Saturday, April 03, 2010

Waiting for something New

I'm not feeling it this year.  Like most years, most holidays, I'm just not quite there, yet.  
This is supposed to be about new life, New Life.  Jesus, raised from the dead, giving new life where there was death.  Not just the same old stuff, brought back, but something completely new.
I have much reason to feel this new life thing.  After all, I came out in my place of work and have been accepted with little (visible or audible) fallout.  It's worked!  But I'm still dragging a bit.  Still reaching for it.
I know, I Know, it will come.  Be patient.  Wait for it.  Hang in.  Hang on.  And I am.
Alleluia! Christ is risen.  The Lord is risen indeed. Alleluia.  This is the ancient cry of celebration from Christianity's earliest days (originally in Greek, of course).  And I'll make that cry tonight at the Easter Vigil service at my parish.  And tomorrow morning, too.
But I ain't feeling it yet.
Of course, Jesus' friends didn't know what to do about it either.  It was completely out of the realm of their existence, their belief, their knowledge.  This resurrection thing was completely unexpected.  Everything had gone down the drain; they lost; it was all over.
But not.
And it isn't over.  And I'm not done.  I'm waiting, hoping, expecting (even), something new.  New.  NEW.
It will come.
And I promise to post something more "fun", one of these days.


Java said...

I am not with it this year, either. I'm so upset with "Christians" that I don't currently go to church. I can't figure out if I am missing something that should be there, or if "nothing" is the reality.

Nevertheless, happy Easter. :)

behrmark said...

I suspect that as you celebrate tonight and tomorrow, the Spirit will fill you with a newfound sense of freedom, love, joy, and peace.

T said...

Keep praying, and God will listen to you. Don't give up. Wish you the best...

Ur-spo said...

you have had a great renewel - the paradox is most important stuff doesn't come in with kaboom and a bang. The events start subtle, alsmot a disappointment. Such are major turns.
Including spring and the growth of Self.

Michael Dodd said...

John 20:1-- "It was very early on the first day of the week and still dark when Mary of Magdala came to the tomb..."

The wonder is that the resurrection (Whatever That Was) had already happened, but to Mary, it was still dark. For you, too, the resurrection (Whatever That Is) has probably already happened, although it may still be dark to you.

Life is already finding its way. Let it be.

The word verification is clatic: like a closet in an attic, the part of our head that wants to keep us enclosed.

Lemuel said...

I hope you were able to be "real" about the Easter proclamation. By that I mean that you spoke it with the true emotion about it that you feel: the hope, the expectation, the yearning, the joy, and, yes, even the doubt - all bound up together. The faithful, like innocent children and teenagers, have the ability to pick up on "fakes".

Somewhat relatedly...

Quite frankly, I'm tired of pastors who "lead the cheer" on Easter Sunday ("Come on, folks, you can do better than that. Let's try it again. "Christ is risen...") and who egg on those who have come to worship as if they are at some kind of Super Bowl rally. It's fake and we know it. Say it. Proclaim it. And let the response be what it is.

There are many who are in worship who share the same kind of doubts or lack of "feeling it" as you describe in your post. After all, it is quite scriptural - Mary weeps, Peter is confused, Thomas doubts, Cleopas is depressed. Let us deal honestly, "faithfully" with those emotions even on such as high festival as Easter.

RG said...

You'll get your groove back soon enough.

Cubby said...

I'm not feeling it either. I'm a Catholic, in recovery, and it's not going well. (Recovery from Catholicism, not alcoholism, to be clear.) Modern organized religion has so twisted Christianity that in many ways it has become the very thing Jesus railed against, and I'm nearly brought to tears by it.

Anonymous said...

You have been inspiring to me. I have had many days when I "wasn't feeling it" and yet I have come to work, gone to church, visited my relatives, supported my friends, and generally put in the hours that makes the day seem long. It has previously been my nature to be joyous and happy, but lately, I'm just here. I want my old joy back.
Keep your sunny side up and I'll search for mine, too.
Brother Bear

Steven said...

I see a strong parallel between Easter and what you have recently gone through with your own "resurrection" and "new" life as an out gay man. I hope you're "feeling it" soon.

Dale said...

I don't think it's a gay thing or a hetro thing. My life is pretty evenly split between the two and most everyone I know is tired. Physically because they are working extra hours or a part time job to break even, emotionally from the world around us. I have stopped reading the paper and watching the news..and from an ex CNN junkie it was tough. Spiritually from all the bad stuff happening. The world needs a BIG time out desperately..and I don't see it coming anytime soon. Keep THE and your faith.