Friends

As I said in my last post, I'm only beginning to think about commencing in getting started with thinking about the possibilities of dating, or something. Not desperate. Yet. And there is a very important sustaining element in my life, and that is friends.

I have been very blessed with some great friends. Most of them are partnered (and happily so), but they have invited me to go bowling, over for dinner, out for a movie, etc. I have not really suffered from lack of contact with some well-settled, (more or less) normal gay folk.

Also, there is a monthly gathering of gay men exploring their spiritual sides. I am a (more or less) orthodox Christian (except when I'm not) but very open to the spiritual explorations of others. This has been a great group to be a part of.

Blog friends (hey there, y'all) have been supportive and helpful through comments and in corresponding (I'm always happy to hear from folk). This sustaining group of people has brought some real joy and challenge and delight into my life.

Thank you, one and all.

Spring

Yes, it is here. How I'd love to go and find some bear with whom to perform the Rites of Spring. Not sure what all those rites are, but I'll bet we could improvise!

My back is SOOOO much better, but still a bit sore. Maybe I'll wait a week or so before bear hunting. Mmmmm.

With the divorce done, it has crossed my mind to think about the possibility of beginning to think about getting started with the idea of dating. I haven't really done much of that in my whole life, let alone with men. Or maybe I have and didn't even know it!
I live in a relatively small city. Too many circles that interconnect. If I'm outed at work, it could be curtains. But then again, maybe more folk have "figured it out," and as long as I don't say anything, I'd be OK? Hmmmm, too risky.

How to get started? Where to look? What to look for?

ME:

• 6'2"
• 250 lbs
• 53 yrs. old
• Beard, hairy, buzzed head
• big feet, big hands, big heart
• easy going (Really), and just plain easy
• honest (Really), seeks to live with intergrity
• spiritual? - I'm seeking. Orthodox, and yet not.
• great sense of humor, but sometimes a little boring
• extroverted, but shy. Except when I'm just over-the-top
• don't even ask what I do for a living, it's too weird in this context, and you might not believe it anyway.

I don't know what to say. I can't sum myself up in a few words. Such a muddle I'm in. Any suggestions?

Pain in the Back

The is always connection between spiritual and physical, body and soul, mental and physical. And the weight of the past week got a bit too heavy, I suppose.

On one of the most important days in my career, when the supreme high poo bah of my organization comes for a visit, and my back goes out. Shining my shoes, I leaned down, and crunch. I roll onto the floor in pain. Excruciating pain.

With out belaboring you with details, i got help and drugs to make it through this very big, very important meeting. I mean, it was like the Queen was coming for a visit. Big stuff.

She was wonderful and gracious, very impressive, did a great presentation for my folks; everyone oohed and aahed, and it went smashingly! Many thanks to Dr. S., an osteopathic physician who really does family practice, but knows enough bone manipulation to crack my back. And, he brought me a little bit of prednisone and muscle relaxers to get me though it all.

Now, it's just time, and ice, and heat, and waiting. But divorce, once-in-a-lifetime gathering with the Pooh Bah, and now it's done. Rest.

Hey, as long as I don't move, it doesn't hurt much.

'Tis Over

My divorce was finalized this morning. Arrived at the courthouse at 8.45, out by 9.30. 'Tis done. May 31st would have made 23 years. That's a long time.

To G. (my ex-wife): Thank you for two wonderful, beautiful children. And thank you for many wonderful years. Thank you for being as understanding as you have. Yes, you've a right to be angry. This is not what you signed on for. Neither did I. But here we are.

Even with all those tough years of me in such a depressed, withdrawn funk, it wasn't so bad. And, it's not your fault.

I wish for you to find the most wonderful, caring, loving husband who can love you in all the ways in which I failed. And I wish the same for me: a husband who will love me in the midst of all the ways I've failed.

No one can "fix" another. No one can "make" another be happy. Happiness (such a shallow sounding word) is something we must find, and choose, on our own, for ourselves. It is too much to think another can be responsible for my happiness. But I can do that myself.

Here's hoping, and praying, that I will.

Sad, but true

Now the date is for next week, for my divorce to be finalized. We have to show up in court, sign some papers, and it will be done, barring another snow day.

I'm the one who left, who wanted the divorce. And I still do want it. It is right and proper. But I am nonetheless, sad.

It marks the ending of 22 years of marriage, from a legal standpoint. Though the "marriage" was over a few years before. I wanted to end it. I'm getting what I "wanted." Yet, I am sad.

I battle sometimes between regret and gratitude. Regret that I didn't figure out who I am (and what I am) much earlier in life. As I look back on my life, I wonder how I didn't figure it out, come to terms with it, have a name for it. But I didn't. Call me pathetically dense, but there it is.

All the moves I made were to ensure that I would be "straight." Surely, I had to be straight. That's what I wanted. That's what I played at for all those years. Except when I didn't. But that was only sex, not understanding. It amounted to mutual masturbation with other men. Denial was strong. I shoved those thoughts/feelings/experiences so far back in the closet that I hoped they would just disappear.

It was sick stuff. All of that I regret.

And then there is the gratitude for all the years my wife and I had together that were good. She will never understand the awful battling that was going on inside me. But still we had some very good years. I loved her. And still do, though I know differently now. As I've said. It's not about my knowing how to love, it's about knowing how to be loved. Never got there. Maybe I will now. I wish all of me could love her the way so much of me does.

And, we have two wonderful, exceptional, beautiful, loving children. I wouldn't trade them for anything. Not for all the pain.

If I'd come out in the early '80's, I'd probably be dead now. That's something to think about.

There is grace in it all, and I know I am finding some. But still, the pain I have caused others weighs heavily on me.

And, I'm just sad. Not because I think "it's all my fault." Not because I regret it all. Not because I would want to stop the divorce. Just because. It is, if you will, like a death. There is mourning to be done, even if it is a healing death. Even when there is relief in a death, there is still grief.

I will survive it and triumph. Not triumph "over" anyone, but over my fears, my pain, my sadness, and my regrets.

Snow Court Today

In the Southern Appalachians, we do get some snow, but not as much as we used to (and that's the truth). Yesterday was the exception: nearly six inches fell in the afternoon and early evening. We don't have the street cleaning equipment of some places, and it is decidedly not flat around here. With gravity, physics, and such, roads are dangerous. Today, things are pretty much shut down.

While I don't mind a day off, there were big plans for today: in court.

Today was to be the day my divorce became final. Now, it will be another week. We could have gone to the courthouse (which opened late today) and then waited to see if enough judges showed up to and could work us into the schedule. (Monday, you see, is divorce day). There is also the issue of if I (or the X2B) could even get to the courthouse.

Today, there is snow to enjoy, and some time to myself. That's a good thing.

So no court today.