, I don't want to remain "friends" with her.
In the 25 years that she knew of my struggle, I told her many things....private things about me. All those have been disclosed to whoever will listen....I've been outted....etc....and painted with a broad brush as some type of ogre....which I am not. I hurt...in fact it aches.
If you are able to maintain a close and warm relationship with your former spouses, my hat is off to you. You are blessed more than you will ever know.
I liked this post. It reflected my own feelings. We just celebrated our 35th this past Sunday. I truly love my wife, but not in the way the world wants to define it.
In my case, my wife knew for over 25 years that I am gay. She just upped and said we're divorcing one day out of the blue. No fuss..no muss. She's a minister and her ministry has always been priority one......never me....never the kids....... During the separation and divorce, she accused me unjustly of everything under the son. My world changed 180 degrees........and now I'm left pcking up the pieces.
heres where i am at bear and your very lucky, we have become bitter emenies in the same house, while i fear if i give in and act like i still love her, in that way, she will thinkall is ok and that everything is fine, so we fight, fude ,argue, don't speak,and it hurts, hurts because i look back at our 30 yrs and we were best friends, but was it all a front becuase i was gay???? i don't want her thinking that i am fixed, cause thats what she wants, then she will scream at me we are finished and i don't care what you do..........just don't know what to do
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