Never Flagging

Up and down and up and down. Things move on. Today is a good day. I am grateful. I have found some folk for whom I can house sit for the summer (actually, through November - they summer in New England). So, that really relieves some of the financial pressures of moving out.

Thanks for supportive comments about my PA. It is doing well. It is for me an important "ritual" action, claiming my own body, claiming my gayness. Even though I have my days still of wishing it would all go away, things do get better.

I was encouraged to find the illustration of a certain flag flying with the Episcopal Church flag. Ye Ha!

I can't believe it, but I did

A gentle reader urged me (kindly but firmly) to "get over it." Well, that's easier said than done, but his point was good. I think I tend to blog when I'm really down. But there are some "up" times, too. There are a lot of ways in which I amaze myself in that I'm able to keep going as well as I am. ADD can have its gifts. So easily distractable, whenever I am down, it's not long before I'm distracted and off in another world. So, the journey continues.

We ADD types can be subject to impulsive actions. I am sure that adds into my addiction stuff. But there is one thing I have wanted to do for a decade but haven't. So, with calm centeredness and deliberate intent, I did it this week. I got a piercing.

I'm surprised I didn't chicken out; amazed I did not flinch; in complete wonderment at my determination and calmness. And I cannot tell you how excited I am about it. Much research, reading, questioning has gone into this. I may live to regret it, but it can always be fixed. Unlike a tattoo (one day) this is not exactly permanent.

With what I do every day, with children at home, etc., I have thought is wise not to get a piercing that is easily seen. Even my nipples might well show to family, and they'd freak out! So, this had to be done discreetly and where it will be seen by few, but known by me.

Why on earth do such a think? Hard to explain, I suppose, beyond "I just wanted to." For me it does provide a way of making a statement, albeit a concealed one. But I know it's there!

And now, you well may think I'm nuts. It didn't hurt nearly so much as I feared. And, it's healing quickly. I got a PA. Can you believe that?

Alleluia

Happy, joyous, freeing Easter to one and all. Alleluia, He is Risen! The Lord is Risen Indeed! Alleluia!

Personally, I'm not feeling much sense of resurrection. Actually, I am in the very pit of depression. Today, I slept much of the day, just a sign as to how little energy I'm feeling. And yet, I know that I'll make it, this will pass, Christ is risen for us continually.

Here is a prayer from the Human Rights Campaign's website, "Out in Scripture"

Great Resurrecting God,
may we see in the real lives
of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender people
the truth of your resurrection power and possibility.
May we roll back every stone
that continues to entomb any part of your creation.
May we invite you to re-create each one of us
until resurrection and liberation prevail for all. Amen.

What's important? I am.

I'm back from our mission trip and had a great time. Sure, it was hard work, but that never hurts. To see some of the devastation that remains along the coast and to speak with those who survived it was quite a moving experience. It certainly gives perspectives to all the stuff we worry about every day. Is it really that important?

One thing happened that really stirred me up. One of the director-type persons who runs the program of which we were a part seemed to me obviously gay. Tall, thin, a little bit effeminate. Some stereotypical "gay traits." Of course, I could be wrong, I had little or no contact with him. And I do not mean to cast aspersions on any one. But this is the point: In a discussion of how the program was run, some other volunteers wanted to make suggestions on how it might run better. They said, "We could talk to XXXX (a woman director-type), but I don't think she would do anything." I suggested they talk to the other director-type, the (possibly) gay man. These very straight guys simply rolled their eyes and said, "Oh." It seemed obvious to me that they thought him of no consequence because he was queer.

Of course I could be wrong about all that, but the incident drove home to me how I may well be completely dismissed by many straights simply because I'm gay. Well, duh! I suppose I've known this in my head, but this hit me at a deeper level. The reality of the cost of coming out hit home, and it hit hard.

Oh my God. What am I in for? This and some other things have sent me into a real funk. It feels like I'm jumping into a black hole. I know this is largely about the real injustices of life, but now it is becoming personal. It's me who will be the recipient of this. No longer abstract, this is real. What am I in for?

And, the realities of separation from my wife is looming large. I'm scared. I know I will make it through, but the feelings are close to the surface.

With all of these feelings and my reflecting on "what's important," I have to say that this issue is important to me. I am important, I have much to offer, and I refused to be dismissed. What will be, will be. The losses will be mine, but the losses of those who may dismiss me will be even greater.

Cheers, Joe.

Working it In & Out

Today is our last full day at our work week on the Gulf Coast. It has been a good week. The work is sometimes frustrating -- you don't get to see a job all the way through. One sows, another reaps, one begins, and others will finish. But that's the nature of the work.

All the various and sundry folk we've met has provided a beautiful glimpse of the Body at work, an example of what it takes to get the job done. As in life, all the many parts, colors, textures, and threads are needed to come together for the whole.

But, I could use a really good bear hug right now, from a bear. Though I see the importance of the great diversity of folk in the world, right now, I've got a yearning to be with some more members of the Family. As I try to sort out what it is to be me (a gay man, a Christian, etc.) I am beginning to feel the burn of being seen as strange/different/unacceptable. More later.

Shalom & Cheers, Joe.

Camp Coast Care

This week, I'm at Camp Coast Care in Long Beach, Mississippi, with a small work team from church. Since this camp is an Episcopal - Lutheran cooperative venture, we're celebrating the end of the work day with beer and laughter. It's a great atmosphere, lots of friendly folk, and not-too-rugged conditions.

This week there are volunteers from Colorado, Illinois, Wisconsin, North Carolina, Vermont, and South Carolina. All sorts and conditions of folk.

Yesterday I learned about hanging drywall. One of the volunteers (who'd had years of experience with Habitat for Humanity) was an excellent teacher. I felt a real sense of accomplishment in the learning and the doing. Today was painting (there were enough volunteers at the drywall house) - a bit less fulfilling for me.

Tomorrow, it may be going back to the painting house to finish what was started, or off somewhere else. Where the need is, I'm willing to go. I wish I had some skill they were really dying for, but so far I'll have to settled for lending a hand wherever. And, I suppose I'm cool with that.

More later. Cheers, Joe.

On the Road for Relief - hurricane relief, that is.

This week, I am with a group from my parish at a work camp in Mississippi. Somewhere near Long Beach, we arrived tonight and will be working all week long. I'll try to stay in touch and posts as I can.

This is an uptown work camp. Housed in a gym, with cots, etc., they just got wireless access. Glad I brought my laptop!

Many thanks to all who've read and made comments. I think it will be good to be away from home. Some distance between my wife and me is not a bad thing for both of us, right now.

It's hot. I'm tired. I'm sooooo....... in the closet this week with a group from Church. Alas.

Cheers to all.

What's helped you?

In the midst of all the twelve step work, which seems to go slowly, I've been reading some about being gay and being Christian. I need some positive, affirming stuff to lift the burden of shame.

Shame for the acting out, the addiction, the pain I've caused through that is one thing. But no longer do I want to feel shame for being gay. Sure, I'm sad this didn't "all work out" years ago, but this is where we are. Life on Life's terms, not mine.

So, as I've mentioned, I've been reading Gifted by Otherness by Wm. Countryman and M.R. Ritley. Also, I read Soul Beneath the Skin, by David Nimmons.

In dealing with being gay and a sex addict, Cruise Control by Robert Weiss has helped sort through some things.

Any "affirmation books" -- you know, the little ones with daily readings? Something short and easy to digest.

When it comes to coming out and discovering what it means to be gay, I know it is more than just sex, for goodness sake. But when it comes to the sex part, I'm not interested in books. I am awaiting a time when I can experience some intensive on-the-job-training (LOL) So, I'll let y'all know when to keep your calendars open!

• For others out there, what's been helpful for you in accepting yourself as gay, and in working toward wholeness?

Telling Shame

This evening, in a counseling session with my wife, we talked more about how to tell our children that their parents are separating, and that their father is gay. We did not come up with a plan. It did not go well.

Details are unimportant here, but I left feeling a deep, very intense feeling of shame. I have ruined the lives of so many folk, now and in the future. I wish this would all go away.

I am way past wanting to "do myself in." This whole coming-out process has convinced me more than ever how much I want to live. But there are times (like now) I would like simply to disappear, leave the scene of the crime, vanish into never land. Just leave them all be. And leave me be, too.

And, of course, when one is living in addiction, all it takes is a little bit of shame to set things off. Oh, how I want to go and find some bear to @$*)$&%($)) with. But, that course of action only starts the cycle over, feeling more shame, spiraling downward. Maybe one day, I will be able to @$*)$&%($)). But not because I'm trying to drug the shame and make the feelings go away. Maybe when it's just me, these things won't be "so bad." But not today.

Perhaps some sense of shame will never go away. Perhaps life will just go from bad to worse to worser. But at least I have been a little honest with myself and a few others. I am gay.

I am so very sad that I didn't figure this all out a long time ago. Yes, sometimes, I wish it would go away, if only I knew how I could change into somebody else. But then, I wouldn't be me. And, even though "being me" right now doesn't seem so great, it's the only life I've got. And I want to live it. And I want the pain to ease.

I know there are some resources on-line for "telling your children." Any suggestions are welcome.

Today. Just for today. One day at a time.

Glaciers - Moving

I didn't realize how long it had been since my last post. Sorry about that.

Glaciers move slowly but inexorably. As they creep along, as the ice melts, crevasses form: those cracks that may be hidden from view but then slowly develop into chasms. And they are cold.

That's is what it feels like at home. Though my wife and I get along quite well, always have, I feel a slowly growing, cold rift beginning. I suppose it's only natural, all things considered. This summer is the time when we will separate. When both children are home from school and will have one another for some support, we will tell them. They will want to know why we hadn't let them in on it sooner, but there is no need to burden them with it now. One in college, one in high school, they don't need any more distractions than they already have.

Will we tell them everything? Exactly why Daddy is leaving? I think so, but that will be difficult, because they have to keep it quiet. The coming out can't happen out loud. It must be kept in check so as not to endanger my job.

Mixed feelings: excitement, dread, coming relief, approaching disaster, new community, utter isolation. Such is life.

Working with a 12 step group has been life-giving. The concept of "one day at a time" is coming into focus and into practice. Surrendering not just the addiction stuff, but many other areas of life is helping. I have always wanted God to "take it away." Now I think I understand that it is less about God taking something away as it is my handing it over. Subtle difference but with big effect.

But I am not just recovering, I am coming out, also. Two things that can seem conflictual. Part of me says "quite acting out" while the other keeps asking, "but what does it mean to be gay." Much to learn.

I've been reading Gifted by Otherness by Wm. Countryman and M.R. Ritley. Written by two Christian theologians (and Episcopalians), it is not a difficult read. It helps me find some framework, something to hang all this on, something to help me see I am not alone.

I must get back to work. Thanks to all who read, comment, and offer themselves through this blogosphere.

Shalom & Cheers, Joe.