Out! - Why don't I feel better?

Today was the day.  It went well; very well.  Amazingly well.  I was surprized.  My "district manager" was surprized (really surprized).  So, why don't I feel better?

After all these years in hiding (partly, anyway), I know it will take some getting use to.  And, not all of our "customers" or constituents were there to hear about it.  And, a few who are struggling with this news didn't speak up.  there will be fallout.  I know that.  At least now it can be talked about.  I can talk about it.  We can all talk about it.

I've not tried to portray myself as any kind of saint, but I haven't confessed all my sins, either.  It's not appropriate and no one's business, yes.  But I don't want to mislead anyone.

There is a rejoicing and a gladness in the affirmation and support I received.  But there is not sense of victory or triumph.  Honestly, I'm kind of numb.  Standing in front of a hundred or so people and making a public statement that "I am a gay man," did take some courage, and a lot of energy.  But still . . . .

Maybe it will come later.  Maybe the sadness I feel for my ex-wife (who isn't getting all this affirmation and support) will lessen.  I miss sharing things with her.  And I am sad (and profoundly sorry) for the pain I have caused her (and still do).  I know she must find other means of support than me.  It can't be me.  I wish I could.

And I have come to see how very devastating this has been for our girls, too.  Yet, we have stuck together and working it through.  Oh, it will be better.  But now, this weight hasn't lifted, but changed.

Not coming out party yet.  But soon, I hope.

Step by step, grace

Grace continues to be showered upon me.  It is beyond what I might have imagined.  My entire board has expressed complete, total support.  Unwavering.  I thought surely there would be some who balked or had serious questions or reservations.  But no.

Caution:  there are two board members not there.  One I think will be supportive, the other, I ain't so sure.  But so far . . . . .

Many thanks to all for your support.  One sad, sad result of my being more publicly out, the blog may have to go.  Ironic, isn't it.  I'm still pondering that.  Maybe I'll appear anew.

Slowly, by steps, carefully. 

OMG: today was the day

I did it.  Still more to come, but I did it.

I came out to my board members today.  With the help and facilitation skills of some friends, I came out.

There were four who could not be there.  We'll clue them in later.  And carefully.

Of those there, each and everyone voiced loved, support, encouragement.  We don't care if your gay.

They said they will stand with me and coming out to our constituency.  They are willing!  And they don't want this to distract us from our core mission.  They want to move on but know there will be some reaction to deal with.

I cannot tell you how overjoyed, relieved, awed, and supported I feel right now.  Grace happens.

OMG: this is the week

It is going to happen.  Well, at least it looks that way (he said, with a note of doubt in his voice).  Yes.  Well I always want to hold out the possibility that somehow, it will all go away.  That I will wake up tomorrow as someone else, or in Neverland, or on another planet.

Dost thou note some anxiety in my voice?  Thou wouldst be right.  There is a lot of anxiety.  But it will happen.  In a modern day version of Caesar's "The die is cast,"  the email has been sent.

The email in question is setting up the "board meeting" for my non-profit group.  It's our annual "retreat" / planning day /  team building event.  It is this Saturday.  This week.  January 9th.  And I am going to come out to them.

Three folk who have been accompanying me on this journey will be there to facilitate, to help the board folk understand, to coordinate reflection and prayer on all of this.  To help us all have conversation and dialogue; to help us listen and speak; to hold my hand (as needed).  These three (two men, one woman) are well respected, well trained, and (as it happens) all straight.  That's a good thing in this context.

Because of the peculiarity of what I do and who I am (other than gay) makes all of this a very big deal.  I could lose my job (eventually - but not immediately.  The non-profit with whom I work is, well, peculiar, and the board can't just fire me.  It's all too complicated to explain).

If you are a praying kind of person, I ask you prayers for this meeting on Saturday, January 9, from 9 till 5. or so. Or, send good thoughts, energy, best wishes, large sums of cash, or whatever.

This sums it up for me, right now. 

    MY LORD GOD,
    I have no idea where I am going.
    I do not see the road ahead of me.
    I cannot know for certain where it will end.
    Nor do I really know myself,
           and the fact that I think I am following your will
           does not mean that I am actually doing so.
    But I believe that the desire to please you
           does in fact please you.
    And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
    I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
    And I know that if I do this
           you will lead me by the right road,
           though I may know nothing about it.
    Therefore I will trust you always
           though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
    I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
    and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

A prayer by Thomas Merton, from his book Thoughts in Solitude
© Abbey of Gethsemani

Cheers!

Happy New Year everyone! 

Blessings, cheers, new possibilities. 

Life.  Health. 

Good stuff to all.

Light

Our internet connection went crazy.  Hope the whole post makes it up this time.


I've got a busy evening ahead with two big shows to put on, at 5.30 and 10.30 pm.  It will be glorious and wonderful, maybe even for me.  Honestly, I'll be glad when it's done!  Oh, yeah, then there is another small time show for tomorrow, too.  But that will be for only a few folk.  And intimate production, very easy going.

My children and friends have helped me through this season.

This "being gay" thing can really get me down when I see how difficult it is for so many (like me) to come out, to live their lives, to be free of the shame.  Fearing the rejection of others, loss of job (maybe), etc.  But I want to reach for the joy, the centered-ness, the freedom.  And I shall get there.

There is a lot of darkness around.  Inward, outward.  But tonight we celebrate some light.  The Light.

God so loved . . . . and all that stuff.  And God so loves us all.  Even me.  One candle, one light, Lone Light.  As our eyes adjust, it lights the whole room.  The whole world.  My whole world.  me.

Merry Christmas to all.

Out of the Rugby Closet

I came across this story today (from Wayne Besen's site) about Rugby player Gareth Thomas coming out.  I don't look anything like Gareth Thomas (don't I wish!), but our stories are similar.  Maybe your story, too.

I can so relate to the pain, anguish, shame, the whole thing.  Can't most of us relate to it?  Especially those of us who did marry.  If only the brain-dead conservative could believe.

The dominant culture, the ones with the privilege, still hold to the expectation that everyone should be like them.  And even that everyone wants to be like them.  The danger of White Straight Male Privilege.

But we are different.  Gifted by Otherness.

I understand more and more the concept of gay Pride.  It is not about flaunting anything or saying "we're better" (we are, however, more fabulous).  It is about claiming, accepting, and living our lives in the face of such anger, hatred, and opposition.  In the face of the dominance of the White Straight Male culture.

And, our Pride should open our hearts to an understanding and acceptance, compassion and mercy.

Still, I wish I looked like Gareth Thomas.  But, maybe next year. . . . .

Snow going

Happy Days of Holiness to all!  Busy-ness prevails around here.  And, there is a prediction of snow, sleet, or worse for tonight.

We don't get that much snow, and it's always wet, heavy, slushy stuff that makes driving very difficult.  It's not the nice, powdery snow others get.  And, being in the mountains, it ain't flat here.  We aren't that accustomed to driving in it, there is limited road cleanup, and many roads have deep ditches on the sides.  If you slip and slide, it may be all over but the shouting. (as we say).

So, the grocery stores are mobbed with folk getting milk, bread, and other essentials.  (That reminds me to get to the ABC store).

I met with my regional executive person on Tuesday about the coming out stuff.  he is supportive, and I think he "get's it."  He's not sure that my constituency will get or whether I'll (ultimately) keep my job.  In this strange company, it's not up to him but the "customers."  He is concerned that I balance coming out needs with financial/family needs.  In other words:  if I lose my job, can I support the children and former wife.

Unless I find a rich sugar daddy (and soon) I can't.  So, timing issues are in the mix right now.

It is slow, but it moves.  Glacial, but maybe there is some warming.  I'm getting through this depressing (for me) season.  Slogging along, but grateful.

PS:  Yes, we got snow.  8 to 14 inches worth, depending on where in the mountains you live.  Our house: 14".  Brrrr.

Still Doing

Thanks to all for supportive comments and emails.  Much appreciated.  I am not irretrievably undone; I am still doing.  Moving.  Working.  Though it goes slowly.

I've come out to my staff, and now to a few, well-placed, trusted "customers."  So far, so good.  Next week is a meeting with the "district executive" to talk about what next.

Focusing on work in the midst of this season is tough enough.  With all this going on.  Ugh.  And now, money is running out.  Fast.  And I have yet to shop for anything.  I have no time or skill to make stuff.  So the panic is beginning to set in.

There are these old messages (oh no, the Voices! aaaaaaah!) that are hard to shut down.  Old memories of childhood and presents that weren't "good enough."  Wanting everything to be perfect, but a near-total inability to plan ahead or remember what needs doing when.

I want a spouse, but I probably need a handler.  Ugh.

In spite of everything, there has been some holiday fun.  Yes.  At my place of business, we tried a new thing this year that has been a huge success and great fun!  December 6th is St. Nicholas Day.  As the culminating event of my organizations sesquicentennial, we decided to have a big dinner.  The menu was simple and inexpensive, with volunteers doing the food.  Folk signed up to decorate tables for the celebration.

St. Nicholas himself showed up for the feast.  We told some stories about the legends of St. Nicholas, the patron saint of anonymous gifts. My, oh my, how the legend has changed.  (So sad that great legends were turned into shaming lessons to get kids to "behave.")

Anyway, it was a great feast!  Needless to say, my table was fabulous!

The Going gets tough

And indeed, the going is tough.  It's all breaking down:  all the assurances, the faith, the structure of things.  They all seem to be breaking down.  Coming apart.  I am undone.

But I ain't done.  Not yet.

I know that the way of faith is not the easy road many think.  Faith is not some commodity we have or can get or earn.  It's more of an openness, a receptive-ness. It is not a wall that encloses carefully laid sturctures but the opposite.  It is the door in the wall.  It is the space, the opening, the nothing (not the something).

Perhaps I am moving through the opening.  I am not without hope.  I believe that I am held.  I'm having trouble seeing how Way will open.  But I think it will. At least, I believe it will.