Dear Anonymous 3 - Finding myself

This another post responding to a comment from an anonymous reader, left on this linked post.

I am sorry for your pain.. and i won't go into the rights or wrongs of being gay.. But one thing I do have to ask.. and perhaps you should as well.. You made a vow when you and your 'wife' got married. You have children.. you have a responabilty to them.. even though you have 'come out' so to speak.. does that mean you have the right to throw away the life you have, the one you built with YOUR wife? with your children? Does your happiness come before your families?? Is it really worth the destruction that your causing??not only to them.. but to your soul as well.. ?? Think about it. please
posted by "Anonymous"

You have children.. you have a responabilty to them.. even though you have 'come out' so to speak.. does that mean you have the right to throw away the life you have, the one you built with YOUR wife? with your children?

Yes, I have a responsibility to my children, which is a big reason I am coming out. No, I have not told them yet, but I will. I am puzzled by the punctuation of this comment because I am not sure which phrase goes with which. “Even though you have ‘come out’ so to speak ..” seems to be suggesting that I might be under the impression that coming out absolves me of all family responsibilities, that the result of my coming out would be the abandonment of my children. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Why would I see coming out as the responsible thing to do as a parent? Because children know more truth than they can express or even comprehend. As far as I know, they do not know (consciously) that I am gay. I would not be surprised if, when they are told, they said, “Well, duh, Dad. We knew there was a reason you liked to sing Broadway musicals with us. We knew there was a reason you like to dance so much.”

There is an old saying that comes (I believe) from the 12 step tradition: “We are as sick as our secrets.” And families are as sick as their secrets. To keep this secret and this secret life from my children is more hurtful, in the long run, than the trauma of my coming out. What life would you have me keep? What life should I not “throw away?” A life that looks great on the outside, a life that has the trappings of success, love, faithfulness. But a life that is so consumed with angst that I can only barely function sometimes.

When a family system is filled with anxiety, children know. They will begin to live that anxiety that goes unspoken, unacknowledged, undealt with.

It would be better for my children to have two households with healthy parents, than one with none.

Does your happiness come before your families?? Is it really worth the destruction that your causing??not only to them.. but to your soul as well.. ?? Think about it. Please

Yes, I can see how my coming out is a self-centered thing, but it is not merely selfish. This isn’t only about my getting what I want. Though the immediate time is quite painful, I believe it will be better.

Is it "worth the destruction?" I can only hope and believe that wherever their is death, new life will spring forth. There is no Easter without Good Friday; no resurrection without the cross.

This journey has been for me a profoundly spiritual one. From your comments, Anonymous, I’d bet you have a difficult time seeing that. I’m guessing that being gay is something of which you disapprove, that you feel my soul is in danger. Thomas Merton said, "To be born again is not to become somebody different, but to become ourselves." Yes, I know it is late, but I am seeking to become myself, to enter more deeply into the image of God in which I am made.

From most conservative Christians I hear a voice that says, "all you have to do is be like us." I have tried so much of my life to be someone else. One definition of craziness is to keep on doing the same thing, but always expecting a different result. It has been a long learning. Again, from Merton:

The first step toward finding God, Who is Truth, is to discover the truth about myself: and if I have been in error, this first step to truth is the discovery of my error.

I will end this series of responses with these words from Thomas Merton. I guess I'm on a Merton kick tonight. This prayer expresses profoundly my belief, my hope in God in whom I put my trust, and whom I seek to please above all:

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think that I am following your will

does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please
you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always
though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

Grace & Peace, Joe.