Tuesday, January 26, 2010

Not so bad


The Great Outing is going well.  Mostly, amazing support and affirmation.  Some concerns and questions from a few.  But generally, it's going very very well.

I'm still adjusting.  After so many years of a "double life" of sorts, it is a challenge to bring those lives together.  And,  I realize how my "lives" need some congruence.  This is a challenge.  I am feeling that the once-hidden life can't go on the way it did.  I'm out, now.  And, I am out.  So, no pretending, no hiding, nothing that might endanger my job.  It's a call to some new, honest, authentic behaviors.

This brings up a lot of new questions:  How do I feel about getting into a relationship?  What about monogamy?  What about playful friends?  What about celibacy? 

I'm going to take the time to discern this new life, just as I've taken the time to discern how, when, in what way to come out. 

In working with my "constituents" (or "customers"), it is painful when some of them cannot accept me as gay.  For a (very) few, I am suddenly not good enough. Well, so be it for them.  I've listened and tried to be non-judgmental, non-anxious, and not get angry.  Even though some have expressed some old, out-dated, terrible things - all the old stuff about "recruiting", immorality, suggesting that I chose this.  No logical, fact-filled argument will convince anyone.  It is, in a sense, a matter of conversion of the heart more than the mind.

Here's hoping.

19 comments:

Neil said...

So all questions you ask yourself are related to being gay...

behrmark said...

Sounds to my like you're doing an excellent job of not getting caught up in the negativity. I wonder how many of your "constituents" realize that you're the same man today as you were before coming out. Behr Hugs for your continuing journey!

Java said...

How wonderful that it's going so well. I wish you all the best as you bring the factions of your life together.

behrmark said...

Joe - I've nominated you for the Kreativ Blogger award. Check out my post for details!

http://behrblather.blogspot.com/2010/01/and-award-goes-to-me.html

Topper said...

So some are using the tired, old, outdated ideas of what it is to be gay. Not surprising, yet I understand how painful that can be. As behrmark stated they do not realize you are the same person now as you always were. The only difference I see is your out, being very open and honest as well as trusting about that. The Lord has certainly done and is doing a work in your life through this journey we call coming out.

Bigg said...

Oh, Bear. I feel for you. I know that the slights and hurts always seem so much larger than the triumphs at this point in the game. It gets better, I promise.

Ur-spo said...

This brings up a lot of new questions: How do I feel about getting into a relationship? What about monogamy? What about playful friends? What about celibacy?
Dearie, Are you asking wondering which is best for you, or what we think is the best to be?
the first is - who knows yet
the second is - don't let people guide you on this one

Jeremiah Andrews said...

So you're gay. Was it really news? Does God really care in any case?

Time to cultivate your authentic self and come to love yourself warts and all gay/male/beautiful/wise.

How about a relationship? It isn't out of the cards I would imagine. If you can't keep it in your pants then why bother. Monogamy is a virtue. Once you commit - You Commit. Can you live a life of debauchery and sexual promiscuity? I like Monogamy, especially because I am married - many years now.

Discernment does not come overnight and God does not speak directly for the most part so pay attention to the little things.

If THEY can't deal with you being GAY then FUCK THEM... It's just a word, your services did not change just because you came out. But their perceptions of a homosexual must not be up to speed. Fuck Em anyways...

Don't sweat the small stuff...
At least the drama is over now.
Thank the Creator ....

LIVE LIVE LIVE ... LIFE IS A BANQUET AND MOST POOR SUCKERS ARE STARVING...

Auntie Mame ...

Lemuel said...

I continue to celebrate with you that things are going well overall. I had to chuckle and your list of new questions - or more so at how you posted them.
As for those who are not accepting and are asking you the typical questions, I guess that is to be expected. They are scraping for validation for their own world view. I am often somewhat amused but more often astounded at their thinking. Why would any of us want to "recruit" others for this painful life? Why would any of us "choose" a life that would put us through such pain, discrimination, and hate and subject ourselves to the grilling of people like themselves. As with many other things in their world view, there has to be a logical disconnect for them.

Michael Dodd said...

Love the picture, BTW.

Birdie said...

In a discussion elsewhere, someone pointed out that monogamy and fidelity are not the same thing. It is up to the members of a relationship to determine the boundaries of that relationship. Whatever it is, fidelity to that agreement is the measure of commitment. If one cannot abide by your agreed boundaries, it's time for a talk—with each other.

I can't help but note that you have stayed true to your professed goal in your profile: "Seeking life with honesty, integrity, authenticity, love and some joy, too." Here's wishing you great joy as you continue in your journey.

AJohnP said...

Listen to Ur-Spo on this one. as we Bostonians would say - "He is wicked smahht!"

Keep smiling... :-)

Ütopya said...

I've just come across ypur blog and I'm really impressed by your positive thinking and motivation. I think you just do the right thing and I'm sure people will get used to live with the reality. I have a few gay friends in Istanbul and one of them has ended his marriage, told the truth to his family and though he has lost some of his friends( which means they were not real friends!) he is much more happier than his old life. Take care...See you...Burcu from Istanbul:)

manxxman said...

You can "recruit" me anytime you want.....

Jeffery said...

Congrats on your coming out process.

Greg said...

That first step is always the hardest. Seems to me like you're doing just fine.

Ice John's World said...

Give yourself time and figure out what you want to do. You have been walking so far. Now it is time to welcome the bright future.

Donald said...

Step by step... wisely and slowly...

Congratulations!

massi said...

maybe too many questions at the same time can't help you find your way.
take it easy, as it comes day by day.
don't worry so mutch about who can't accept your life: is their problem, not your.