Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Slouching towards Bethlehem

Reflecting on the season and my mood was the intent of this post. I had written the line about "Christmas is usually depressing for me," and such. Remembering that the last two Christmases had been "better," I wrote the following:

As I reflect on what made those two Christmases different, I note that they were after I came out to myself. After finally accepting me, some of the cloud lifted. But I didn't see new clouds ahead. Now they're here.

Then I remembered: I've been blogging for over two years now. OMG! What was I thinking the last two years? Let's check it out!

Christmas has always been a time when I could never please anybody enough... It was never, ever enough. Are you getting depressed right now? Well, you should be. Because if you aren’t then I’ll have to be depressed all by myself, and , , , ,

Enough. This year has already started out differently. It is going to be a good year. I figure that nobody may like my decorating ideas, but I don’t give a shit. I am going to take some initiative and get some decorating done today!I figure I can let some gayness out. I know it’s good for this type of thing. I’m going to let it rip.

If only with myself (and you, my extended, electronic “family,”), coming out has given me a sense of peace about some things. I’m still f---ing scared as sh-- (I always cuss when I get anxious), but I’m going to let some of that queer eye come out, some of the gayness that leads me to love decorating things and celebrating.

Well, well, well. It's so inconvenient, yet refreshing, that I re-think what I already thunk before. No wonder that I'm a slow learner.

And from the next year:

Thursday, December 21, 2006

Holy Week at Christmas
Even though it's beginning to look a lot like Christmas, I'm feeling more like Holy Week. This is
my last Christmas with my family. . . . . .

I am mourning the loss of my family and things the way they "have been." And yet, I do not fear the future as much as I might. Yes, there is fear there. There will be a lot of unknowns. But there is hope.

It is like living through Holy Week: the week before Easter Day. The week that leads up to Good Friday and being placed in the tomb. People think that Holy Week ends with Easter and resurrection. Actually, Holy Week simply ends with death and the tomb.

Yes, we "know" Easter will come. We believe that resurrection will happen. But first we must make last journeys, east last meals, and then die.Life as I have known it, the closet as I have furnished it is dying. While there is rejoicing in leaving the closet, there is fear of the unknown to come, and sadness of leaving the Known behind.

Mixed feelings. Sadness and Hope. Endings that await a new beginning.

So, I talked about how coming out helped me get with the season, and eased my depression. A year later, I looked ahead to the and loneliness of this year. Yet, I'd forgotten those things. Mourning the loss of the old, looking to form anew a troublous season.

And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards
Bethlehem to be born

Wm. Butler Yeats


BentonQuest said...

I find Christmas to be a good barometer for how things are going. We have so much baggage attached to the day, how we deal with it is a pretty good tool for measuring mental health. Glad to see the growth!

Ur-spo said...

two years at blogging! i hope there are many more for you, and that each christmas time from now on shows better things for you.

publius100 said...

This is a season of celebration of the birth of our redemption, of our ability to be remade. You're remaking yourself, and still able to carry out God's will.

It is also a season laden with family and personal emotion. THAT is what you are working through, the history of how you and yours over several generations have come to interact and celebrate a religious holiday.

You sound down. You shouldn't be. Christmas is not about hetersexual family behavior; it is about the chance to metamorphose for the better. See the analogy?

Your friend.

Anonymous said...

Hey Geoff. My own feelings about Christmas are much like yours. I've been told off about being negative and 'tragic', but I don't mean to be. It's just the lingering stuff. I hope your Christmas this year is peaceful and contains some decoration and fun for you. I've enjoyed your blog over its seasons and moods. The way you reflect our own thoughts and struggles with such honesty and openness and lack of concern at letting it out. Blessings to you. Louis.

BentonQuest said...

Merry Christmas, Joe