Catching Up

I am reading Michael Thomas Ford's book Full Circle.  A fan of his work, I am finding this the best yet.

The main character, Ned, reflects on his life, growing up gay in the 60's and onward.  Ford weaves a great tale.  Ned would be the age of my oldest brother, not much more than me.  

What would it be like, growing up gay, and knowing it?  I can't imagine.  Though I know I am not alone, sometimes I feel it.  I know a number of gay men around my age (I'm 54), but most came out when they were younger. Even those who, like me, had been married.  I feel like, "What do I know about this?"

I guess I haven't earned my "street cred."  I just haven't had much time to fully embrace all this, embrace me.  I know, it will come. 

As I seek to begin to think about the possibility of the idea of being in relationship, (beyond friends, beyond "playmates", into the deep stuff) I get scared.  But also, I don't know where to begin: with my heart, my mind, my spirit.  The body part I got figured out.   That I can do.

Knowing where to draw lines, where to cross them, what they encompass, what that restrict.  Is this a "date" or just having a meal?  Are we talking friendship, or open to more possibilities?  Making love? Or just playing around?

And, are we still friends?  just friends?  More than friends?

I am trusting this will work out.  I will learn.  I do trust.  But I ain't got lots of time to work all this out.  Not lots of time for hit and miss, learn-as-you-go, next times.

Gay Wisdom

Finding about about gays and lesbians down through history has been helpful and encouraging for me.  I urge you to check our Gay Wisdom.  You can reaceive an email everyday with bits about famous (infamous) GLBTQ folk,  Plus occasional articles and news.  Publishers of White Crane Journal, these folk do a great job. 

The daily emails are free.  And, you can subscribe to White Crane, if you want.  Or just give to support this valuable resource.

And in other news . . . . .

Regarding my last post and comments I received, let me comment on a comment from Lemuel.  His advice is wise. 

I don't want to get too "pushy."  I know the balance is delicate.  Part of the irritation for me is that some "customers" may just disappear, and I know I have no control over that.  How do I balance talking about it, and leaving it be?  I want folk to talk instead of just avoiding me, or the issue. 

But I can't control any of it.   Wait, watch, and pray. 

Whose business

We've had some discussion at my place of business about me.  Coming out.  The boss is gay!  He's queer.  OMG!

Hasn't been that dramatic. But is has been serious.  Things are still (generally) going very well.  We are feeling the pinch of the economic crush.  )At least I'm hoping it's the crunch and not about me. Probably a bit grandiose of me, but, well, hey.)

At our "board" meeting, I asked "how things are going? what are you hearing?  any fall out that we need to talk about?"

Of course, again, the old paen that is really isn't anybody's business.  Of course it's not.  That's right.  And i can't believe what I said back to them:

"Well, no.  It may not be anybody's business.  But straight people seem to make my life their business.  I'm the one living with the condemnation, the secrecy, the hiding.  "Don't ask, don't tell" is easy when it's not your life."

Oh, my.  I'm not sure it came out that clearly, succinctly, or (actually) forcefully.  But it's the gist of what i said.  Yes.  I am going to make it my business.

I'm gay.  And I'm here to stay. 

It really helps me to say that.

Thanks

Thanks for tall the comments and warnings I received on my last post.  Yes.  I do know that dangers, and I plan to heed your warnings.  I'm not really interested in this person who works with (and for) me except as a friend. The vibes I'm getting from him make me cautious.  I think he is interested.  My bad is that I can be such a flirt, sending signals that aren't meant to be taken seriously.  Well, not too seriously.

Much to learn yet have I.  And then, there are all the excuses we make about "Oh, I'm different.  I can handle this.  This situation will be different."  Such dangerous stuff.

My coming out in the work place has allowed this man to talk about his being gay in ways he never has before.  Maybe it's freeing for him, too.  He has worked there far longer than I have, and is quite secure in his job. It is a very specialized field he's in, and he is only part time, and much beloved by our "customers / constituents".  Several years older than I, I think he's lonely. 

So, it really would be a sticky wicket for sure.  

The task is continuing with a friendly, yet professional, relationship, as another gay person on staff . . . . . . that's going to be a chore.

Sticky Wickets

OK, it's getting warmer.  The snow is going.  The sap is rising.  Yes, mine, too.

Tonight at a function at my place of business, where many people show up for dinner and a program, we had beer with supper.  Now that's a little different, but not unheard of for us.  We are a fun crowd.

I was the program, or I should say, I was presenting the program.  It was entertaining, basically accurate, lively, informative, and entertaining.  Well, I am entertaining. 

There is someone with whom I work, another gay man, who seems interested in me.  Hmmmm......  There is, however, a small problem:  we work together.

Well, actually, it is one very big-ass problem:  I am kind of, well, his supervisor.  Oh hell, I am his boss, the boss, the Big Boss.  This kind of thing could prove very sticky (and not in a good way).

I like him.  He is nice.  But I'm not  . . . .  I don't know.  It could be ethically challenging.  I am SO glad I'm not a congressman.

Why the Green Man tonight?  Well, why ever not.  Hope for Spring.

Learning to Breathe

It still doesn't feel so much "better," but it is better.  I know.  There is weight upon me still, and not in a good way.

At a recent business meeting, I talked with a colleague about it all.  It's like, now that I am out, there is no need to hide, no more pretense, no more faking it.  No more pretending.

And that's it, exactly.  No more pretending.

It seems like grief.  It feels like mourning.  I've given over so much energy (in the past) to bottling all of this stuff up.  Now the pressure is off.  The weight lifted.  And there's a bit of emptiness.  I'm saying any of that is bad stuff; I'm just describing how it's feeling.  Different.  A little empty.  I can no longer pretend I am something I am not.

So now, it's discovering who I am.  What does it mean.  And, yes, there is still a part of me that longs to be "typical."  By that I mean, "straight," married, happy family, promising career, etc.

[I'm coming to dislike the word straight as meaning "heterosexual."  Straight has too many other fine uses.  And I know a lot of straight people who are bent in their own ways.  I prefer the term typical because that is the norm.  There are more of them than us.  That kind of life is more, well, typical.  There are limits to that word, too.  But for now . . . . .]

I am mourning. And I can't pretend any more that it will ever be so.

Now, mind you, this is not regret.  I regret many things in my life.  But what is past, is past.  Can't go back, re-do, un-do or anything like that.  I don't regret my children, or event he many good years I had with a very good wife.  This is not regret.  But it is mourning.  Grief.

And there is much to celebrate, too.  And I'll get on with that, in time.

This is all new.  In this case, new IS good.  Now, I'm discerning how life will look, feel, be.

Another colleague said I'm beginning to breathe in new life.  New air.  New.

And in other news, it has snowed some more.  I'm ready for Spring.
You know, I'm ready for a lot of things.  Bring it on.