Ever feel like you were walking backwards down the stairs? If only I could "moon walk." It looks like I'm gong forward, but. . . . .
But, on the other hand, maybe I am moving forward and it only looks like I'm moving backwards. Whatever. Who knows what it comes from. All the questions, the "why's" and "what if's". I don't get too hung up in that.
What I'm getting to is that the downward spiral got deeper, faster, scarier. So, I've started back on the anti-depressants. And I'm glad I have. Though I still hold the goal of "if you can't feel it, you can't heal it," I have to function to hold down a job, to get the laundry done, etc. I want to live without the drugs, but this is not the time. Too much happening, going on, swirling around me. The stability seems more important, right now.
Maybe it's a crutch, maybe it's all in my imagination. But I don't think it's that simple. So, I am beginning to "feel better." More focus, a bit more energy to get work done, less isolating, more interacting. I can be a bit more "present" when I'm present. That's a good thing.