"What am I gonna do . . . ."

I'm in a reflective mood, right now. Today would have been my 24th wedding anniversary, were I still married.  I'm having a heavy sad spell.

What am I gonna do, when the best part of me was always you"      from a song by the Script

Right now, that seems so true for me.  My wife was a wonderful part of me, usually the best part.  If only I could have made it work.  If only I turned out to be the nice, straight boy I wanted to be.  And sometimes still do.

I'm not really talking regrets here.  I'm just talking sadness.  I'll get through it.  Don't know if I'll ever get "over it."  For all the ways in which I have hurt her, I am deeply sorry, and deeply sad.  Of course, there were (and are) ways that I've hurt me, too. (Maybe this is one of them).  And maybe, it's just the way it was, and is.  Maybe it just is, and I should let it go, leave it be.  Some things are laid aside that easily, though.  And I did not leave my marriage easily.

She was (and is) such a great woman.  Thanks for loving me as best you could.  Not an easy task, I know.  And, as I've said, I wish that all of me could love you as much as most of me does.

Today, I'm not so happy about being gay.  I want to be.  Being gay is about more than hot gay studs with bodies, looks, endowments, and endurance I'll never have. And (in my best self) don't really care about having (well, that's not totally true).

I remember falling in love with her (and I really did, you know).  I can remember thinking (in some sick, twisted way) that I couldn't be gay because I could fall in love with a woman. Now, I wait for the other side of the coin, the obverse, the deeper truth (at least I hope it is).

I hope he will be as great as she, and that I can be all that I wanted to be, and real.
And I hope she will find someone far better than I ever could be.  (Though it's not like I was that bad, you know).  I've thought about her a lot, today.  I hope her day is going not-so-sadly as mine.

Tears come too easily tonight.  Enough.

Blogger gathering

Forgive the lack of posts.  I have actually had to be working for a living (novel thought, that).  Long days and much "stuff."

Biltmore Bloggers gathering was great fun.  Worn out from seeing the gigantic crib of the rich and famous we did gather for a picture.  It was wonderful to meet (face-to-face) with some blogger friends.

Not only have I neglected to post anything, I haven't taken the time to read many things out there in the blogosphere. So, dear friends, forgive my lack of comments and contact.  There really has been a lot going on.

Plagued with distractability (and a touch of dyslexia) reading is slow going.  Enough for now. . .

Successful Transfer of Stuff - and Compnay comes to Town

Graduation and all attendant festivities were fun, successful, and are now complete!  Yea!
All "stuff" has been returned to home base.  Yea! 
It's over 500 miles (one way) to attend my eldest's graduation.  the packing, loading, moving, and unloading took time and strength (I am so butch).  And it all got done.  Yes!

And in the mean time Larry and Greg have come to town (from Ohio) to visit my fair city and the beautiful mountains and forests and waterfalls and hiking trails that surround it!  They treated me to dinner last night (thanks guys), which was most welcome after unloading all the "stuff."

Tomorrow, Java and UltraDave are joining us for a tour of the House in the neighborhood.  Great fun!  I'll try to get some pictures of us all on our big trip.

Road Trip

OK, first off, my date was very nice.  It's a guy I really like and want to see again.  Not sure if he's the same on that score or not, but I think so.  He talked a lot; I listened a lot.  Maybe their will be some more "mutuality" in that regard next time around.  I am a good listener, but I want some air time, too.  We'll see.  Friday evening, we had dinner and walked around downtown.  This is one hopping little city, so downtown is very, very lively on a Friday evening.  It was good.  I know you're wondering . . . . .but it was just dinner and conversation.  Not that it's any of you business, and not that I'd tell you, anyway.

Eldest daughter is graduating from college this Saturday.  Yeehaa!  So tomorrow I leave for the long trip out (510+ miles there - then back again on Sunday).  It will be good to get her home, give her some TLC.  Dad's coming out process has weighed heavily on her, and some depression has set in. It isn't so much my being gay as separating from their mom, leaving the house, upsetting everything she had known as "real."  So, what is real now?

Though I believe my living authentically, telling the truth, and being who I am is very important, for me, and for her, it is going to take some time and work for her to get use to that.  We will take the time.  We will do the work.  It will be good.

High Falls

Today, youngest child and I had a fun day, venturing to a nearby state forest with several waterfalls.  We went to the highest one, uncreatively named High Falls.  Here are a few pictures.  It's really much bigger than it even begins to appear in a photograph.  You just gotta see it - and hear it - for yourself.

The folk in the picture are probably 100 feet or more in front of the falls.  Click to really embiggen it.


That's me near the base of the falls.  You can't even see the top tier of falls from this angle.  I'm still farther away than you might think.  There is quite a bit of spray from the water, too.

Of course, there are many more spectacular waterfalls in the world.  This ain't no Niagara or Iguassu.  But it's right here in our back yard, and I love it. 

And in other news . . . .

I had a date last night.  A real one.  It was quite nice.  Indeed.  This is a different man from the last date on which i reported.  I really like this guy.  We've known each other a year or so and actually had a meal together before (but that didn't count, exactly), and seen each other at gatherings.  Somehow, for whatever reason, this was different.  Less eventful than you might (like to) imagine, but that's fine.  It was good.

Seize the Derby

Well, the Derby party was very nice.  Indeed.  Lovely.  I did not wear a harness, nor was it hosted by any of my "customers" (to respond to Dr. Benton Quest's furry question).
But it did get interesting.

I'd been asked to pick up one of the party goers, as he did not drive (something about a seizure disorder, or something), and it was on my way.  No prob.  And he was (is) not bad on the eyes, either.

After arrival, it was time for the requisite mint juleps.  I brought fresh mint from the garden of the home of C & S along with the hors d'oeuvres (with which C helped me greatly. Merci!)

Said guest (whom I transported) was very nice, but drank a wee bit too much.  Not that much, mind you, but it didn't take much (combined with pain medication) to counter-act his seizure medication.  You know what happened . . . . 

Band Bump. "What was that?.   Raising children contributes to one being a quick responder.  Being raised by a critical care nurse also prepares one for many things.  So, off I go.  Curled up on the floor, blood spewing out. A small seizure, but a seizure, nonetheless.  And a room full of queens.

"Please get me a cold, clean wash cloth.  Now. And a large towel."  Stretch him out carefully.  Watch the neck. Where's the blood coming from?  "OMG! should we call 911!?"   "That'd be a great idea.  But tell them not to use sirens. Could you check his wallet and see if he has a medications list." 

Meanwhile, the first responders arrive, secure his neck, check vitals, etc.  [Firefighters are so hot. And this time was no exception.]  They call the ambulance for transport to the ER.  "I'll follow."  "Oh my, do you know how to get to the hospital."  Oh, yes.  I'm very familiar.  I visit there often.  (Part of my rather strange employment.  I even have a little badge that gets me in to things.)

It rather shortened the party atmosphere.  But while the EMTs were working with him, I got the chance to finish my dessert.

Actually, it had some grace in the situation.  He needed some medications adjusted - big time.  Having suffered a stroke of some sort many years earlier, our friend has a mild seizure disorder and some other issues.  I just didn't have in mind to find out all about them quite that way.

He's better, home from the hospital.  And my horse lost.

Post time

I've been invited to a Kentucky Derby party today!  Interestingly, or amazingly, I've never attended one before.  Should I wear a harness? 

I'm just saying.