Sunday, March 19, 2006


Over the weekend, I received this comment to one of my posts. I am going to reply to it but only after some thought. I am sad that this comment was done anonymously, but perhaps he or she will have more to say later.

Grace & Peace, Joe.

I am sorry for your pain.. and i won't go into the rights or wrongs of being gay.. But one thing I do have to ask.. and perhaps you should as well.. You made a vow when you and your 'wife' got married. You have children.. you have a responabilty to them.. even though you have 'come out' so to speak.. does that mean you have the right to throw away the life you have, the one you built with YOUR wife? with your children? Does your happiness come before your families?? Is it really worth the destruction that your causing??not only to them.. but to your soul as well.. ?? Think about it. please

posted by "Anonymous"


CanEragon said...

Just because you came out, does not mean that you necessarily will walk away from your family. Maybe this person thinks you are going to leave them high and dry?

AS you stated before - this issue has been on the table for many years, although no one talked about it, so the writing was on the walls.

Now that you know where you are going in your life, you might become a better father to your children for honesty builds character, and you may be a good friend to the woman you were married to.

One must remember this is not always about "them" sometimes - life is about us. And sometimes you have ot be selfish where certain issues are concerned.

Taking care of You first is necessary at times. Unless anonymous had read all the past entries, they would have no idea what they are talking about???

Just a few thoughts for you to think about before you post your reply.

Courage - Unity and Faith my friend.


Sean said...

Something to consider also, is the fact that hiding the truth from your wife was probably hurting her more than you knew. This was the case with my (ex)wife. She always thought there was something wrong with herself, when in fact, the reason we didn't have sex often and the reason I wasn't attrated to her was because of my own issues. It was totally wrong of me to (try to) deceive her all of those years, but one could argue my deception wasn't working very well anyway. She knew, in her heart of hearts, that something was afoot.

Although I never was unfaithful to her physically, I was unfaithful to her emotionally and mentally. And, after all, isn't physical unfaithfulness just a result of emotional unfaithfulness? It has to start somewhere.

Of course there are the moral issues of making a promise-- a vow. And, yes, ultimately my divorce was my own doing, even though she is the one who filed. I was the one who made the decision to stop working at the marriage. One could argue if morally, religiously, she was justified in filing for divorce, but that's irrelevant in my opinion. It was my decision to renege on my vow of cherishing only her forever. Sure, two wrongs don't make a right, but in one way, following through physically with a decision I had already made emotionally only seemed natural. In fact, it seemed inevitable-- unavoidable. I honestly tried for years and years to honor her only. But my desires for men were something that a vow couldn't change. My vow did a good job of changing my behavior, but it couldn't change who I was. And in the end, the question still remained, "Is it doing her any good if she stays with a man who deep down inside, is living a lie?"

This may all be some shameful attempt at justification, but until you've walked in my (and your) shoes, it's not possible to really understand the issues.

Now, after the immense pain my ex-wife has endured, I believe she is ultimately happier than when she was with me. It has been (and still is, I'm sure) a horribly painful process for her. (It wasn't as painful for me-- I would use "liberating" as the adjective to describe my situation now.) But the results of her pain, I believe, will bring to her more happiness than she would have ever had if we had stayed together in that dark, damp closet.