Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Tempest or Teapot
Some friends are helping me with some discernment in my life. It’s about coming out at work, and such. Risky Business.
Do I really want to do that? Come out? I have a particular role in my organization. The person, me, is out. But the persona, the role, ain’t there yet. How do I continue to do my job, “play” my role (I don’t play at it; I don’t like that term, but it will have to do for now), and stay in the closet? Does anyone really care?
With what I do, there is more involved than just a set of skills or tasks I perform. It involves who I am as a person as well as skills, gifts, talents. To keep myself at some distance from others because of this “secret” is very difficult.
God is putting the screws on. I feel a sense of things “tightening down”, forcing the question. Oh, God. It may seem like no big deal. Maybe it is less of a big deal than I know.
I am afraid of God calling me somewhere I don’t want to go. Calling me to some things I don’t want to do. Like, possibly, behaving myself. Don’t want to go there, that’s for sure. Am I looking for the freedom to do all kinds of things I’ve never done before? Am I looking for the freedom simply to be me? And, exactly, who am I? That’s a question, too.
One of the friends helping me in this discernment has been out for years. He has a partner. The same one for 28 years. Twenty eight years! And he’s not that much older than I am.
He’s said he is in his “post gay” period. It just doesn’t matter (in some ways) to him. He is who he is. Just as he is. He is.
I’ll be 54 years old next month (25 October. Send cards, letters, and large expensive gifts). I’m just getting started. I’ve only been out to myself for about 4 years. I mean really out; when I could look and enjoy the sight of a beautiful, sexy man and not feel shame. I have struggled with this so long. I want the struggle to be over. But then, new struggles will emerge. Am I ready for those? I think so. It couldn’t be any worse, could it? At least the struggles would be out in the open.
I fear rejection; causing upset to others; losing face; not being taken seriously. Some of my constituents will feel a sense of betrayal. Some will “stop shopping with us.” We will lose “business.” Perhaps others will come. Perhaps there will be great support for me. But I don’t want it to be about me. And it isn’t all about me; it’s about what is right. It’s about living one’s life with honesty, integrity, and authenticity. But it’s my life we’re talking about here.
Serenity, Courage, Wisdom. I could use some of that stuff, right now. Now. Right now.
at 6:43 PM