With a couple of days off, right now, a rarity for me, and with a tiny bit saved up, I thought of having an adventure. But I haven't done it. I got so close to booking a room. And then closed the browser. What is my problem?
At first, I feared I was again isolating myself. I think I'm adjusting to life alone. And it's been lonely. I've been lonely. I am lonely. Even getting up the nerve to call a friend has been tough. But talking isn't always what I want to do.
There are some reasons for not traveling too far (or at all); but are they reasons or just lame excuses? Living into the loneliness, leaning into the fear are things I do not want to do; but that may be exactly what's necessary. As Annie Dillard said (I think): we have to ride the monsters all the way down.
This is not the ride I'd like to be on, right now.
I am surviving, doing OK, really. Perhaps I simply need to grow up some. I've lived out of fear most of my life - so transition ain't so easy. But not impossible.
There is much that needs doing around the house: cleaning, straightening, sorting, moving; things to make this house feel more like home. That may be the more responsible thing to do. And to pray/meditate/contemplate. And a day trip may be in order.
I'll have another time for a big adventure. Maybe I'll have someone to go with me.