All

Today is a good day.  They aren't all, but today is.  DG.

I've said it before, and it is difficult to explain or expound upon, but it is so true . . .
Coming Out is the most intense spiritual journey of my life.  All of it.  I could never have imagined.  Still can't.  It is still unfolding, as it always will be.

The Holy One of Being does not demand all.  Except when the Holy One does.  For me, it seems necessary.  To give all.  As my spiritual director said, we must hand all over - in thanksgiving.  The Holy One blesses all; and returns to us that which we need.

I know that I must.  Well, it isn't that I must. It's just that I must.

It is all about 'Letting Go'.

"It is only to empty hands that all may be given."  You must lose your life, to find it.  You must give, to receive. You must die, to live.  Shit.  This I do not like.  Not one bit.  I am screaming and crying and squirming - big time.

And I am laughing, too.  At myself.  I know that it's true.  I know that I must.  I hope that I will.  And there is that part of me that wants to.  Really.

I suppose there is good reason the 12 Steps have always appealed to me - there is such deep spirituality there.

I know.  This seems a bit random.  'Spose it is.  But it is what it is.

On this night of the Third Day of Christmas, as we move toward the Turning of the Year, may there be grace and peace to you and your house.

Cheers.

Oh, I'm on facebook now, too.  Email me if you're interested.

Solstice

I'm waiting for the light.

This season of the year is quite tough for me.  And, things are looking up.
The religious celebrations of a Christian sort help me make it through, though I know many gay brothers and sisters do not countenance stuff that has to do with "Christianity" or the church.  And I deeply understand that. No one need tell me about the church or "Christianity" and what it has meant, done, inflicted upon, etc., our kind.

Being Christian, though, in the very liberal fashion in which I claim that title, ain't so bad.  There is a deeper Truth underneath the religiosity and practice of many who have hurt us, and do hurt us, and will defame and shame and injure and speak ill of us.  Really; there is a deeper Truth there. for me, it is worth it.

And, as I work for a religious non-profit, I'm deeply rooted in the Tradition.  And it's more than you think.  As the appointed leader of said religious non-profit, I came out almost two years ago.  And I'm still here, and we are actually growing and (in small ways) flourishing. The story is beyond amazing and unexpected and grace-filled.  The Truth and the Practice of many is far beyond the idiocy and hypocrisy and hate-filled-practice of some.  It's true.

One odd (quite odd) and blessed thing that comes to me in my 'employment' is the chance for some extended time away.  It's called a sabbatical.  And now it seems I will be graced with one.  February and March.  Time will be spent in meditation and contemplation with some monks (most of whom are gay, I think).  I'll be welcomed and accepted and given time for work and prayer and no one cares that I am gay.  I am hoping it will be a time of further transformation.

In South Africa.  Can you imagine?  I am only just beginning to.

The next few days will be very busy for me.  So,  Cheers, Shalom, and Merry Christmas to all.

PS:  I've got so much Celtic blood in me (it's true) now I understand why I want to paint myself blue and dance naked around a mistletoe-laden oak tree.  Huzzah!

I Lost It

I went to get a prescription refilled this evening, after a meeting at work.  "I'm sorry, this requires pre-authorization."

So, right there, at the counter in the Pharmacy, I called the company that handles prescription coverage for my health insurance.  I won't mention the name, but its initials are Medco.  After talking to their computer for a while, I finally got a live person.  (After talking with me, I hope she did not have to take a personal day, dissolving into tears, running screaming from the building.)

I was furious.  Livid.  Fit-to-be-tied.  Outraged. (What words could you add to this list?)  While civil, I don't think you could say I was polite.  I apologized to the person on the other end of the phone, saying that I knew it was not her fault.  I knew that she was just doing her job, (and being polite about it).  I told her that . . . . . . and then told her how furious/outraged/angry/livid I was about this system.  I was ready to occupy something, and it would not be a pretty sight.

And, you wouldn't believe what a nice, mild-mannered, usually calm person I am.  Most of the time.

So, I have to call the drug lords of insurance-land to be told a telephone number that I must give to the doctor's office, so that the doctor's office may call it to get a form faxed to them (the Doc's office) that must then be completed and returned to the prescription barons.  Then the headless wonders of prescription hell can decide if it's really what I should have, a legitimate drug, a real need, and whether they will pay for it. After all, the doctor's office has so much spare time, and so many extra employees just sitting around.  And, the doc doesn't know her arse from a hole in the ground - how could she possibly know what to prescribe for me.

When you go to your doctor, does she routinely give you random, expensive, useless prescriptions usually prescribed for symptoms and ailments that you do not have?  Perhaps many doctors do.  Do they?

I talked tonight with four different persons at the drug castle.  (I apologized and warned them in advance.)  The third person with whom I spoke was in the pre-authorization department. Then, he transferred me to a pharmacist in the pre-authorization department.  Who only works in the pre-authorization department.  They have pre-authorization pharmacists?!  Who knew?

This is all to save us money.  Pre-authorization departments.  Doctor's offices with staff members who do nothing but make calls and file forms with pre-authorization departments.  To save us money?

The hilarity of it continues: it was an old, generic drug.  Not like the doc is getting pay-offs from the drug company on this one.

Opening a bottle of wine was the best decision of the night.  I'm better now.  A bit.

Cold Front with Sun

There may be a lot to barometric pressure and its effect on one's mood.  Or not.

Maybe it's the rain, the clouds, the lack of sun.  Am I affected by that Seasonal Affective Disorder?  I know not.  But a front was moving through yesterday, and my mood was darker than than clouds.  Today it is cold, but the sun is out.  Deo gratias.  Is it sun or barometric pressure or phases of the moon?

These ups and downs seem rather high and low.  And, without medications stemming the slide, I can get into quite a funk.  But then, today is much better.  I'm really felling it all.  As I've said before (quoting a wise friend from years ago) "If you can't feel it, you can't heal it."  So now comes the work of healing it.

Many thanks for supportive words from folk in the blogosphere.

Fear and Loneliness

With a couple of days off, right now, a rarity for me, and with a tiny bit saved up, I thought of having an adventure.  But I haven't done it.  I got so close to booking a room.  And then closed the browser.  What is my problem?

At first, I feared I was again isolating myself.  I think I'm adjusting to life alone.  And it's been lonely.  I've been lonely.  I am lonely.  Even getting up the nerve to call a friend has been tough.  But talking isn't always what I want to do.

There are some reasons for not traveling too far (or at all); but are they reasons or just lame excuses?  Living into the loneliness, leaning into the fear are things I do not want to do; but that may be exactly what's necessary.  As Annie Dillard said (I think): we have to ride the monsters all the way down.

This is not the ride I'd like to be on, right now.

I am surviving, doing OK, really.  Perhaps I simply need to grow up some.  I've lived out of fear most of my life - so transition ain't so easy.  But not impossible.

There is much that needs doing around the house: cleaning, straightening, sorting, moving; things to make this house feel more like home.  That may be the more responsible thing to do.  And to pray/meditate/contemplate.  And a day trip may be in order.

I'll have another time for a big adventure.  Maybe I'll have someone to go with me.

Here, and not

A rough patch of work has kept me exhausted and weary.  It has been hard to focus and get through it all.  Forgive my absence.  Maybe it's time to end blogging - but then, maybe not.  I'll hang in a bit longer and see how it goes.

I'm in the kind of work that involves a great deal of emotional labor.  Not much heavy lifting or physical stuff, but a lot of emotional work that can be very exhausting.  And, with that, it's not something that one can "leave at the office" very easily; and it involves a schedule that is anything but "9 to 5."

I've taken little time off and certainly not two days together.  Even days off end up having just one little thing with work.  Others do it, I'm not the only one in this line of work.  I just don't seem to handle it very well, sometimes.  I'm looking to take a few days off next week - three.  But what will I do with them?  I can't afford much, but I'm going somewhere.

And there's not much other news about anything - or anyone.  Am I capable of handling a relationship?  Entering in to a relationship?  Maintaining a relationship?  I'm having my doubts . . . . . .  But I'm still hoping.  Cheers, till next time.

Alive, and pissed . . . .

I've not been online to read blogs, let alone post something. 
Won't say I've not been online . . . .  
never mind.

There are times I feel angry.  Just angry. . . . . at the world, myself, who-knows-what.  I'm that way right now.  It's been a good day, but I'm feeling a bit pissed.

Working in the religious non-profit sector, I was (finally) dissed for being (somewhat) Christian AND gay.  Having posted something on a rather free-thinking, free-spirited group, I got somebody really pissed at me about that.  OK.  It's happening.  I'm all right with it, but it's just not happened before.  I've had it so easy in so many ways.

Really.  Of course, I've had my own struggles, but coming out has been easier.  Maybe there are parts that will get more difficult.  We'll see.

More on that later.  Cheers, all

Spo Shirt, Beer City, BLURP

The amazing Spo Shirt Tour visited one of our local breweries.  No, the picture is not about dogs or science, but the Lexington Avenue Brewery (known locally as the Lab).  You see, our fair city is Beer City USA.  Really.  I didn't make that up.

So, even though we didn't stop in for a brew, we stopped by for a picture.  My crappy camera doesn't focus, so forgive the fuzziness of the picture.  I make no apologize about my natural fuzziness.

Tonight, I'm going with friend D for supper and a movie.  This week is the QFest film festival in our fair city.  Should be great fun.

Tomorrow is our local Pride celebration, BLURP.  I'm volunteering at a couple of booths throughout the day.  Too windy to wear my kilt, I fear.  Could get me into trouble.  More trouble.

Life goes on.  And with gratitude, I'm making it, a day at a time.  Today's a good day.

Cheers all.

Spo Shirt Tour

The Famous Spo Shirt arrived and has now paraded around town.  I'm not used to being in such bright, colorful attire!

In our first photo, I'm in from of our famous, art deco City Building.  Though the sun was out, it was a chilly day!

As my computer is acting up and may not be able to handle much today, I'll add some posts with a few other pictures.

And, as my camera is really awful and doesn't seem to focus well, I ask your forgiveness on the pix.  It was not the photographer (friend D.S.).

OH!  The Spo Shirt also made an entry into Sean's Undie Monday.  Check it out.

Septemberance

Remembering the events of ten years ago has been sad.  Really sad.  Forgiveness is a tough thing, sometimes. 

Then again, sometimes, it is the only thing.

Islam is not the enemy.  Religion isn't even the enemy (though it's easy to say so.)Extremism, absolutism, and fanaticism - they are the enemies.  Those who feel so strongly about being right are the ones who think they must punish those who are not like them.

If we do not behave in a very different way, if we do not embrace forgiveness, we become like them.  It is so easy to do.

"They" did not win.  The attacks of the 11th of September, 2001, did not succeed.  There only success will be if we become like them.

Even if we do not feel very forgiving, we must live it on the outside, until we can embrace it on the inward side.  Then . . . . .

Love wins.