Tuesday, February 01, 2011

Up to my ears

The last few weeks have been as hectic as I can remember.  And, I'm not firing on all cylinders.  Winter blues and workplace blues have set in, and that's made the demands of the week even tougher.  But, I abide, and we move through it.

The last two weekends have been taken up with work stuff.  And, there have been some emotionally trying, draining moments.  One was losing a colleague whom I wish I'd gotten to know better.  Too late now.

It leads me to think on how I keep myself so distant from folk.  The walls are still there.  And, I'm not sure how to "be" around straight people - mainly straight men.  I've kept myself at a distance from most men, over the years, because I was afraid someone would figure me out.  And I hadn't quite figured me out yet.  Silly.

It will take time, practice, patience, etc.  Ugh.

Of course, I'd like to get to know more gay men, too.  Mr. Right, where are you?


Jeremiah Andrews said...

How do we just "BE" around the straights... You be who you are, kind compassionate, understanding, probably more than most because of who you are.

If you pass up an opportunity to be you in public, you risk missing important lessons you need in your "reintegration" process. You are the same man, just a little bit more refined.

We all grow up and we learn from each other, and if you stay in your shell, you will miss out.

You know the drill. Stay in your day and one day at a time. Make the most of your time, because you may not get a second chance.

Know I'm thinking about you.


Java said...

Emotionally draining moments suck, as I know from experience. I don't know your experiences, but I know mine suck.

Before I dig myself a deeper hole here, let me just say I'm thinking of you. Fondly, even.

Lemuel said...

I really don't like being around straight men. I had always been uncomfortable, perhaps for the reasons you note in your post (that they would "find out"). Since my own self discovery my aversion to such has been heightened.
In addition I am finding that I am also uncomfortable among many gay men.
All of which translates to not having many friends locally and not having much of a social life.

BentonQuest said...

Just being. I think that can be a difficult thing for anyone, but for us, it is even more difficult. I know that I grew up always questioning what I was thinking or feeling. And telling myself that what I was feeling was wrong. Now to have to have to trust those feelings is tough. And I am finding my feelings are correct! Just be kind to yourself. You are a very kind person, extend that to you!

((Bear Hug!))

Ice John's World said...

It might require you to take some more risks and put yourself out there so you can get more contacts to find Mr Right. Good luck!

Ur-spo said...

He's right there when you least expect him and were not looking and frankly it is not a 'good time'... then you stumble over him.

RG said...

Big Hugs from a frozen friend in New England!

Evan said...

I am a new reader, so I am not sure I have all of the info, but it appears that you haven't fully owned who you are. One of the things that I especially love about the bear movement is that we as men can accept ourselves, our bodies AS THEY ARE. From what I can see on the blog, you have a lot going for you.

I used to feel very separate from straight males, even my brother. However, the older I got the more I realized several things: 1. People already KNEW I was gay, regardless of my trying to be sly. 2. Because I wasn't opening up, they felt they had to tiptoe around the topic and because of it didn't ask those intensely personal questions you have to ask in order to know someone. 3. My life is much easier and happier if I let it all go and just be me. The emotional overhead of constantly editing myself was just too much to bear (no pun intended).

Sounds like you have accepted yourself in many ways - but you might be happier if you let rip the last shreds of fear and behaved exactly as 'you' would in all settings, even with guys who you only THINK might be put off by you- I bet that it ends up making your life easier. I am going to follow your blog, as I like your writing and hope to hear more interesting stuff.

Anonymous said...

It'll happen when you least expect it. Good luck.

Cubby said...

Practice, that's the key. Are there any bear social groups there that you could join? A lot of towns have them (except mine unfortunately). I did a quick internet search for you and didn't find any, but that doesn't mean much.

How should you act in front of straight men? Act like yourself. Don't deny who you are.

behrmark said...

I know, I'm late and I wish I had some advice for you. All I can give are cyber hugs and the reassurance that it will get better. HUGS