Today was the day. It went well; very well. Amazingly well. I was surprized. My "district manager" was surprized (really surprized). So, why don't I feel better?
After all these years in hiding (partly, anyway), I know it will take some getting use to. And, not all of our "customers" or constituents were there to hear about it. And, a few who are struggling with this news didn't speak up. there will be fallout. I know that. At least now it can be talked about. I can talk about it. We can all talk about it.
I've not tried to portray myself as any kind of saint, but I haven't confessed all my sins, either. It's not appropriate and no one's business, yes. But I don't want to mislead anyone.
There is a rejoicing and a gladness in the affirmation and support I received. But there is not sense of victory or triumph. Honestly, I'm kind of numb. Standing in front of a hundred or so people and making a public statement that "I am a gay man," did take some courage, and a lot of energy. But still . . . .
Maybe it will come later. Maybe the sadness I feel for my ex-wife (who isn't getting all this affirmation and support) will lessen. I miss sharing things with her. And I am sad (and profoundly sorry) for the pain I have caused her (and still do). I know she must find other means of support than me. It can't be me. I wish I could.
And I have come to see how very devastating this has been for our girls, too. Yet, we have stuck together and working it through. Oh, it will be better. But now, this weight hasn't lifted, but changed.
Not coming out party yet. But soon, I hope.