Monday, January 04, 2010
OMG: this is the week
It is going to happen. Well, at least it looks that way (he said, with a note of doubt in his voice). Yes. Well I always want to hold out the possibility that somehow, it will all go away. That I will wake up tomorrow as someone else, or in Neverland, or on another planet.
Dost thou note some anxiety in my voice? Thou wouldst be right. There is a lot of anxiety. But it will happen. In a modern day version of Caesar's "The die is cast," the email has been sent.
The email in question is setting up the "board meeting" for my non-profit group. It's our annual "retreat" / planning day / team building event. It is this Saturday. This week. January 9th. And I am going to come out to them.
Three folk who have been accompanying me on this journey will be there to facilitate, to help the board folk understand, to coordinate reflection and prayer on all of this. To help us all have conversation and dialogue; to help us listen and speak; to hold my hand (as needed). These three (two men, one woman) are well respected, well trained, and (as it happens) all straight. That's a good thing in this context.
Because of the peculiarity of what I do and who I am (other than gay) makes all of this a very big deal. I could lose my job (eventually - but not immediately. The non-profit with whom I work is, well, peculiar, and the board can't just fire me. It's all too complicated to explain).
If you are a praying kind of person, I ask you prayers for this meeting on Saturday, January 9, from 9 till 5. or so. Or, send good thoughts, energy, best wishes, large sums of cash, or whatever.
This sums it up for me, right now.
MY LORD GOD,
I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself,
and the fact that I think I am following your will
does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you
does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this
you will lead me by the right road,
though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore I will trust you always
though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
A prayer by Thomas Merton, from his book Thoughts in Solitude
© Abbey of Gethsemani
at 5:21 PM