Thursday, September 13, 2007

Caution: feelings ahead: abandon logic at this point

Today is a tough day.

It's still early, and I know I will "get over it," but it's one of those days when I think about being straight. Wishing, maybe, I were straight.

No, I do not believe I could do it. No, I'm not even going to try. Been there, done that, got the therapy bills to prove it. I know I can't do it. But sometimes . . . . . .

There many situations in life when we wish we could be someone else, I suppose. Someone rich or famous, or smarter or more beautiful. And my perspective on all this may be quite skewed. I have been (and still am) married; I am father to two wonderful children; I am in a profession and work with many folk who assume I am straight. That's what folk like me are, isn't it?

So, having had the "married-with-children" life for so long (21 years), I have that picture of the straight life. And part of me yearns for it. Just to be "normal", or typical, or mainstream. The struggle is still there, though I know the outcome (ha: there's a pun for you).

And then, there is the Church. Living life as a Christian is tough enough. But then dealing with "the Church" makes it all the tougher. I have this great fear (probably not unrealistic) that when my friends, etc., at Church discover - find out - get told I am gay, their entire opinion of me will change. As if everything has changed, when in fact I am the same me I have always been. Surely there will be some who won't be so shallow, but I have my doubts.

The Church (especially the Episcopal Church) is so distracted by this sexuality shit that it seems we get little else done. In the parish I attend, it's all pretty much ignored, but it does hang there, hovering over things, putting us on the defensive.

Of course, still leading a bit of the "double life," I place myself in the midst of confusion. For now, it is important. When I can come out all the way, perhaps it will be easier? The overt may be easier to deal with than the covert.

I don't know. It's a tough day. I have hope that it will get better. I have hope. I do.


Alan said...

Not that it's easy to leave a church, particularly if it's one where you've been for a while, but I've always believed that church is the LAST place that should make you feel uncomfortable. There's a reason they call it a "sanctuary", after all.

Our little Presbyterian Church has been through the ringer several times over the sexuality BS in our denomination. Eventually we decided to stop asking for permission, and we just do as we please. Makes things much happier, I can tell you.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

Hey Bear...
First, finding your way "into your skin" is a work in progress. But I can promise you that one day you will wake up and everything will feel "normal" and as it should be.

We know what the "grass is always greener on the other side can do?"

Stay the course.

When it comes to church, this is my forte. I think we all know how to find God, or He us. I have one foot in the Catholic church and one foot in the Anglican Church because I have commonality in both.

But for the most part, God can be found outside the building, If you can look past the sexuality issues of Church and remember your roots in your faith, going to church will be a normal experience.

People who are fixated on Homosexuality have more problems with themselves than with us. So let them "rotate on their sit and spins" Live your Faith around the assholes, because I don't think the debate is going to be over any time soon.

Sad, but Keep your faith close and well guarded and don't let anyone speak ill against you - Let your conscience be your guide.

Stay Cool Bear !!


A Troll At Sea said...


Hang in there. Not everything, but many things, will become clear as time goes by.

Other things, like the inability of the mainstream Protestant denominations to talk about ANYthing but sex, and particularly our brand of it, do not, apparently. Dorothy Sayers, who was an unwed mother, wrote astringently that anyone listening to most churchmen would come to the conclusion that there was only one Deadly Sin. Actually, she said, lust came fairly far down the list. I think you'll find it in "Creed or Chaos" -- a title I wish I had come up with, btw.

You will need time to find a balance between what you were and what you are. I am still wrestling with that, and sometimes, when I see a young couple with children, I want to cry: I feel that I have cut myself off from that "normal" life. Well, as long as I was part of it, how normal was it?

Hang in there.
I'm glad you posted again.
It always soothes the worry-nerves.


Lemuel said...

As you know, you echo my struggle. You are just a number of steps ahead of me.

bear said...

"caution: feelings ahead: abandon logic" I wish similiar things about being "normal" like you, but there's a actually got to LIVE that life and have wonderful kids to show for it etc. I don't and can only in that aspect I'm envious you got to live it.
I see how this can create a larger dilemna as people have a higher expectation of you should you come dilemna is I can't even trick anyone now that I'm getting older and "don't even have a girlfriend." So you have a good "cover" for anyone you do NOT want to out yourself to. I don't, being older and a "single" man = you're gay. So I'm envious #2.
In general, I'd say you're luckier than some so count your blessings, you got kids who love you, and you can always dodge the uncomfortable questions (where's the girlfriend/ why not married?) from people who don't need to know by referring to a divorce or your kids! You can use this "double life" to your advantage. I can't. Lucky you!
My experience is people's reaction to you will be very unpredictable and can change drastically. Church is the toughest...sure, it's clear to you that it's not a choice because you live it every day, but it's not clear to many Christians who feel deep inside it's still "sin". This will be the biggest struggle that won't resolve itself easily. Hang tough, I do think it will become easier to deal with this in'll see. Tread lightly, enjoy the unique view.

john said...

Hey buddy, I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling this way. I can honestly say that I do empathize. Not a day goes by when I have those wishing I were straight feeling. I'm not in anyway, except for the blogosphere out. At least you are facing the fact that you are gay, that to many you are already out.
Take it day by day. I've always believed that if God takes you to it, He'll take you through it.

Ur-spo said...

the 'shoulds' are pounding at you and they are threatened by your new growths; they tend to shout and haunt when the status quo if being threatened; overall a good sign that you are doing well and they are only a deck of cards.....

Tay Hota said...

I'm sorry you're having a rough time... I suspect you have some amazing experiences in your future... I have found that the more I put things in God's hands and just let it all hang out, more sense of freedom and happiness I experience... I have to keep telling myself that integrity will set me free... So far so good... :)

Derek said...

Sorry things are hard on you right now, I've been there. Still go there on occasion in thought. But still find a little happiness even when it's raining hard.