I am reading Michael Thomas Ford's book Full Circle. A fan of his work, I am finding this the best yet.
The main character, Ned, reflects on his life, growing up gay in the 60's and onward. Ford weaves a great tale. Ned would be the age of my oldest brother, not much more than me.
What would it be like, growing up gay, and knowing it? I can't imagine. Though I know I am not alone, sometimes I feel it. I know a number of gay men around my age (I'm 54), but most came out when they were younger. Even those who, like me, had been married. I feel like, "What do I know about this?"
I guess I haven't earned my "street cred." I just haven't had much time to fully embrace all this, embrace me. I know, it will come.
As I seek to begin to think about the possibility of the idea of being in relationship, (beyond friends, beyond "playmates", into the deep stuff) I get scared. But also, I don't know where to begin: with my heart, my mind, my spirit. The body part I got figured out. That I can do.
Knowing where to draw lines, where to cross them, what they encompass, what that restrict. Is this a "date" or just having a meal? Are we talking friendship, or open to more possibilities? Making love? Or just playing around?
And, are we still friends? just friends? More than friends?
I am trusting this will work out. I will learn. I do trust. But I ain't got lots of time to work all this out. Not lots of time for hit and miss, learn-as-you-go, next times.