Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Backwards and Forwards

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.  Soren Kierkegaard -Danish philosopher-theologian (that happy guy who gave existentialism, sort of)
I spent so many years in "a funk" that it has seemed the default mode for me.  But there is life beyond it.  And I'm coming to realize that in small ways.  Folks who've heard of my big coming out story often asked, "How's it all going.  How are you doing."  I stop and think.

I'm doing well.  I mean, I am really doing well.  At least today is a good day, so why not enjoy it.

For all my whining, I am doing well.  At lunch with a friend today, he asked about the anti-depressants. (He seemed to think that I was "heavily medicated."  Well, it wasn't that much).  But yes, for years I was on anti-depressants.  I've been off them now for five months.  And I'm doing well!

Medications are wonderful things, and I highly recommend them, when necessary.  While still in the closet, it was a good thing to help me manage and get through life, get the job done, still keep my head above water.

Coming out has freed a big chunk of my mind to focus on other things. (And my mind is kind of chunky).  I am so grateful.  Believe me, there is still lots of "stuff" to wade through, in to and out of, but I am managing.

I am re-training my mind-heart-soul-life to have a new default.  Not the funks.  In the midst of it all, I don't always see it.  Too easy it is to fall back into the old, default pattern of "funk."  But when I stop, look back, I understand.  It's just not that way any more.

Thought I'd let you in on all that.  I'm letting myself in on it, too.

9 comments:

Ultra Dave said...

Very good to hear!

Ice John's World said...

Good to know that you are doing well. Keep marching on! :)

behrmark said...

This post pleases me. Happy you're making such strong strides in your life.

BentonQuest said...

Some habits get so ingrained in our lives. It is good that you are able to back away and take a good look and a be truthful with yourself. Good for you!

Ur-spo said...

good for you
remember always that the good things from the past are a part of you.
the bad things can be left in the past, and are not worth going back to examine nor to carry along.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

"it's not that way anymore."

You are making progress. You are growing up gay. Isn't it amazing. All that drama better teach you something about life and yourself. Because if it didn't you made a mountain out of a molehill.

AS painful as growing up can be at our age, at least you have another opportunity to do it again, in a sense. Avoid the mistakes and misques.

It's all good. One day at a time.

Jeremy

Lemuel said...

I think that it is a marvelously positive comment to say that you have been off the medication.

manxxman said...

It's called "actually living" and it does feel good.

Birdie said...

I'm just commenting to let you know I'm reading and praying for you and thrilled for your continuing growth. I have nothing to say on how to come out as a gay man; you have so many friends here for that. But know that you have many more friends including me who wish you happiness, and we celebrate each petal as it unfurls.