Tuesday, March 03, 2009

Sad, but true

Now the date is for next week, for my divorce to be finalized. We have to show up in court, sign some papers, and it will be done, barring another snow day.

I'm the one who left, who wanted the divorce. And I still do want it. It is right and proper. But I am nonetheless, sad.

It marks the ending of 22 years of marriage, from a legal standpoint. Though the "marriage" was over a few years before. I wanted to end it. I'm getting what I "wanted." Yet, I am sad.

I battle sometimes between regret and gratitude. Regret that I didn't figure out who I am (and what I am) much earlier in life. As I look back on my life, I wonder how I didn't figure it out, come to terms with it, have a name for it. But I didn't. Call me pathetically dense, but there it is.

All the moves I made were to ensure that I would be "straight." Surely, I had to be straight. That's what I wanted. That's what I played at for all those years. Except when I didn't. But that was only sex, not understanding. It amounted to mutual masturbation with other men. Denial was strong. I shoved those thoughts/feelings/experiences so far back in the closet that I hoped they would just disappear.

It was sick stuff. All of that I regret.

And then there is the gratitude for all the years my wife and I had together that were good. She will never understand the awful battling that was going on inside me. But still we had some very good years. I loved her. And still do, though I know differently now. As I've said. It's not about my knowing how to love, it's about knowing how to be loved. Never got there. Maybe I will now. I wish all of me could love her the way so much of me does.

And, we have two wonderful, exceptional, beautiful, loving children. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Not for all the pain.

If I'd come out in the early '80's, I'd probably be dead now. That's something to think about.

There is grace in it all, and I know I am finding some. But still, the pain I have caused others weighs heavily on me.

And, I'm just sad. Not because I think "it's all my fault." Not because I regret it all. Not because I would want to stop the divorce. Just because. It is, if you will, like a death. There is mourning to be done, even if it is a healing death. Even when there is relief in a death, there is still grief.

I will survive it and triumph. Not triumph "over" anyone, but over my fears, my pain, my sadness, and my regrets.

16 comments:

Ultra Dave said...

Having expressed it, you are well on the way to getting over and moving on. Everything has a reason and a time. Yours is now.

A Troll At Sea said...

BT:

go with God.
T@C

Birdie said...

Of all that has happened in my life, my only real regrets are those times I hurt someone else. We cannot undo those moments, so we can only ask forgiveness and struggle to bring grace to the world here on out.

This moment of ending and beginning is full of conflict, but as you move through it all you can call on God and act to His glory. You are in my prayers.

Ur-spo said...

those all sound like usual 'normal' emotions at a divorce.
But it is a begining of sorts. Most cases I know of gay men divorcing eventually turn out OK - they form new relationships with the ex, and sometimes these are stronger than ever.
Good luck on the beginning - btw, all major new begininings are painful and with loss - may it be something marvelous.

Lemuel said...

There is so much of my own truth in what you post that I could have written almost all of it. How much of our life path has been so similar, yet you have chosen to break free.

You will survive. God bless.

BentonQuest said...

Thanks for the courage to share. Although I can't identify with all of your story, parts parallel my own. Your courage gives me strength.

RG said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RG said...

You will survive and become the person you're supposed to be.

Tobey said...

You will get past this. I have been there. But you are right to grieve this as well. You known you have done the right thing. Praying for your encouragement.

Anonymous said...

Urspo is right. And your connection with your wife will never be broken because the two of you have the strongest connection of all---your girls. You two did something very right with them. Bob.

Sooo-this-is-me said...

I always respect the fact that your path was much harder than mine. Even though I never married, I understand your 'loss' and what you mean by it. Hugs!

manxxman said...

I have been partnered now for over 3 years......3 wonderful years. I'm still married and we plan on getting our divorce this summer. For my soon to be ex and I it's been a process of untangling needs and emotions. Fortunately we are still very close and share lots of commons things but I know when we finally sign the final decree that it's going to be difficult.

Like I said I'm very fortunate that I have someone like Geoff to lean on.

It may not be the same, but you have all of us faithful followers to lean on.......you're a wonderful man......

Father Tony of the Farmboyz said...

Well said.

Tomorrow, I'm having lunch with a middle-aged man who is on active duty in the military. Wounded. A colonel. Married. Three kids. Divorced. Preacher's son. Not yet entirely "out". I bet he's got a few regrets.

We each have our own twisty routes to where we should be.

Topper said...

I relate to everything you said about trying to be straight. burying it. Grief is a process like so much of life. Let the process work press on in Christ Jesus.

Steven said...

A very powerful and moving post. I was happy to see the light shine on the positive aspects of what you created and believed.

Mike said...

Just remember...It's not who you love, or how you love, only that you love.
Why is it that humans have to put themselves in such small boxes. Why isn't it ok to have had a wife, and now seek a husband? My husband had a wife, and I had a wife too. He has adult children who have lived with us, and his former wife has stayed with us as well. We're all interconnected, and have the most beautiful lives because we all chant this daily: It's not who you love, or how you love, only that you love. Give it a try.
Mike D in Michigan