Difficult

The past few months have brought forth in me some serious re-appraisals of life, the universe, and everything.  Some big shifts are beginning.  And this is a good thing.

One serious endeavor that I've undertaken is to stop drinking.  This has proved to be more than I can handle by shear willpower alone.  And I've sought help and found it.  This is a good and positive thing.  Not what I expected, not where I'd "planned" to be.  Does anyone?

And it has been going well . . . . .
And then, in the way that families seem to work, the spirits move, things shift and other things seem to want to drag you back where you were, doing what you were doing.  In Family Systems Theory, if one member of the system seeks to make changes, the other parts of the system will attempt to pull that one back into the established homeostasis.

It is not conscious, it just happens.  Nobody is thinking, "how dare you change."  The funny thing is, none of them even know about the changes I've been making.  It is the spirits, the humors, the angels, or demons.  Who knows which.

So, my 90 yr. old dad becomes ill and is admitted to the hospital.  And gets worse.  Now, in a critical care unit.  While dementia has not been one of his health problems, he is suffering from some "ICU psychosis;" not so unusual for elderly folk.  But it is maddening for me.  He wants to leave, but he is not begging.  He is demanding.  He has always been a demanding sort.  Not always a nice guy, really.

Damn, this is pushing my buttons.  Remaining calm, cool, and non-anxious is difficult.  And, Oh would I like a drink.  Several, actually.  But that will only make things worse.  That I know.  I'm hanging in.

It's going to be a long night.