Tempest or Teapot

This may all be a bit disjointed, but bear with me.

Some friends are helping me with some discernment in my life. It’s about coming out at work, and such. Risky Business.

Do I really want to do that? Come out? I have a particular role in my organization. The person, me, is out. But the persona, the role, ain’t there yet. How do I continue to do my job, “play” my role (I don’t play at it; I don’t like that term, but it will have to do for now), and stay in the closet? Does anyone really care?

With what I do, there is more involved than just a set of skills or tasks I perform. It involves who I am as a person as well as skills, gifts, talents. To keep myself at some distance from others because of this “secret” is very difficult.

God is putting the screws on. I feel a sense of things “tightening down”, forcing the question. Oh, God. It may seem like no big deal. Maybe it is less of a big deal than I know.

I am afraid of God calling me somewhere I don’t want to go. Calling me to some things I don’t want to do. Like, possibly, behaving myself. Don’t want to go there, that’s for sure. Am I looking for the freedom to do all kinds of things I’ve never done before? Am I looking for the freedom simply to be me? And, exactly, who am I? That’s a question, too.

One of the friends helping me in this discernment has been out for years. He has a partner. The same one for 28 years. Twenty eight years! And he’s not that much older than I am.

He’s said he is in his “post gay” period. It just doesn’t matter (in some ways) to him. He is who he is. Just as he is. He is.

I’ll be 54 years old next month (25 October. Send cards, letters, and large expensive gifts). I’m just getting started. I’ve only been out to myself for about 4 years. I mean really out; when I could look and enjoy the sight of a beautiful, sexy man and not feel shame. I have struggled with this so long. I want the struggle to be over. But then, new struggles will emerge. Am I ready for those? I think so. It couldn’t be any worse, could it? At least the struggles would be out in the open.

I fear rejection; causing upset to others; losing face; not being taken seriously. Some of my constituents will feel a sense of betrayal. Some will “stop shopping with us.” We will lose “business.” Perhaps others will come. Perhaps there will be great support for me. But I don’t want it to be about me. And it isn’t all about me; it’s about what is right. It’s about living one’s life with honesty, integrity, and authenticity. But it’s my life we’re talking about here.

Serenity, Courage, Wisdom. I could use some of that stuff, right now. Now. Right now.

Reprogression / Proregression

Ever feel like you were walking backwards down the stairs?  If only I could "moon walk."  It looks like I'm gong forward, but. . . . .

But, on the other hand, maybe I am moving forward and it only looks like I'm moving backwards.  Whatever. Who knows what it comes from.  All the questions, the "why's" and "what if's".  I don't get too hung up in that.

What I'm getting to is that the downward spiral got deeper, faster, scarier.  So, I've started back on the anti-depressants.  And I'm glad I have.  Though I still hold the goal of "if you can't feel it, you can't heal it,"  I have to function to hold down a job, to get the laundry done, etc.  I want to live without the drugs, but this is not the time.  Too much happening, going on, swirling around me.  The stability seems more important, right now.

Maybe it's a crutch, maybe it's all in my imagination.  But I don't think it's that simple.  So, I am beginning to "feel better."  More focus, a bit more energy to get work done, less isolating, more interacting.  I can be a bit more "present" when I'm present.  That's a good thing.

Out of Focus

Though over the flu, I'm still not feeling up to snuff, as we say.  And, I'm not so sure why.  Some down, some tired, some busy.  Focusing at work seems to happen more easily when I limit my hours.  Plan on staying half a day, and for that amount of time, I get more done than many days when I stay the whole day.  Go figure.

My internet connectivity has been limited lately, and I haven't read many blogs.  Forgive my not getting to your blog.  I am grateful for those who continue to read mine, tedious as it may be, right now.  I'm hoping to catch up on some or just read the latest posts.  Reading is a time- and focus-consuming task for me. 

Actually, I've needed a lot of quiet lately.  Maybe more than usual.  And I've tried to take some, but not always with good result. Being without agenda, with no one demanding my time is hard for me to take.  I just don't know what to do with myself!  I know, many of you would kill for some free, agenda-less time.  And here I am, fretting over it.

Focus is the thing.  Somehow, I need to focus on planning some unfocused time.  Time when my only agenda is to sit with some silence.  Take a hike, and sit.  Take a book and read. 

E'en now, I'm fading.  Later.

Thanks, I'm mending well

Thanks for the kind notes, thoughts, prayers, etc.  I am mending well from Swine Flu.  It comes on fast, but then it's over in a few days.  But the exhaustion last a while.

September has arrived, the weather here is cool and crisp.  Leaves just beginning to get started changing color.   I live in one of the most beautiful places on Earth.  Really.

Off to bed.

H1N1

With much busy-ness, I've gotten a little run-down. I got the pig plague. Swine flu.

Yes. H1N1. For real. I shall not die; I'd have to get better to die.

I am feeling vaguely human today. First time in 4 days. I have barely been out of bed. Everything ached. Everything. Every joint. Every muscle. Every bit of tissue, and bone, too. Shear exhaustion.

Go wash your hands. Do it now.

Take me now

Ahhggghhhghgh!

Craziness reigns. Trying to get offspring sprung from the nest. Trying to get through huge stuff at work. trying to keep body and soul together in the midst of it all. I could probably benefit from those anti-depressants i stopped recently.

I'll just have a drink instead!

Here and Now

I had a wonderful visit with blogger Birdie who so graciously wrote about our visit. Meanwhile there has been much busy-ness with getting children off to college, being part of big doings at work, and it's all happening at the same time! Ahhhhh!

Money is running out, time is running short, energy level is declining. I'm just ready for the grave, eh? Hah! We're just getting started. (He said to himself, hopefully, trying to flag his failing spirits).

This will be my first semester not traveling to one public school or another on a daily basis (and usually twice a day, or more). My children will have flown the coop! An empty nest! I've not pondered this much. Hmmm.

Here is a picture of a bear in our yard, again.

With August here, there is lots of fresh food from all over. At work, we've been getting fresh tomatoes, cucumbers (as pictured here - stop that!) as well as squash. We've also gotten fresh stuff for the food pantry at church.

I've been thinking a lot on the concept and reality of Privilege. For us white male, we've got it made in the shade. But being gay adds its challenges to that. But maybe that's why we are so feared (more than lesbians, say).

To see things from a different perspective is something many (straight) white males cannot do (easily, if at all). It is hard to let go of our closely held beliefs and stereotypes and role models and ideas. Of course our way is the best way, can't you see that? Huh?

To quote from the indefatigable Sean: "Everyone keeps telling me to look at the big picture, but they don't understand that I'm looking at an entirely different painting."

Camp Followers?

I noticed that there are a few more folk "following" my blog. How flattering! So, I checked them out. Well, how interesting - a few of them (very few mind you) seem to be "user advised" blogs. You know, with the content warning thing.

SO, if you are one of those "following" along on my (very interesting but generally boring) blog, speak up. I'm wondering if there is hacking/spamming/etc. going on.

Beach

Just back from a few days at the beach with my kids. Their mom spends a few days there, and then we trade off. It's worked well for us the last several years as we make adjustments from life together to life apart. It was fun, hot, humid, with a little rain. And too much air conditioning.

Living in the mountains, I'm used to cooler, less humid conditions. My housemates (my hosts) don't use the AC at all. But since it goes down to about 60 degrees at night (seldom more than 65), things cool way down. It's wonderful.

Here are some pictures.

Feeling and Healing

I know it's been a while. But I am here, alive, and moderately well.

There are "up" days and "down" days. Ah, Life. To be expected, eh?, when you taper off the anti-depressants? Only Dr. Spo knows all (well most, anyway). Partly from desire, part economics, part forgetfulness (did I take that pill today?), I have ended taking my anti-depressant.

I've been on them for years. Years. The idea that I could stay back from the Edge without them seemed remote a few years ago. It was remote. But that was then.

Emotions seem closer to the surface. I'll cry at the slightest thing. Sometimes I start some of that "stinkin' thinkin'" that says I cannot do it, I am not good enough. But it does not last as long. I pull away from it, I retreat from thinking NO. I move back toward YES.

Anti-depressants are valuable tools (along with a good therapist) for getting us through the darkness, over the hump, or out of the woods (choose your metaphor). For some they may be ongoing necessity. I'd thought so, with me.

Years ago, I consulted informally with a psychiatrist I knew from church. He did not jump to medication. His motto was "If you can't feel it, you can't heal it." Wise.

I'm trying to go that route now, and I'm grateful I've got a good therapist/counselor to be with me through all those feelings!