One thing happened that really stirred me up. One of the director-type persons who runs the program of which we were a part seemed to me obviously gay. Tall, thin, a little bit effeminate. Some stereotypical "gay traits." Of course, I could be wrong, I had little or no contact with him. And I do not mean to cast aspersions on any one. But this is the point: In a discussion of how the program was run, some other volunteers wanted to make suggestions on how it might run better. They said, "We could talk to XXXX (a woman director-type), but I don't think she would do anything." I suggested they talk to the other director-type, the (possibly) gay man. These very straight guys simply rolled their eyes and said, "Oh." It seemed obvious to me that they thought him of no consequence because he was queer.
Of course I could be wrong about all that, but the incident drove home to me how I may well be completely dismissed by many straights simply because I'm gay. Well, duh! I suppose I've known this in my head, but this hit me at a deeper level. The reality of the cost of coming out hit home, and it hit hard.
Oh my God. What am I in for? This and some other things have sent me into a real funk. It feels like I'm jumping into a black hole. I know this is largely about the real injustices of life, but now it is becoming personal. It's me who will be the recipient of this. No longer abstract, this is real. What am I in for?
And, the realities of separation from my wife is looming large. I'm scared. I know I will make it through, but the feelings are close to the surface.
With all of these feelings and my reflecting on "what's important," I have to say that this issue is important to me. I am important, I have much to offer, and I refused to be dismissed. What will be, will be. The losses will be mine, but the losses of those who may dismiss me will be even greater.