Saturday, September 01, 2007

new tears

What is happening to me? Maybe it's drugs (or lack thereof). Maybe it's life. Maybe it's freedom, or living in the Truth.

Living out of the house and venturing out of the closet, I have felt almost euphoric at times, barely able to grasp the wholeness of all this "new life." Was there ever a time in my life when I have felt this way? Ever?
  • The old demons have subsided (and new ones arise. Or are they even older ones?)
  • The shame and guilt: largely gone. But loneliness has crept in.
  • The anxiety of lying to myself: dissolved. But fears and trepidations about "starting" a new life are lurking.Energy and focus to do my job are there in better measure; but distractions still annoy.

My depression has eased so much that I have been able to go off my anti-depressant medication. And I'm feeling great. But now something odd has been happening: tears.

I think it is an adjustment time, but the slightest things can set me off. A song, something I read. Anything that has to do with being lost, then found. Bound, then free.
I read some coming out stories on the Human Rights Campaign website. I cried. And, from one of *Christopher's websites, a service for "Binding & Loosing". This moved me deeply.
. . . . . in the Name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ be loosed from the
manifold voices that bind your heart from praising freely, be freed from the
foul demons that accuse your very life and cause you to doubt God’s friendship,
for they are bound forever this day that you might walk in the newness of
unending life, for you are washed by Living Water and by the Blood of the Lamb.
So many are bound by the words of others while the Word of God will liberate and release. And I know that simply printing these words that carry a very religious tone will put-off (or piss-off) some folk, just because of the toxic religion with which they have been abused. Dear friends, believe me: the toxicity lies with them, not with God, however you understand God.
Later. Cheers to one and all.


Jeremiah Andrews said...

I don't know if coming off the meds are a good thing, because you might hit a bad patch, and better if you stayed on them, they moderate the highs and lows.

As for tears, I get them too. And that's a part of life it reminds you that you are human and have the capacity for compassion which is rare.

True that toxicity lies with the holder, not with God. Rid ones self of the wreckage of the past and be free. The past is the past and it only affects you if one allows it to to any extent they choose.

Sad so many live with toxicity. They can't "let go!" You are well and all is well in your world, keep up the good work.


Lemuel said...

You will never know HOW MUCH I needed to read/hear that prayer tonight! thank you! thank you!

Raymond said...
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Brent said...

I know it's really weird, but I get teary whenever I watch "The Man who Knew too Much." When Doris Day sings Que Sera Sera, and her little boy is trapped upstairs the tears start flowing, it must be all the hormones they put in the chicken.

Ross said...

Tears are a good thing. This is from someone who has a very hard time trying to cry.

Brian said...

I'm with jeremiah, and you; the toxicity isn't God's, am glad you have the wisdom. Let the tears come, joe, they're part of the healing and it sounds like you're healing fine. It's all part of being awake to yourself and takes time. If you need to go back on the meds, that's fine too, I'm sticking with mine a little longer. Proud of you.

BentonQuest said...

Be careful about going off the antidepressants. I did just that and had a MAJOR crash.

But I agree, God is loving and caring. However, I find most "Christians" (And I use the scare quotes because I don't think most who claim to be Christian actually are) to be annoying at best and hateful at worst.

Tay Hota said...

Another wonderfully honest post... I admire the courage you exhibit in your journey... These kinds of life changes are no doubt scary and will no doubt bring you to point of lonliness and doubt. In these times I find it helpful to review the reasons for the changes... The pros and cons... As well as having a friend to call... (One thing I realized in my own dark times was that loneliness is now who you are surrounded by, but how connected you are to those around you... do you have your support network in place?) Anyway, I'm rambling, but stay strong... The life you are working towards is one of happiness, integrity and freedom... Well worth some tears... :)

Michael said...

One friend told Tom that his joints would get looser as he lived his way into the truth of his gayness. Lots of things loosen up -- including tear ducts, deep laughter, feelings in general. Glad to hear that you are experiencing it.

I don't really have enough pertinent experience to comment on the antidepressants, but I suppose you and your physician will be monitoring how things are going. It's all part of self-care. Part of coming out is that you begin to pay attention to the truth of your own experience. You attend to the experience, strength and hope of others, too, of course. But the main thing is to note what your own experience is, and with appropriate guidance, to move forward.

But you know that.

Ur-spo said...

it all sounds rather normal/understandable to me.
especially the loneliness.
the price of growing up/being independant from tribal energies is loneliness - at least for a while.

john said...

Thanks for this post!

Derek said...

love the picture you chose, that was my favorite book growing up, i just recently gave one to my nephew. Your growing! Bless you a bunch mr!

bear said...

I notice I still am this way even now, usually when someone suffers in silence and is then freed or redeemed (a good example is the movie "the Color Purple")...I remember thinking about how much suffering it was to be secretly gay (and very hard to describe to people who are not closeted) Silence was death, I really felt dead and emotionless. My religious self used to think of it like how Jesus suffered - not understood, beaten, betrayed, suffering silently, and finally killed. I was there, hanging frozen and dead on my cross and no one there for me...
The closet is a slow death you've suffered. Life is here again and you've found some peace with yourself and God. You can walk around anew, with a deeper understanding, appreciation and compassion.