Backwards and Forwards

Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.  Soren Kierkegaard -Danish philosopher-theologian (that happy guy who gave existentialism, sort of)

I spent so many years in "a funk" that it has seemed the default mode for me.  But there is life beyond it.  And I'm coming to realize that in small ways.  Folks who've heard of my big coming out story often asked, "How's it all going.  How are you doing."  I stop and think.

I'm doing well.  I mean, I am really doing well.  At least today is a good day, so why not enjoy it.

For all my whining, I am doing well.  At lunch with a friend today, he asked about the anti-depressants. (He seemed to think that I was "heavily medicated."  Well, it wasn't that much).  But yes, for years I was on anti-depressants.  I've been off them now for five months.  And I'm doing well!

Medications are wonderful things, and I highly recommend them, when necessary.  While still in the closet, it was a good thing to help me manage and get through life, get the job done, still keep my head above water.

Coming out has freed a big chunk of my mind to focus on other things. (And my mind is kind of chunky).  I am so grateful.  Believe me, there is still lots of "stuff" to wade through, in to and out of, but I am managing.

I am re-training my mind-heart-soul-life to have a new default.  Not the funks.  In the midst of it all, I don't always see it.  Too easy it is to fall back into the old, default pattern of "funk."  But when I stop, look back, I understand.  It's just not that way any more.

Thought I'd let you in on all that.  I'm letting myself in on it, too.

Day Off, new day, different day

Today was a day off for me, and I took it.  Not always easy for me to do.  It's not that I work so hard (I really don't think I do) but my line of work involves a lot of "emotional labor."  It can really weigh you down, drain you, suck the life out of you.  Well, out of me, anyway.

So, some walks.  There is a very large home, complete with very large gardens, in our small city.  It's a really big house, and they invite tourists, for a small fee.  So, I renewed my yearly pass (a dent in my budget) and went for part pf the day.  Nice.

Lots of tourists, couples, etc. One couple looked as if they just might be family.  And they were.  I offered to take a picture of them together. They had just gotten married (in DC) and were on their honeymoon!  After 28 years together, they were finally able to tie the knot in their city.  It was really sweet!

They discovered some connections I have to the District of Columbia, and my "company."  We played "do you know" and sure enough, they knew a few folk in my company in that area!  Small world!

I'm still pondering my Tuesday evening experience, over-analyzing it, over-worrying.  I'll get over it.  But I hope I don't have to wait too long for another date.  With him.  Or anyone.  I'm available, you know.

Dated

Well, it was a date.  Nice.  I have much to think about.  How I acted.  How he acted.  How I responded.  There are occasions when things take a course quite different from what we, in our best selves, planned, wanted, desired.

I did not go on this date with deep expectations, but I admit to some (unrealistic) hopes.  I understood that they were exactly that.  I was OK.

But those occasions when our less-than-best-self gets in the way - or I allow it to.  What is this telling me about me, about my judgment, my wants.

Needless to say, I'm a bit disappointed.   In him?  In me?  In both?  But it was nice. 

I guess.

Amazon jungle, and more river

I was asked about amazon.  Yes, my daughter got the book.  Two of them in fact.  Order 2 and 3 arrived.  Wondering if order 1 will be lost forever. 

And, here's another picture of our river, at a calmer spot. 

It seems I may have a real, actual "date" for tomorrow.  Some lesbian friends are setting me up with someone they think I'll like, he will like, etc.  God, I'm nervous.

a River runs through it.

The mountains are beautiful with spring doing its thing.  Within our community (as in right down the middle, so to speak) runs a river.  Gracious, wide, rocky, rapids, and full-flowing right now.  last summer, the water got low.

I was out by the river this week, taking time to be.  Some kayaking / rafting folk were out practicing.  Here are some shots.  And some others, for run.

And, appearing for a short time only, me. 

Uh oh.  I've disappeared.

Update

So, Amazon sent the book, but it was to have no charge for the shipping.  SO, they charged me full price plus shipping.  Then they charged again, full price no shipping.  They charged me twice.  For the third book.  Let alone the other two.

The book (apparently) did arrive at the school on Saturday, as promised.  The package pick-up facility is opened from 8 a till 2 p on Saturdays.  Except for this past Saturday, when they did not bother to open.  No explanation.

We will see today if it indeed did arrive.

I am going to go ballistic.

Amazon Hell

Well, it's not so uplifting, but it ain't the usually stuff.

Today was spent in Hell, with amazon.com.  Oh, and FedEx, too. Plus, i talked with the Post office, but they couldn't help.

College child # 2 needs book - desperately - for a course.  Not available in stores.  So, Amazon.  Ordered a used copy from one of their suppliers (an independent, used book dealer.  ships from their shop).

But HOW does it ship?  Postal service address for college child is a college PO Box.  FedEx does not deliver to PO Boxes.  But I didn't know it was going FedEx.  So, I gave the PO Box.

Book does not arrive.

Easter Day.  No Book.  Order a second used one.  From amazon.com.  Ask for expedited shipping.  That will be UPS or FedEx, right?  So, give the college package address (completely different, different format, etc).

They shipped it Postal service.  But the PO doesn't deliver to that address.

Today:  call, email, call, email.

 two hours on the phone.

After two calls to FedEx, I finally discovered that I made a strategic, major, inordinately large blunder.  i put the wrong zip code.

Still.

I emailed my apologies to the book supplier for whom i gave the wrong zip code (and whom had received two other "less-than-pleasant" previous emails from me) asking their forgiveness and offering to pay any additional charges to get this book out of a post office back room in the wrong town with the wrong zip code.

If the third order (from amazon.com, directly, not one of their used-book suppliers) does not arrive by Saturday before 2 pm, I will be in danger of upsetting the Dept. of Homeland Security.

Waiting for something New

I'm not feeling it this year.  Like most years, most holidays, I'm just not quite there, yet.  

This is supposed to be about new life, New Life.  Jesus, raised from the dead, giving new life where there was death.  Not just the same old stuff, brought back, but something completely new.

I have much reason to feel this new life thing.  After all, I came out in my place of work and have been accepted with little (visible or audible) fallout.  It's worked!  But I'm still dragging a bit.  Still reaching for it.
I know, I Know, it will come.  Be patient.  Wait for it.  Hang in.  Hang on.  And I am.

Alleluia! Christ is risen.  The Lord is risen indeed. Alleluia.  This is the ancient cry of celebration from Christianity's earliest days (originally in Greek, of course).  And I'll make that cry tonight at the Easter Vigil service at my parish.  And tomorrow morning, too.

But I ain't feeling it yet.
Of course, Jesus' friends didn't know what to do about it either.  It was completely out of the realm of their existence, their belief, their knowledge.  This resurrection thing was completely unexpected.  Everything had gone down the drain; they lost; it was all over.

But not.
And it isn't over.  And I'm not done.  I'm waiting, hoping, expecting (even), something new.  New.  NEW.

It will come.

And I promise to post something more "fun", one of these days.