Sunday, November 13, 2011

Fear and Loneliness

With a couple of days off, right now, a rarity for me, and with a tiny bit saved up, I thought of having an adventure.  But I haven't done it.  I got so close to booking a room.  And then closed the browser.  What is my problem?

At first, I feared I was again isolating myself.  I think I'm adjusting to life alone.  And it's been lonely.  I've been lonely.  I am lonely.  Even getting up the nerve to call a friend has been tough.  But talking isn't always what I want to do.

There are some reasons for not traveling too far (or at all); but are they reasons or just lame excuses?  Living into the loneliness, leaning into the fear are things I do not want to do; but that may be exactly what's necessary.  As Annie Dillard said (I think): we have to ride the monsters all the way down.

This is not the ride I'd like to be on, right now.

I am surviving, doing OK, really.  Perhaps I simply need to grow up some.  I've lived out of fear most of my life - so transition ain't so easy.  But not impossible.

There is much that needs doing around the house: cleaning, straightening, sorting, moving; things to make this house feel more like home.  That may be the more responsible thing to do.  And to pray/meditate/contemplate.  And a day trip may be in order.

I'll have another time for a big adventure.  Maybe I'll have someone to go with me.


Mind Of Mine said...

I know that feeling well, the idea that change will somehow make everything better.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

Your constant focusing on being alone is becoming a detriment. What is missing from this equation that should be a reminder that you are never alone. Surrender your loneliness to God and let him fill that empty space with love.

Meditate on this thought and see if your loneliness doesn't wane. Reach out where you can and take a step out of your comfort zone and do something dramatic.

You've lived out of fear most of your life, it is high time for you to learn to live in Love instead of fear. But only you can make this decision on doing so. It has to come from within.

Take your lonely moments and give them to god and see if he doesn't fill you up. That is such a great meditation.

Take a step up and out of the dark and loneliness. We are here for you. Come and join us.


Michael Dodd said...

When I was leaving the monastery at the ripe old age of 54, I wondered how and where and how even IF I could possibly meet the one.

I knew someone in a similar situation -- we knew one another through church and other associations -- and we decided to explore things together, so that we would have company during that part of the journey. We often went places with other friends, too, and simply enjoyed the whole crowd.

And guess what, of course? We are now partners. I think it helped that we did not start out with the pressure of dating, but just as friends who went places together. That meant we did not have a lot of initial pressure to impress or be coy or any other dating baggage. By the time we had our first formal "date", we realized we had been dating for some time without knowing it.

It is obvious from the comments that you have lots of friends who would be happy to have you come hang out with them. Enjoy that and see what happens.

Anonymous said...

Yep! I've been widowed 6 years. Loneliness sucks. Sorry, bro. (((bear hugs)))

A mostly hetero bear!


FDeF said...

I've been there, or somewhere close by. And it always seems impossible to "will" your way out, no matter how hard you try.

For me, it is often unacknowledged or camouflaged anger in the guise of guilt that paralyses me. It is usually tied in some way to loss and grief - loss of self, loss of integrity, loss of innocence, loss of self-worth, loss of love, loss of a fantasy; like waking up and realizing there is no Santa Claus and all of your hopes and dreams and your very identity has crumbled. A profound sadness where anger is completely hidden from view.

Like all grief, it must run its course - I think there are no shortcuts. And I sometimes wonder if prayer and meditation and contemplation only get one in deeper. I think that is all too cerebral.

If there is a shortcut it usually takes the form of a real slap in the face - a physical jolt, an emergency requiring your response or some other intrusion of reality to bring one around.

Getting away can be good - putting daily chores and obligations on the shelf - or bad - taking along an extra dose of guilt for not being "responsible".

A retreat with a different beat - perhaps a gay campground, of which there are several in the South. Hang in there. Peace,

Cubby said...

I would love to pay you another visit, but it's just not in the cards. Just know that I think of you often and am there with you in spirit.

BentonQuest said...

Also remember, "All work and no play makes Beartoast a dull Bear." You don't have to have big adventures, but even small adventures can bring joy. Hugs from Michigan, my friend.

Anonymous said...

May I make a suggestion. Why don't you get a group of your friends to come over and help you fix up your new place. It's boring to do stuff all by yourself but it's amazingly fun doing it with a group of friends and the work gets done so much quicker.

Butterfly Mage said...

I get socially withdrawn whenever Doug isn't around. I usually get out of the house, but I spend the time on hiking trails since I can deal with nature better than I can deal with human beings.