Away we go

All right. The last week was enough of a downer. Now it's time to pick up the mood a bit. It's gray and rainy outside, and that's absolutely wonderful! We, as most folk, are desperately in need of rain.

And, later this week, I'm off on holiday! Some time off, time away! Wish I could come visit friends in blog land, but I don't get to travel that far (unless some one in Memphis wants to host me for a night). I'm off to spend some time alone with myself to read and think and stuff. That may not sound like fun to many, but sounds great to me. I'll have to get some books to read, something fun. Any suggestions?

Then, I'm off to Memphis for a visit with my college daughter and see a play she's in. Then it will be back home, all the way across Tennessee and into NC.

I hope to rest and read and relax and have some fun. Cheers to all!

Better

Many thanks to you, dear readers, for kind comments and thoughts and prayers. I'll post more later. Maybe on a happier note.

The sermon at the funeral was good, I thought, and I got a copy. Interesting gospel lesson for a funeral, but since it was a suicide, it seemed to be "spot on." See what you think.

John 6:11-13, 16-21
Then Jesus took the loaves, and when he had given thanks, he distributed them to those who were seated; so also the fish, as much as they wanted. When they were satisfied, he told his disciples, "Gather up the fragments left over, so that nothing may be lost." So they gathered them up, and from the fragments of the five barley loaves, left by those who had eaten, they filled twelve baskets.
When evening came, Jesus' disciples went down to the sea, got into a boat, and started across the sea to Capernaum. It was now dark, and Jesus had not yet come to them. The sea became rough because a strong wind was blowing. When they had rowed about three or four miles, they saw Jesus walking on the sea and coming near the boat, and they were terrified. But he said to them, "It is I; do not be afraid." Then they wanted to take him into the boat, and immediately the boat reached the land toward which they were going.

A Sermon for Jack

Jesus feeds the multitudes. They eat. They are satisfied. But then things are a mess. Fragments, broken pieces everywhere.

We can relate to broken, can't we. Right now, we understand being fragmented. We can relate to "mess." All our questions that have no answers we can see. For us, it is a mess. But Jesus tells the disciples to gather up all the fragments, so that nothing may be lost. Nothing.

All our fragments. All our broken-ness is gathered up for God. Nothing is lost to God. Nothing.

The disciples travel on ahead, get in the boat, head on to the other side. Jesus waits and prays. In the midst of broken-ness and fragmentation, it is a good thing for us to wait, and to pray. To wait with Jesus while we mourn and with all that we don't understand, with all the unanswerable questions.

In the boat, a storm comes up. The wind is violent. The night is dark. What will they do? What can they do? All just might be lost.

Then, Jesus comes to them, walking on the water. The disciples are terrified. This is impossible. They weren't expecting this; they cannot believe Jesus would show up like this. It is against all their expectations. And yet, here he is. His there in the storm, the turmoil, the wind, and the darkness. And in that darkness, Jesus says, "It is I. Do not be afraid."

He does not give reproof or judgment. He does not scold or deride them. He tells them "Do not be afraid." Then, he gets into the boat with them. He willingly gets into the middle of their turmoil, their darkness, their fear. Jesus gets into the boat. And the storm ends. There is peace. And immediately, they arrive where they were going. They reach home, they are safe.

Perhaps they could have rowed through the storms themselves. But they did not know that.

Maybe Jack didn't, either.

But when Jesus comes to them, he does not judge or reprove or scold. He says "It is I. Do not be afraid." And the storm stops. And the boat reaches the shore. They are home. And the same is true for Jack.

Even though we do not understand. We believe that God does. After all, God collects all our fragments, all our broken-ness. Nothing is lost. Nothing.

We pray for God's grace to help us live with our questions.
We should take time, and wait, and pray with Jesus.
We should be disciples for one another and help gather in the fragments.
And always remember, in the midst of the worst storms, or the deepest darkness, Jesus comes to us and says, "It is I. Do not be afraid."

Farewell dear Jack. Fear not. Your storm is over. Your darkness is now filled with light.

You are safe.
And home.
Fear no more.

Out of the depths, I call unto thee

Death where is thy sting? It is here, very present and very real. A friend committed suicide last night and I am reeling. I can't say he was the closest of friends by any means, but I knew him and his family. I spent several hours last night with his parents, just holding them as they screamed and cried. It is unfair, unreal, unimaginable.

His name was Jack. Please pray that he will now find peace he could not seem to find in this life. Pray that he will know companionship and intimacy with God that he could not seem to find with others. He must have been in a deep blackness that seemed impenetrable. Now we will never know. I hate this.

I was at his wedding, the baptism of his child, the intervention that moved him to seek treatment for alcohol and drugs. Counseled with him and his wife in their separation. Those are all things that I sometimes do in connection with my job, but my commitment to them as a family is not just a "job" thing. It always goes deeper.

My best friend from college and graduate school did the same thing. I've written about him before. Suicide always hits me so close to home. And it hurts.

There are no answers. None. No explanations that are worth anything. This is as close to living with an open, painful wound as there is. It's the worst.

I have had my own very deep darkness over the years. I have contemplated "ending it all." Sometimes the pain seems so deep and prolonged. There is no light. No warmth. No one with whom you can keep company. Or so it seems.

But, from the death of my friend years ago, and now from Jack's death, I learn again that suicide is no answer. For my family, my children, my friends . . . I could never do so much to hurt them as this. Maybe his pain is over. Ours is just beginning.

Another National Coming Out Day

It's National Coming Out Day and I'm sitting in the doorway. I thought I might un-whine a bit by saying how grateful I am for all the progress I have made in the past year. But there is far to go. There is far I want to go.

Perhaps it is my personality. In Myers-Briggs terms, I'm very much an Extrovert. I like to talk about it (what ever "it" might be). So, to keep it so quiet is difficult for me to do. I'm very grateful for the friends I do have with whom I can share that part of my inner life, as well as the rest of me.

Last night, in dropping off my youngest at her mom's house, my wife said she knew what today was and she would be thinking about me. I had to hold back tears. She is a great woman, and I am grateful.

The weather has cooled and the sun is shining. I've got to get out for a walk today. My soul (and my fat body) need it. Something for me, today.

An Attitude

This past week and week end I came down with it. Big. Bad. Ugly. The Flu. Everything hurt. My hair hurt. My skin hurt. High fever. Yuk. Very depressing.

So, in the midst of yuk, it is very easy to whine, which I did. Something helpful I've found for un-whining is gratitude.

I am grateful for

• that I have had to courage and perseverance to begin the journey of coming out.



• for my children, and their long-suffering, understanding mother.



• for a place to live, a "place of my own."



• for an understanding, supportive place of employment. Though I am not "out" at work, folk have worked with me on schedule, time-off, etc.



• for my friends John and John. A couple who've been together about 30 years! They've been welcoming, supportive, playful, and let me do my laundry at their house.



• for being able to live in a beautiful part of the world, the mountains of Western NC.



• for faithful friends and supporters in my 12 step group.



• for comments and emails and such left by many of you that have buoyed me through a lot of low points.



• for God's grace, embracing me with Love my whole journey. Being gay is profoundly spiritual.



• for my kind, understanding, and very straight "regional boss" who knows I'm gay and supports me.

Gratitude fights the spirits that pull us down into the pit. It opens up my heart and mind and takes me out of myself. An Attitude of Gratitude. It's a great way to un-whine!

Cheers for now.

Gayly Forward

October 11 is National Coming Out Day. The Human Rights Campaign has some good stuff for celebratin, including some YouTube opportunities. I watched some folks' "coming out" videos and laughed, and cried. Really cried.



How much longer I can stay in the closet one can only guess. Maybe I'm trying to create some situation in which I will really "out" myself. Not a good plan.

Feelings have continued to be very close to the surface. This week, however, the drama is not about longing for straight normalcy as it has been longing for complete out-ness.

WTF am I doing coming out at 51 years old? Better late than never?

Yes. dammit. Better late than never.

In so many ways, I do not have a clue what I am doing.

But that never stopped me before! gayly forward.

Caution: feelings ahead: abandon logic at this point

Today is a tough day.

It's still early, and I know I will "get over it," but it's one of those days when I think about being straight. Wishing, maybe, I were straight.

No, I do not believe I could do it. No, I'm not even going to try. Been there, done that, got the therapy bills to prove it. I know I can't do it. But sometimes . . . . . .

There many situations in life when we wish we could be someone else, I suppose. Someone rich or famous, or smarter or more beautiful. And my perspective on all this may be quite skewed. I have been (and still am) married; I am father to two wonderful children; I am in a profession and work with many folk who assume I am straight. That's what folk like me are, isn't it?

So, having had the "married-with-children" life for so long (21 years), I have that picture of the straight life. And part of me yearns for it. Just to be "normal", or typical, or mainstream. The struggle is still there, though I know the outcome (ha: there's a pun for you).

And then, there is the Church. Living life as a Christian is tough enough. But then dealing with "the Church" makes it all the tougher. I have this great fear (probably not unrealistic) that when my friends, etc., at Church discover - find out - get told I am gay, their entire opinion of me will change. As if everything has changed, when in fact I am the same me I have always been. Surely there will be some who won't be so shallow, but I have my doubts.

The Church (especially the Episcopal Church) is so distracted by this sexuality shit that it seems we get little else done. In the parish I attend, it's all pretty much ignored, but it does hang there, hovering over things, putting us on the defensive.

Of course, still leading a bit of the "double life," I place myself in the midst of confusion. For now, it is important. When I can come out all the way, perhaps it will be easier? The overt may be easier to deal with than the covert.

I don't know. It's a tough day. I have hope that it will get better. I have hope. I do.

new tears

What is happening to me? Maybe it's drugs (or lack thereof). Maybe it's life. Maybe it's freedom, or living in the Truth.

Living out of the house and venturing out of the closet, I have felt almost euphoric at times, barely able to grasp the wholeness of all this "new life." Was there ever a time in my life when I have felt this way? Ever?

• The old demons have subsided (and new ones arise. Or are they even older ones?)
• The shame and guilt: largely gone. But loneliness has crept in.
• The anxiety of lying to myself: dissolved. But fears and trepidations about "starting" a new life are lurking.Energy and focus to do my job are there in better measure; but distractions still annoy.

My depression has eased so much that I have been able to go off my anti-depressant medication. And I'm feeling great. But now something odd has been happening: tears.

I think it is an adjustment time, but the slightest things can set me off. A song, something I read. Anything that has to do with being lost, then found. Bound, then free.

I read some coming out stories on the Human Rights Campaign website. I cried. And, from one of *Christopher's websites, a service for "Binding & Loosing". This moved me deeply.

. . . . . in the Name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ be loosed from the
manifold voices that bind your heart from praising freely, be freed from the
foul demons that accuse your very life and cause you to doubt God’s friendship,
for they are bound forever this day that you might walk in the newness of
unending life, for you are washed by Living Water and by the Blood of the Lamb.

So many are bound by the words of others while the Word of God will liberate and release. And I know that simply printing these words that carry a very religious tone will put-off (or piss-off) some folk, just because of the toxic religion with which they have been abused. Dear friends, believe me: the toxicity lies with them, not with God, however you understand God.

Later. Cheers to one and all.

Home again

It was a long trip to Memphis and back, but daughter is settled back in school. Now we just wait for the first crisis. She will survive, she will do well. But after all, she is majoring in drama. Runs in the family, I guess.

It was miserably hot, even by Memphis standards, in the 100's. But all got done, moved in, purchased, etc. She had commitments on campus on Sunday afternoon and evening, so I went out on my own and found the Pumping Station. Folk were very friendly, funny, welcoming, and frisky, too. Didn't get into any "trouble", but enjoyed visiting with folk.

I made the long trek back on Tuesday morning, leaving at 6.30 (and it was already about 80 degrees).

Laudate Domino

Tomorrow, I am off to Memphis, returning the eldest offspring to college. The youngest offspring shall be accompanying me while their mom takes the eldest. With the separation, it works best for us to go separately. BUT with all my daughter's stuff, we'll need two cars, anyway.

Mom and youngest leave on Sunday. College daughter will be busy most of Sunday, then I will help her with things on Monday, before returning east. What should I do in Memphis on Sunday evening, any suggestions?

Oh, this is the view from my back deck. I do live in the most beautiful part of the world.

I am feeling really good, right now. I know assuredly there will be some more downs, but I am rejoicing in the now.