Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Reprogression / Proregression

Ever feel like you were walking backwards down the stairs?  If only I could "moon walk."  It looks like I'm gong forward, but. . . . .

But, on the other hand, maybe I am moving forward and it only looks like I'm moving backwards.  Whatever. Who knows what it comes from.  All the questions, the "why's" and "what if's".  I don't get too hung up in that.

What I'm getting to is that the downward spiral got deeper, faster, scarier.  So, I've started back on the anti-depressants.  And I'm glad I have.  Though I still hold the goal of "if you can't feel it, you can't heal it,"  I have to function to hold down a job, to get the laundry done, etc.  I want to live without the drugs, but this is not the time.  Too much happening, going on, swirling around me.  The stability seems more important, right now.

Maybe it's a crutch, maybe it's all in my imagination.  But I don't think it's that simple.  So, I am beginning to "feel better."  More focus, a bit more energy to get work done, less isolating, more interacting.  I can be a bit more "present" when I'm present.  That's a good thing.

22 comments:

Larry Ohio said...

If it works, real or imagined, don't stop. Concentrate on keeping your head above water.

I have what it takes to put you in heaven for a half hour, if you're interested. It works for me every time. Go get yourself some instant, sugar-free hot apple cider mix, add a cup of boiling water, then indulge in the aroma. Don't laugh; I'm serious. Then when it cools off enough and you can sip it... it's like sex in your mouth! Ok, not that good, but it's close. Give it a try.

Trust me. For a half hour you will feel calm and relaxed, your mind will clear, and you'll feel just a little less stressed than before. It's like a miracle in a cup.

Neil said...

I'm very happy to hear that you're feeling better. The time will come when you're strong enough without the anti-depresssants. It's possible that you're progressing, without knowing it. It's like a journey through a desert, you never know how far you've proceeded. All the best luck on the way! Hugs and unchanging prayers.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

We can all pop pills bear. It is second nature in our culture today to treat everything and anything with a pill.

BUT - If you aren't putting healing energy behind that pill, it ain't gonna do you no good. Behave your way to success, even if you have to fake it to make it for the moment.

Jeremy

Dyl said...

Anything that gets you out of that spiral is a good thing. I'm pleased thoughts have improved for you.

Dale said...

I have been through some of what you are going through, got through it with help of a couple friends and faith. One little thing that helped me was the decision to do something for someone else every day. Sometimes a friend or co-worker or sometimes a stranger. It made me realize that I could make a difference..through that I found that some people had way bigger burdens than I did..it gave me perspective. It also gave me something to look forward to on the rough days. You sound like you havea pretty strong support group around you,but, if you ever want another ear to bend,try mine.
Dale

Ur-spo said...

Try not to feel bad about going on medication. I used to feel somehow bad for having to take my blood pressure medicine. I tried for years to exercise, meditate, avoid salt etc. - but high blood pressure is in my family genetics, and darn it I have it.
I do not consider it a weakness of character that I take my medicine. And now see it as an asset and not a crutch.
I hope you and your medication can be similar.

BadgerBear said...

Aside from the genus Saracenia (pictured, I think), check out Byron Katie's "Loving What Is". She gives an amazingly simple "work", four questions, that takes all the oomph out of the what-ifs.

Really. It's simple and it's amazing.

Love you, big bear.

Lemuel said...

If I could, I would wave my magic wand and rid you of all those forces that are swirling around you and bringing you down. In the meantime, know that you are loved and use the medications (judiciously) to help you.

Ultra Dave said...

If you need it, use it. You can never be too strong to ask for help, whatever the form.

manxxman said...

I've finally weaned myself off of my Effexor after 9 years......oh there is a ringing in my head now which my doc wants to look into if it's still there are 2 months. I just hope my sex life can get back on track.

Don't feel like you've failed a test of something.....it's just life and it's often not that fair. But we're queers so we're used to that.

Scott said...

Mental health and medication suffers from a double standard in regards to physical health. I spent years resisting the need to take medication for a sometimes debilitating bipolar disorder. I tried meditation, spirituality, therapy.
Two years ago I began taking meds and the quality of my life improved dramatically.

A Troll At Sea said...

O Toasted One:

I'm with Scott. One of our biggest problems is taking onboard the fact that we have them, and wishing them away won't help: it didn't work for being gay, and [imho] it won't work for being depressive, either.

Better to get the help that helps keep the act together, and sort out the nagging questions [if a pill makes so much of a difference, what's actually still "me"?] later.

After years of wondering whether it was only my belief in the meds that made them work, my doc drily observed that in his experience the placebo effect never lasts ten years...

all the best
T@C

Greg said...

I hope you take some comfort from the wise fellows who precede me in comments here. They seem to have it all covered.

I'll just add that I hope you're doing well...and thanks for the lovely photo of the pitcher plants - they are so cool! ; )

Birdie said...

I have taken antidepressants. It is no dishonor or weakness to rectify a chemical imbalance in the brain. If it helps, then take it. As circumstances level out, however long it takes, you can eventually taper off.

You need to deal with those things in your life that are pulling on you. Let the medication help you stay present to do that. You'll be fine. I have faith in you.

gratefulbear said...

I don't think antidepressants are a "crutch" any more than the diabetes medication I take is a crutch. Take care of yourself. Like your other commenters above, I have faith in you. (((bearhugs)))

BentonQuest said...

Don't feel bad. Do what you need to do. Sometimes the meds help us to have the energy to actually heal.

Dale said...

Lets just say I won't miss this year when its over. So far 1 good week out of 39 about covers it. Hope your feeling better. Hang tough..spring is coming..lol

john said...

We are here for you buddy!!

Geezees Geezees Custom Canvas Art said...

Glad your starting to feel better...hang in there...things will get better.

Steve said...

Oh man, I wrote this really long message to you and now it's gone. Sigh.

I hate when that happens. It saps you of the will to do it again. I'll have to summarise instead. I'm 22, from Australia, I found your blog and wanted to say hey, and also:
a) stay on the meds, it's nothing shameful, if it's working for you then staying with it is the healthiest thing for you

b) I hope you don't feel as though you've lost a lot of your life from being in the closet. Think of the things you've experienced. Your kids, for example will always love you, and it's like - knowing that you have someone who always loves you (you to them i mean) is really something. They won't forget it. :)

c) I dunno how you add people to blogs but I'd like to add you to mine so i can follow you on your journey. Is that kewl?
Cheers

Firnzy 86 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
RB said...

Get some fresh air and exercise.....find a friend to talk to.....that will do you more good than anti-depressants.