Music, encore

How do I know I'm doing better, feeling better, coming out of the depths? Music.

I've started listening to music again. And it's so much fun!

Now, I have very eclectic taste, when it comes to music. Classical of one sort or another is my usual fare through local public radio. But there is more than one public station in these parts. But there is also Itunes. Remember, I have teenagers. And one of their Ipods is on my computer. And, my girls love both all the contemporary fare of the day, plus Broadway, some classical, etc.

So, right now, I'm listening to "Phantom of the Opera" (soundtrack from the movie). Wish I had a sub-woofer. Lately I've also been through "West Side Story" and "Wicked." Of course, there has been some meditative aboriginal flute music, a little bit of rock-n-roll, and at least one good, strong chorus of "I'm coming out."

Don't forget the Anonymous Four, and Chanticleer (for you, raybobbear - oh, please send me some Baroque suggestions). Ur-Spo, could you suggest some opera?

What do you like? Why let my teenagers do all the downloading?

My turn, now. Please get this gay boy up to speed.

A great outing!

Oh. My. God.

Tonight I came out to my girls. I cannot believe how well it went. They knewm but didn't. They wondered, but never expressed it. Somehow, they had figured it out. They were wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.

Oh my God. I never could have imagined how well it could go.

Thank you all for sending prayers, good vibes, thoughts, and great juju in my direction.

Now the journey takes a new turn. But not nearly so frightening and lonely as I feared.

An Outing in the Mountains

Living in the mountains is wonderful. I know you westerners may think our mountains are wimpy, and surely they are by Rocky Mtn. standards. But we love them. I love them. After a week or so of heat, we've settled into more usual weather: Highs in the low 80's or high 70's during the day. At night it drops to a crisp mid-50's. The humidity is down and it's magnificent. What a great place to be.

This Sunday evening, I come out to my kids. One thing or another has caused the great outing to get pushed later and later into the month. I want to get this over with! Part of me dreads it, of course. The emotional energy will be immense; so will the relief. But part of me is excited about getting this done. Finally, I can begin to become more and more real with my daughters. It's not that I've been "false" with them, but I have been hidden. There is a barrier between us that will begin to come down, I hope.

Of course, I must remain the adult, the parent, the grown up. I tend to want everyone to be my "friend." But this are my children, not just some random young adults. {Flash to Star Wars: "Luke, I am your father!"}

We need rain, here in the mountains. As beautiful as the weather is, we need rain. Rain to soften the soil, to nourish growth, to wash away grit and dust. We need rain.

I pray for rain: a rain of courage, grace, and stability. Rain to wash, to nourish, to soften.

Send good vibes, prayers, thoughts for me and my children on Sunday evening. Pray for rain.

Starlike eyes

And now for a little poetry break . . . . . .

Mine eyes that are enamored of things fair
And this my soul that for salvation cries
May never heavenward rise
Unless the sight of beauty lifts them there.
Down from the loftiest star
A splendor falls on earth,
And draws desire afar
To that which gave it birth.
So love and heavenly fire and counsel wise
The noble heart finds most in starlike eyes.

Michelangelo c. 1534

The Test

I have done it before, this wasn't the first time. And, I couldn't really think of a reason to worry. But I was. Anxious. Concerned. Scared. One always is, no?

I hadn't done anything unsafe, dangerous, stupid. At least, I couldn't remember anything. I haven't done much, really. But I needed a follow up from several months ago. I'd missed doing that. One needs to know. We need to be aware.

The nurse came in. (He was a very handsome bear). Goodness. He put me at ease. He drew blood, he did the quick-test, too. As we waited for the quick-test to do its thing, I talked. I confessed, I shared. He told me that he had been married, too. Has a son, now grown. He shared his story with me. And he let me talk. I cried. I really cried. I guess the tension, anxiety, whatever.

Times up. Results. Negative.

I cried more. He let me hug him, and he just held me. And let me cry. Such a relief.

Every now and then, we all need to have an HIV test. We just need to do it. What if it were positive? I had already decided that I have come to far to even think about giving up. We'll deal with it. Whatever we need to do. What ever I need to do.

No turning back. No giving up. And I am so grateful. Do the test.

Urge to Kill

Ive been in another city, visiting with my father and stepmother. He had some minor surgery, no big deal, but when you're nearly 85, anything can seem like a big deal. And, he has an incredible flare for drama!

His surgery, normally outpatient, has meant an over-night stay for him. Thank you GOD! He is a terrible, incorrigible, grumpy, and very impatient, patient! He gets so needy and yet so demanding. When I'm around, he wants to do it all himself; when he has a hard time of it, it's all my fault. When a friend comes to visit, he's helpless, all of a sudden.

He has the innate skill to push all my buttons, jerk all my chains, rub everything the wrong way.

I'm proud of myself; all those years of therapy haven't been for naught. I did not kill him. In fact, I did very well.

I'm so glad to be home!

Being, Doing

As it has been said by others (and I can't remember whom): What it means to be gay has been largely defined by the straight world against which we see ourselves. THE defining attribute is sex: what we do with our genitals. I know it is more than that, but that is one big, hairy, defining thing (at least I am LOL).

It is more than just "same sex attraction", but we know that seems to be the big presenting issue, the symptom (if you will) of being gay. If we cannot precisely define it, how might we describe it?

I will be coming out to my teenage children. Without giving too much information about sex (they may have way too much as it is), how do I define, describe, delineate, talk about, help-them-understand what it means to be gay.

We know how to do gay, how do we be it? And what do we say about it?

Your thoughts, ideas, comments, resources are invited. Please.

Just Grow up! Oh, is that all.

Advice on how (and when) to come out to my children has been coming at me from several sources. They are not altogether welcome but important to listen to. Important, because it comes from some counselors with some familiarity with the situation and with coming out stuff. Not altogether welcomed because I'm (overly?) sensitive to such criticism, intended as critiques.

I want to focus on the children (older teenagers) and their needs. But when I get critiques (criticisms) that I'm being "too self-focused, too narcissistic, too focused on my inner struggles, not focused enough on them" I get confused, depressed, and I want to run away. (Yes, I know that is not the adult response, but it's still what I want to do).

So, is this what I say, "I'm your father. I love you. I'm gay. That's why we're getting a divorce. Any questions?"

How do I talk about me and focus on them and not reveal too much and respond to where they are (of course I have no idea where that is)? How do I be the parent and not try to be the friend or make them confidants (inappropriately).

I think I'm not a very good parent, sometimes. But trust me, they could have done a helluva lot worse! I feel like I need to "grow up" so much more than I have. I am feeling the scared little kid yearning for hugs. I have to be the adult, the parent, the responsible one.

I know this will take time.

I have a lot of growing up to do. A lot. And fast.