Electrons on a screen rearrange so easily. Life, not.
I've been in on of those moods. Depressed? Well, not exactly. More morose? Reflective? Pensive. Not sure. (I didn't know this was going to turn out to be multiple choice).
Life isn't always multiple choice. OK. some words of a spiritual / religious / transcendent sort-of nature. If that's not your bent, it's all right to leave now.
Darkness. It seems to crowd in, sometimes. All our short-comings, inadequacies, things-left-undone, self-doubts, etc. come crashing in. Perhaps "creeping in" is better. They sneak up on you. You face the darkness. And it ain't pretty.
Trusting in God seems a troublesome thing. Where the hell is that holy and mysterious One? I know, it isn't all about comfort, and nice feelings, and warm fuzzies. It's about God. And God is not what many think (not warm fuzzy, comfort, problems-solved, etc. -- that's more toward magic: The ATM god who gives us what we want when we do the right things, enter the correct code, follow the rules).
The Presence of God is just that: Presence. Knowing we are not alone. (Perhaps "knowing" is too shallow a word - grokking?) There is a comfort, assurance, a "resting" in God - but it's still not always (or often?) "happy happy joy joy."
Trust is that believing in Presence is in the midst of Absence. Beholding Nothing, but trusting that One is there. Here. Now.
Look, I know this probably sounds really "out there." Well, that's where I am right now. Finances, loneliness, decisions, the Future, all my inadequacies - all these things seem very present to me now. And that's not the Presence I'm needing.
Somehow, somewhere, someday. I am held. I am not alone, nor abandoned. But I am lonely.
maybe I should get a dog.
8 comments:
Forgive me if my comment becomes over long. A lot to say. First, I want to thank you for this and your forthrightness about God. I believe in God and once had a great relationship with Him. And yet in the face of my gay brothers and sisters who bash any religious person I am silent nowadays and reluctant to mention this belief and faith. I'm not so stupid as to not recognize that we hurtling toward the end days. The Book of Revelations is being fulfilled (in my belief).
When I started questioning my sexuality, I turned to God. And it was He who gave me the peace to accept myself (nevermind the fear of parental reprisal). Perhaps one day I will share that story.
You speak of inadequacies. But to whom are you inadequate? The Smiths? The Joneses? Despite what we know should be, we are not all equal in our relationships, finances, and the journey called life. It's not easy to accept and sometimes creates those feelings of melancholy. And you know as well as I do that Satan has a lot to do with it. If we accept our lives and work on improving them without the depression, lonliness, and mental anguish then we are living adequately, which in truth, is acceptable.
I understand your mental state; I often allow myself to become depressed because some jerkoff cancelled a date or because I'm not feeling fulfilled at work or I can't afford to really do to my home as I'd like. But then I stop and revel in my ability to be alone and not lonely and the blessings of a job and my home.
I fear I'm rambling now. But just know that I think you're a wonderful man, one who is courageous, strong, and determined. You will make it. Of that I have no doubt.
I don't know if your dog remark was a joke or not, but it sounds like a brilliant idea to me. Get one (but not from a puppy mill please).
When's the last time someone told you that you were a beautiful person? Let me tell you, it's true.
You have probably heard somewhere along the way, "You alone can do it, but you can't do it alone." Nor do you need to! There is that SomeOne, and there may even be some one someday. But there are lots of others, too. I am impressed by the support offered you here on your blog, for instance, and I am sure you receive support (and challenges!) in other venues as well.
Never forget that when John of the Cross wrote about the dark night of the soul, the metaphor was not about abandonment but about lovers meeting in the night.
I'm not going to say much because you pretty much said it for me as well as for yourself. There have been a few dark days here of late. Pretty dark, but not pretty. So I'll not say much more, I'll just send a hug, a big one, across the miles.
Not to be a wiseass, but that dog idea is not a bad one. Dogs are a great icebreaker. And they give you love every single minute they're with you.
A relationship with God is fluid. We take our needs to him and receive according to our own levels of acceptance and openness. Acceptance is key, of ourselves as God made us to be, and of his forgiveness, wholly and without reservation. We create the struggle when it is difficult.
You are not alone, now on this earth among friends and forever.
I can understand. It happens to all of us. Not to diminish what you are feeling.
But!!! Thanks for the ATM image, I am talking about Gnosticism and like that image!
AND!!!! Nick and I are looking forward to seeing you a week from TODAY!!!!
http://verydemotivational.com/2010/07/22/demotivational-posters-trust/?utm_source=feedburner&utm_medium=feed&utm_campaign=Feed%3A+VeryDemotivational+%28Very+deMotivational%29&utm_content=Google+Reader
I saw this and thought of you!
You need to give out and receive some nice bearhugs and you will feel better!
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