Thursday, December 27, 2007

Difficult wonder

Christmas Day was "just fine." I went over to the big house, opened presents with my children and their mother (still my wife), then went out to a big Christmas buffet at a local hotel - a family tradition. It was all fine, really.

In the midst of it all, I was hit by a huge wave of that feeling that I've "made the worst mistake of my life, leaving this family." It happened at an odd time. My wife was commenting on the very fine wrapping job one of our daughters had done. "Your grandmother would be really proud of you." (My mother could be really creative with her present wrapping).

All of a sudden, I was overcome with emotion. Why am I doing this? What would my mother say? How can this be happening? I had to leave the room, using the excuse of getting some more coffee. It took me a minute to get myself together.

The dinner was wonderful. We shared stories about our crazy family (mainly my crazy family). We laughed. We ate (and ate). It was fine, really. Why am I doing this? What am I doing?

The feeling passed, though not right away. I know why am doing this and it is the right thing. But at this moment, all its difficulties and sadnesses are in my face.

We begin again. And again.


Lemuel said...

I think you will have many more moments of such reflection. They may cause you to doubt for a bit as you reconsider, but I think that as you reflect, your reflection will bring you closer and closer to a doubt-less affirmation that you chose rightly.

May your new year be blessed with such affirmation.

Lucas said...

Well I KNOW the feelings...and coming from the same place only 7 years does truly get easier. But that doesn't make it any easier now. I blogged for 3 years of my experience and then my X-wife found it and all hell broke loose. I deleted that one and started another one at the same location and she had issues with it and when we went to court for some custody of the things i agreed to was to no longer blog. So I went undercover and that is the blog you found.

But being incognito is not as much fun and i have to be guarded on what i say and how i say it so as not to get discovered or I could wind up in contempt of court.

That said, I'd love to talk more...