Friday, March 03, 2006

Free Fallin'

You cross your arms on your chest and stand on the edge of some kind of elevated platform, exposed, alone. Standing on the edge you fall backwards. The moment of terror. Oh God. And then, folk on the ground, lined up facing one another, arms outstretched, catch you. From the beginning of the fall until you feel there arms on your back, that is the moment of terror. Are they really there; will they make the catch? Chris writes well about this in one of his posts.

You wonder if they will catch you. Do you trust them enough? Coming out feels like doing a trust fall, but with no assurance there is any one there to catch you. On this end, I have few if any friends to whom I can confide. It would seem very lonely indeed, except for my connections through the blogosmos.

I have felt richly blest to have many friends in the blogosphere. We have never met, face to face. We don’t even know one another’s real names or many details of our lives. And yet you have been catching me for some time now, and I thank you.

The roller coaster of emotions has left the station. As the ascent begins, you hear that clack – clack – clack – clack of the ratchets as the lock into place, preventing a back slide. You approach slowly the top of the arc. You cross the apex. Thedescentbeginsthe bottom dropsoutthefloorfallsaway. . . . . .

The pit of your stomach is somewhere near your ears. What next, what next. . . .

Terrifying, and exhilarating. Fear in the anticipation, fear in the execution, fear in the midst of it all.

Jesus said “fear not.” Y*W* G*d says, “I will be with you.”

Shalom, Joe.

5 comments:

Flip said...

Hang in there, Joe. You're definitely not alone.

Brian said...

I came out to my wife about this time last year. Almost the same age as you, same concerns, same fears. I don't need to tell you the read ahead is not an easy one. If you want to talk, I'm here.

dave in cleveland said...

good days bad days, emotional highs and lows, just like the hormones are kicking in at puberty...exciting,scary,sad, all wrapped up into 1 package, its been a year for me ..rough road. but end destination is what we are all aiming for,freedom, completness ..hang in there joe

Michael said...

As I often quote a rabbi friend, we fall into the lap of God.

I have discovered on my own that the sacrament of God's lap is the arms of loving folks. We're here. You don't have to trust us, but you can trust God.

jgmfh -- Joe gets more friendly hugs.

Brian said...

You mean me? novocoboro@hotmail.com