Monday, May 31, 2010

"What am I gonna do . . . ."

I'm in a reflective mood, right now. Today would have been my 24th wedding anniversary, were I still married.  I'm having a heavy sad spell.
What am I gonna do, when the best part of me was always you"      from a song by the Script
Right now, that seems so true for me.  My wife was a wonderful part of me, usually the best part.  If only I could have made it work.  If only I turned out to be the nice, straight boy I wanted to be.  And sometimes still do.

I'm not really talking regrets here.  I'm just talking sadness.  I'll get through it.  Don't know if I'll ever get "over it."  For all the ways in which I have hurt her, I am deeply sorry, and deeply sad.  Of course, there were (and are) ways that I've hurt me, too. (Maybe this is one of them).  And maybe, it's just the way it was, and is.  Maybe it just is, and I should let it go, leave it be.  Some things are laid aside that easily, though.  And I did not leave my marriage easily.

She was (and is) such a great woman.  Thanks for loving me as best you could.  Not an easy task, I know.  And, as I've said, I wish that all of me could love you as much as most of me does.

Today, I'm not so happy about being gay.  I want to be.  Being gay is about more than hot gay studs with bodies, looks, endowments, and endurance I'll never have. And (in my best self) don't really care about having (well, that's not totally true).

I remember falling in love with her (and I really did, you know).  I can remember thinking (in some sick, twisted way) that I couldn't be gay because I could fall in love with a woman. Now, I wait for the other side of the coin, the obverse, the deeper truth (at least I hope it is).

I hope he will be as great as she, and that I can be all that I wanted to be, and real.
And I hope she will find someone far better than I ever could be.  (Though it's not like I was that bad, you know).  I've thought about her a lot, today.  I hope her day is going not-so-sadly as mine.

Tears come too easily tonight.  Enough.

22 comments:

Tobey said...

Hi Joe, Sorry to read that you are down. I don't know what I can possibly say to help you feel better except that I have had to deal with this too. Every May 15th & December 20th (married twice) I get somewhat these same feelings. Hang in there.

Ur-spo said...

your feelings are understandable. Let them be.

Jeremiah Andrews said...

Chin up Bear Man ...

It is better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.

Remember the time, the feelings and the emotions. Not all of them are bad I am sure. Shit happened. And you started where many men started in relationships or marriages, only to find out later that things were not as they seemed.

I held the ring and asked the question myself before I came out finally. It's a good thing I did not go through with it. At least you are still friends and have children to care for, so CHIN UP.

Sadness will pass, and the sun will rise tomorrow like it always does.

Jeremy

Lemuel said...

I share your sadness even though I am still "there". You write the words for me. I understand them. In three days your words will again hit home for me with much of their truth for me. It will be 38 for me. I, too, was in love then. I, too, told myself I could not be gay because I was marrying her.

BentonQuest said...

Joe, your feelings are totally understandable. I would be more worried if you didn't feel anything. This will pass, and then another will come. We have seasons in our lives. Know that you are in my prayers through all of this.

Ultra Dave said...

A big bear hug and a pat on the ass for you Joe.....let it go, move forward....a new chapter needs to written now.

Java said...

Ah, yes. Hugs to you, Bear Man.

jim said...

One of the things I am learning to do is embrace the sadness. Remember the good times, experience the sadness, and move forward.

I know it sound funny, but I let it flow through me and before I know it, it's gone.

Big hugs my friend.

-jim

Cubby said...

Why does Blogger keep losing my comments? I'll try again...

Awww Joe, I'm sorry you're feeling down on this important date. Your former life drew to a close; it didn't die. It still lives in your memory and lives in your children. Maybe a conversation with your kids about your sadness would be useful.

I wrote a story a few months ago which might find relevant to your situation and which might bring you a smile. I'll send it to you in your email.

Remember, you are loved. xoxo

K-A said...

Embrace your emotions as this is what makes us human and enables us to grow. You are right to do so.

Hugs!

manxxman said...

Ah......how many of us thought we could "fix" this little thing. I suppose it's more difficult if the divorce wasn't messy (mine wasn't). Still, in some ways it's like your children leaving college and then home (some actually do I'm told), it's sad, you won't see them as often, then less often.....then they have a new life. My son just got married this past weekend.....so we were all together. I'm lucky there are no feeling of awkwardness.....it's just family. I hope you have that experience too some day.

BadgerBear said...

The wound will heal, and with it, you will gain great medicine. Know that the transformation is taking place now, and that with it comes your personal strength.

Love you, big daddy bear.

Neil said...

I've been waiting for you to say that being gay is about more than hot gay studs with bodies, looks, endowments, and endurance. This would make an interesting post. What is being gay all about, in Bear Toast Joe's opinion?

To me, it is about trying and learning how to become a better person, a good friend, respectful of other people's feelings, especially (though not only) respectful of the feelings of the gay men we seduce. It is about being responsible for them. Responsibility is a key term for me here. That would save us a lot of mutual hurting and, consequently, it would earn us respect from the straight population.

I'm pretty sure that the male gay society forgets that all too often.

Ice John's World said...

Sorry that you felt a little bit down, Joe. Truth usually hurts. But at the end, that's the best for either you or your ex-wife. Good luck for you next step!

RG said...

What will you do? You'll survive, that's what you'll do.

Vương Tử Trực said...

Did you call her?

john said...

Sending out a hug for you!

publius100 said...

I'm not gonna give you platitudes. You know that. What we had in our marriages was good....but it was never on equal footing. We offered fare they could never know of. What we had, we could not share with them. They are wonderful people; we were good couples; it's nobody's fault. Foregive yourself, my friend.

Donald said...

See if this poem by Denise Levertov touches any of what you are going through at this anniversary time:

Talking to Grief

Ah, Grief, I should not treat you
like a homeless dog
who comes to the back door
for a crust, for a meatless bone.
I should trust you.

I should coax you
into the house and give you
your own corner,
a worn mat to lie on,
your own water dish.

You think I don't know you've been living
under my porch.
You long for your real place to be readied
before winter comes. You need
your name,
your collar and tag. You need
the right to warn off intruders,
to consider
my house your own
and me your person
and yourself
my own dog.

Vương Tử Trực said...

How was it going?

A Troll At Sea said...

Dearly Beloved,
Toasted Bear,

you know too well how well I know how you felt on your anniversary. I actually took flowers over to what had been my house on my 27th, two months after moving out--the same flowers we had had at our wedding reception. I think in retrospect taht it was not a good idea. My daughter certainly thought I was crazy for trying it, even when I did it--it took me a while to see it, myself.

Now we're coming up on our 31st. I would be lying if I said that I didn't have a really bad day on what would have been our 30th. Just about the only silver lining to the cloud is that most of my siblings are divorced now, so that I am only one among many, though of course I'm the only one with the cloven hoof.

Hang in there, big guy.
You know there are plenty of people who believe in you.
That's better than trying to make it just by believing in yourself...

all the best
yr very own
T@C

Anonymous said...

Been there Joe, Heck still there
Joe