Wednesday, March 31, 2010

Catching Up

I am reading Michael Thomas Ford's book Full Circle.  A fan of his work, I am finding this the best yet.
The main character, Ned, reflects on his life, growing up gay in the 60's and onward.  Ford weaves a great tale.  Ned would be the age of my oldest brother, not much more than me.  
What would it be like, growing up gay, and knowing it?  I can't imagine.  Though I know I am not alone, sometimes I feel it.  I know a number of gay men around my age (I'm 54), but most came out when they were younger. Even those who, like me, had been married.  I feel like, "What do I know about this?"
I guess I haven't earned my "street cred."  I just haven't had much time to fully embrace all this, embrace me.  I know, it will come. 
As I seek to begin to think about the possibility of the idea of being in relationship, (beyond friends, beyond "playmates", into the deep stuff) I get scared.  But also, I don't know where to begin: with my heart, my mind, my spirit.  The body part I got figured out.   That I can do.
Knowing where to draw lines, where to cross them, what they encompass, what that restrict.  Is this a "date" or just having a meal?  Are we talking friendship, or open to more possibilities?  Making love? Or just playing around?
And, are we still friends?  just friends?  More than friends?
I am trusting this will work out.  I will learn.  I do trust.  But I ain't got lots of time to work all this out.  Not lots of time for hit and miss, learn-as-you-go, next times.


10 comments:

Ice John's World said...

It should not be that different between your new world and old world. When it comes to love, it is a feeling between 2 human beings and does not matter if they are men or women. The means might be different but the true heart should be the same.

Neil said...

Scared?...

Yes, this book is his best. I'm sucked in, absolutely.

behrmark said...

I wish there was a black and white answer but there isn't: it's all grey. I began exploring my sexuality nearly 30 years ago and I still have those questions. Is this a date? Or are we just hanging out? Is it just sex? Or is there emotion behind it? And yes...friends? Just friends? More than friends? In time, my friend, you'll recognize the nuances and hopefully not blunder too often. But if you do, I'll be there with a HUG for you.

Eric said...

If you haven't read "What We Remember", that is extremely good as well. I also liked "Jane Bites Back", which is far different than his other books.

My recommendation is that you skip "Changing Tides". It is a snooze of a book that read more like a marine biology textbook than a Michael Thomas Ford novel.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

Hey Bear,
That was a good read. One of the best. Certainly a must read.

Where do you go from here? Well, first, what are you prepared for?

Friendship, Sex, Dinner, Relationship??? Are we there yet? I don't think so. It's too soon. Since I have been along since the beginning, take a cold shower...

Check your motives.

Any meaningful relationship (be it sexual or not is forged in the furnace of true friendship). If I were you I would enjoy every minute I was in company of another, God knows you deserve a little caprice.

Only you know where your boundaries are. And what is acceptable and what is not. Sex is like a good drug. Get too much to soon and you become addicted. And we know from addiction don't we?

One day at a time, Listen to your heart, read: THE ALCHEMIST - Paulo Coelho. Listen to your inner voice and trust your gut.

Do not prematurely cross lines that aren't meant to be crossed too soon. You know where those lines are, you're a big boy.

If you don't work at it, you won't learn about it. Practice makes perfect. If you don't use your heart, it is just a thumping muscle.

Keep us posted.

hint: Always look for that neon sign that sits above everyone's head, learn what each sign says. When you learn how to do that, and you see the honest message flashing, you will know what to do next. Trust me...

Jeremy

Ur-spo said...

I have known people to "grow up" and do a lot of maturing quite quickly given circumstances. Although it is never easy or simple, I suspect you could do a lot of journeying in no time at all

Lemuel said...

Your last paragraph essentially describes my own predicament. I do not have time for the games, for the trial and error, that I have witnessed at many levels. Near the beginning of the last decade I was fortunate enough to have a relationship of about 4-5 years that was about as close to what I sought as I think I will ever have. I have come to be content with that. It went a bit farther than just finding out how to do the physical. :)
My wish for you is that you find the kind of relationship that you seek. You are free now to find it.

Cubby said...

"... I ain't got lots of time to work all this out." Sorry, I don't understand what you mean here. Do you think it takes twenty years of practice before you can fall in love?

I can only share my own experience. Greg and I went from strangers to falling in love in four months, then spent the next 17 years together. And we did this without the benefit of years of relationship practice. I don't think you should be worrying so much.

I'm willing to bet there are other single gay men in your age range who are sitting at home right now, within 10 miles of you, also yearning for a relationship. You just need to find each other. Make yourself known. They can't find you if they don't know you exist.

rjjs8878 said...

I agree with Eric regarding “Changing Tides”. I did enjoy “Full Circle” because I had similar circumstances in my life.

BadgerBear said...

Sweet man, there is no race to the finish. You JUST got divorced for real, you JUST came out to your "constituents" and staff. Life does not happen all in one second.

It unfolds like the gorgeous, amazing flower that it is. The bud needs time to form, time to grow into its fullness. To everything there is a season, my dearest friend. Sometimes it's just time for rain, and for waiting, and for growing. Enjoy the warmth of the sun, the beautiful earth between your toes, the lovely smell of damp Hemlock duff on a cool Spring morning.

What's happening NOW is the beautiful thing, my darling gentle giant. Embrace NOW, dear. The next now will come along in its own time at its own pace.

You are right where you are supposed to be, and you got here right on time, my dearest dear. The road you traveled was the perfect road, your detours and delays the perfect time-wasters to ensure that your arrival was both perfect and magnificent.

Behold! The birth of a wonderful awakened man! One comes awake in stages. Savor the unique fragrance of each one.

All is well
All is well,
and all manner of things are well.

The Lord hears your prayer, magnificent son of the sun. He hears. And he kisses your gracious, beautiful heart.

How beautiful are the feet of him who bringeth glad tidings! You, powerful, amazing lumberjack of spirituality, bring glad tidings by the truckload wherever you go.

How beautiful are your shapely, sturdy, most sexy feet.

Love you,
j