Into Silence

OK, so, I'm in this strange kind of job, you know?  Really.  It's just different from what most people do.  Unexpected for a gay man, who's been divorced.  Just not what you'd think.

And, it can be a very draining profession.  Dealing with a many needs, on many levels, in many ways; and there is seldom a dull moment.  Long days; sometimes long nights; always weekends.  So, every now and then, one has to get away.  Way away (sort of).

Having no money, there are some resources upon which I may draw for away time that is work related.  No, it's not a convention in Las Vegas.  It's a retreat.  A real retreat; an old-fashioned retreat. 

Silence.

I'm leaving today for about 3 days of silence with a bunch of folk who live in community, and don't talk.  Meals, prayers, silence.  right now, it sounds like heaven to me!  I am really excited.

On the way, I'll stop over for a night with a friend.  That part of the trip won't be silent.  But there may be parts of it where I will be unable to talk.

A film maker did a documentary on a group of silent folk called Into Great Silence.  I recommend it.  I'll be with Trappists, though, not Carthusians, if you care to know!

I will be writing some but not sure if I'll have Internet connection.  Maybe I'll post something if so inclined.  No TV, no chatting, no noise.  Long walks, some books to read.  Silence.

I am so gonna love this.

Gleeful

I have to admit that I've never watched Glee.  Until Saturday night.  The Oxygen network was having a night of back-to-back episodes of Glee.

Some of it is really over the top, corny, just-too-much.  But as a gay man who loves music, dance, and theater, what can I say.  But, I was so impressed with the wonderful way it addressed being gay, being bullied, being accepted, being supported.  I know; it's television, not real life.

I've just seen part of three episodes.  And I cried. (Don't I always!)  Does it really happen that way?  No.  Television has little relationship to reality, even though we think it should (?) just because it looks like "reality." But maybe it shapes a few people.  Maybe it will make a difference.

In one episode, the bully is (finally) confronted by the gay kid. (I can't remember all the characters names).  The big, mean, football player bully is shocked at being confronted.  He's caught off guard.  His true colors emerge, but only for a second.  The big, beefy football player leans over and kisses the gay kid.  OMG.  It's not just the twinky femme guy, but maybe the beefy footballer, too?

Too simple, too TV? Maybe.  But when we see it as art, as theater, as story, maybe it can tell us something else.  Isn't that why we like plays, and art, and literature?  Stories can tell us the Truth in ways we would not otherwise get it.  As Picasso said, "Art is the lie that tells us the truth."  I hope someone will get some truth from it.

Up to my ears

The last few weeks have been as hectic as I can remember.  And, I'm not firing on all cylinders.  Winter blues and workplace blues have set in, and that's made the demands of the week even tougher.  But, I abide, and we move through it.

The last two weekends have been taken up with work stuff.  And, there have been some emotionally trying, draining moments.  One was losing a colleague whom I wish I'd gotten to know better.  Too late now.

It leads me to think on how I keep myself so distant from folk.  The walls are still there.  And, I'm not sure how to "be" around straight people - mainly straight men.  I've kept myself at a distance from most men, over the years, because I was afraid someone would figure me out.  And I hadn't quite figured me out yet.  Silly.

It will take time, practice, patience, etc.  Ugh.

Of course, I'd like to get to know more gay men, too.  Mr. Right, where are you?

Privacy and Reality: but The Bear Abides

For reasons various and sundry, I've had to change my profile.  The old one is gone (sort of) and there are new "contributors" on my blog.  Well, they are really just me.  I've moved my blog to a new . . . . . .something.

As I am out at work and need to be seen in the electronic community, I've had to do a few things to protect the privacy of my blog and such.  i don't want to stop blogging or delete my blog, or feel restrictive in what I can write.  So, if I've dissapeared as a 'follower' of you blog, know that i just might reappear later.

If this is confusing to you, it is more so for me.  The enduring electronic presence of me (or any of us) is a little scary.  Our words, images, statements, etc., have been captured electronically, and may remain in cyberspace forever and ever, and ever.

While I've done what I can to change some things, The Bear Abides.

This is a test

Really, it is. Don't worry. Just changing some things administrative.

Cheers.

Home again

My housemates are back from foreign travels.  It is good to have them home.  It's been lonely.

Snow is melting.  s l o w l y.  Life moves on.

Working in the non-profit sector has its interesting moments.  One odd thing is the 403b.  You may have a 401k,  but I have a 403b.  And they aren't the same.

For reasons to arcane and enigmatic, I cannot cash out my teeny tiny 403b that was going to pay my offspring's tuition this semester.  I am screwed.  Royally.

Somehow I will make it happen.  But today, I know not how.  Ugh.

On Christmas day (in the midst of a really big snow storm) my children, and their mom, and I went out to eat, as we've done every year for the past couple of decades.  Every Christmas.  Only two places have been so honored to host us on these occasions, one in the small town where we once lived, and the other where I (we all) now live.  Fancy.  Expensive.  Tradition!

The latter establishment has, in its expansive lobby, two huge fireplaces.  Really big.  The picture above tells it all.

Stay warm, friends.  Hope you've someone to stay warm with!  Cheers.

Again!

OK, I've had enough winter.  It is snowing again!  And it is bitter cold tonight.

Some snow-showers, some flurries, all right.  But this is a few more inches.  And not the kind I like!

Ugh.

And in other news . . . .

Well, there ain't much other news, this time.  Stay home, stay well, stay warm.

We Begin Again

Thomas Merton was a great spiritual writer of the 20th century.  Maybe the greatest, at least from a Christian perspective; but his work really crosses a lot of boundaries.  Many saw him as a great spiritual "guru" of a sort.  But  he never saw himself that way.  One of my favorite quotes from him is, "Surely, we are all beginners."

It is comforting, helpful, refreshing, and hopeful for me to hear such words from such a one as Thomas Merton!  There's hope for me yet!  I'm beginning so many things.  I'm beginning to discover "me."

Christmas Day Snowstorm 2010

Coming out, even to myself, at such a late age has given me the advantage of a more supportive environment.  The world has changed so much from my early days of rejecting the possibility that i might be gay.  No.  Not me.  Couldn't be.  And that's be 30+ years ago.  Denial.  Hiding.  I didn't even know what closet I was in.

Now. Now is so different.  And out feels so good.

And in other news . . . . 

My housemates (hosts, really) are gone till mid-January.  So if you want to come visit, there's room amongst the cats.  Not the prettiest time to visit my neck of the woods, but not so bad, either.  A foot of snow has melted already, and there is promise of some warmer temps and sun.  Has been a bit lonely around the house.  I've come to appreciate anew the gracious hospitality I'm offered with C & S.  It's nice to have some folk to come home to.

I've taken a few tests of late.  Tests that have raised my anxiety greatly!  Fear has been rampant.  But I took the bull by the proverbial horns and got it over with.  Thank you God!  The anxiety built up over the "grading process" was more than I'd admit to.  The major test was a quick one, resulting in nothing to write home about.  And that's a very good thing.  You get what i'm talking about (and email me if you don't).  A good way to start the new year.

After it all, I was really emotionally over wrought.  And I did something that is a bit difficult for me:  I called a friend and said, "I need some hugs."  And, God bless him, he was there for me.  Just hugs, and dinner, and talking.  Nothing more.  I didn't need advice or solutions, or sex - just a friend.  I'm learning to make friends.  Up close and in person.  Surely, we are all beginners.

And, I finally made an appointment to have my eyes checked.  It has been a while!  But insurance has changed so that I can afford it!  And my eyes are very healthy, but very different!  I mean the prescription on the lenses will be totally different.  I will be able to see well again!(No, I still won't be able to see straight).  It's really a minor thing in some ways, but it's been driving me batty!

We begin again.  We start over.  It's not back where we were, it's someplace new.  But we begin it again, nonetheless.

And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.

T.S. Eliot, Little Gidding, near the end of the poem.  It's one of Eliot's Four Quartets.

 

Mery Christmas

Merry Christmas to all;

and to all, a good night.

Alive and trudging

Had I made this post last week (or even earlier this week) it might have been a bit bleaker.  But things move, shift, awaken, recede.

Christmas is coming!  Ugh!  My children have been a help in keeping me a bit focused, doing the seasonal tasks that need doing.  It's the shopping that I hate.

I don't mean i detest doing any shopping qua shopping.  It's buying presents that will never be just right, good enough, etc.  And, it's spending money.  I am rather cheap frugal, like Mr. Scrooge, a good steward of my paltry resources.

But I'm getting buy by.

Meanwhile, here is a picture from a month or so back.  Turkeys in the yard at our house in the woods.