Monday, January 04, 2010

OMG: this is the week

It is going to happen.  Well, at least it looks that way (he said, with a note of doubt in his voice).  Yes.  Well I always want to hold out the possibility that somehow, it will all go away.  That I will wake up tomorrow as someone else, or in Neverland, or on another planet.

Dost thou note some anxiety in my voice?  Thou wouldst be right.  There is a lot of anxiety.  But it will happen.  In a modern day version of Caesar's "The die is cast,"  the email has been sent.

The email in question is setting up the "board meeting" for my non-profit group.  It's our annual "retreat" / planning day /  team building event.  It is this Saturday.  This week.  January 9th.  And I am going to come out to them.

Three folk who have been accompanying me on this journey will be there to facilitate, to help the board folk understand, to coordinate reflection and prayer on all of this.  To help us all have conversation and dialogue; to help us listen and speak; to hold my hand (as needed).  These three (two men, one woman) are well respected, well trained, and (as it happens) all straight.  That's a good thing in this context.

Because of the peculiarity of what I do and who I am (other than gay) makes all of this a very big deal.  I could lose my job (eventually - but not immediately.  The non-profit with whom I work is, well, peculiar, and the board can't just fire me.  It's all too complicated to explain).

If you are a praying kind of person, I ask you prayers for this meeting on Saturday, January 9, from 9 till 5. or so. Or, send good thoughts, energy, best wishes, large sums of cash, or whatever.

This sums it up for me, right now. 

    I have no idea where I am going.
    I do not see the road ahead of me.
    I cannot know for certain where it will end.
    Nor do I really know myself,
           and the fact that I think I am following your will
           does not mean that I am actually doing so.
    But I believe that the desire to please you
           does in fact please you.
    And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
    I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
    And I know that if I do this
           you will lead me by the right road,
           though I may know nothing about it.
    Therefore I will trust you always
           though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
    I will not fear, for you are ever with me,
    and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

A prayer by Thomas Merton, from his book Thoughts in Solitude
© Abbey of Gethsemani


Java said...

Oh, Joe, I can only imagine the uncertainty. My thoughts and prayers are with you this week. God bless you.

Jim said...

Joe, I will be praying for you and sending good thoughts your way!

I hope you know yourself well enough that you will be able to handle whatever will happen! Don't worry yourself wondering what will or could happen, just find strength to deal with it!

Larry Ohio said...

I can't send you large sums of cash, but I can definitely be thinking of you on Saturday. Concentrating on you and your journey would be my pleasure.

jim said...

Good Luck, my friend. I will be praying for you too. Have faith that event will unfold exactly as they should, even if they are not what you expect.

I will be thinking of you this weekend.


Jeremiah Andrews said...

Oh the drama of it all...
OY VEY !!!

If they don't like you because of what you are, they forgot to remember who you are in the grand scheme of things. What you are is secondary to who you are.

This is all going to pan out. Just be yourself - I don't imagine that you are walking around with a HUGE sandwich board proclaiming that you are a "BIG FIERY QUEEN!"

You are a minister to the people and that is your calling, no matter what you are. I can't wait for this drama to come to an end and you can get on with the living of life and stop worrying about this shit.

It's debilitating to you and to me.

God will provide in any case. As long as you stick with the mission at hand. God doesn't care what you are as long as you show up ...

I will pray. For this to finally end and that God will release this situation from you and make you free. The sooner the better...


Birdie said...

Your prayer is the embodiment of faith; for who needs faith when one is sure?

I am smiling and in prayer for you, my friend.

Tobey said...


I will certainly be thinking and praying for you before and especially on Saturday. Sounds like you are prepared with people there in person to back and hold you up if necessary...just remember you have others behind you as well. Let us know how it goes.

Neil said...

You have my friendship, support and prayers, not only Saturday. Every day. I'll write more later. Big hugs.

wsxwhx611 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
BadgerBear said...

Good energy heading your way! Love :-)


Topper said...

You are in my prayers this entire week as you look toward Saturday. God directs our steps!

BentonQuest said...

Joe, you are in my prayers. You know I understand what you are going through. But I know that even though our situations are similar, they are not the same. Just know that you are a beloved child of God and that God is at work in this too.

manxxman said...

My prayers have been with you daily for a long long time now. This is just one more step in the path that will allow the real you to SHINE.

And oh how I anticipate you will shine.

Ur-spo said...

That is a very good and wise home.
Be not afraid.

David@Montreal said...

dear Joe
you and your board will be the focus of prayer and practice Saturday
i'll also ask for you to be covered in prayer my the extraordinary group of individuals who receive and act on my prayers calls.

I'd also second BQ's reminder 'Just know that you are a beloved child of God and that God is at work.

Lemuel said...

With every prayer that your experience at the retreat will be surprisingly affirming of you, your witness, and your life. May love and Grace prevail for you!!