Tuesday, November 06, 2007


Sex. Each of us must work out what works for him or her (I'm guessing my multitude of readers are him's, though). How to, when to, and with whom.

And, of course there is the old relationship debate: monogamous, open, play around, only togehter, only apart. I know that some may struggle with the whole issue of "if." "Should I have sex outside of marriage/commited relationship?

But queers are different. And we must develop new sets of moral behaviors and not simply apply those of the striaght world to our lives. That could be a rationalization, but I don't think it is, completely.

When all of this is in the abstract it is very interesting. But when it come to my very own self personally, I can but get into trouble. All too often, I have. My life is becoming unmanagible. I don't like being powerless, but I am. I can't stop.

Now, to many this may sound like a joke, or something of raunchy humor. But sex addiction is very real, very powerful, cunning, baffling.

This past summer, a friend and colleague of mine got arrested at the restroom in a public park in a nearby small town. He'd never come out to me, though I suspected (strongly). Actually, he'd not even really come out to himself. His arrest (yes, it was an entrapment) was part of that county's big summer-long "sting" operation. So, it was published on the front page of the newspaper. He has lost job, family, nearly everything. I've come so close.

I don't want my life to be made up of anonymous hook-ups or even one-night-stands. But there are times, when I get started cruising that I just cannot stop. Often, I take the initiative and push. Sometimes though, I am not looking and someone pushes to pick me up. And I can't say no.

I am not controlling it. The lust is controlling me. So, I'm back with my twelve-step group. I am powerless, and my life has become unmanageable. It sucks energy and life out of me. (That's not meant to be a pun).

I am sad and SOOOOO angry that this is where I am.


BentonQuest said...

Joe, thanks for sharing this with us. I think sex addiction is something that we often joke about but do not understand. Thanks for the insight into the real pain that this can have in your life.

I am happy you have a group to support you. Know that there are those of us, here, who are in your corner cheering for you.

A Troll At Sea said...


who says love, fidelity, honesty, and trust are "straight" values?

We may be less devious about how they're applied, but everyone needs to consider what love means to them.

As I have learned to my cost, "open" often means PRETENDING nobody cares.

They often do anyway.


Anglican4ever said...

I really enjoy reading your blog, and have rediscovered it recently. Its a blessing. Thanks also for being so honest about your struggle. I know that I myself struggle with it as well in the form of pornography and for a while, anonymous hook-ups. I just got to tired of feeling empty and used. After all, what I really want is a loving, committed, healthy and monogamous relationship. I just don't think that the open to play thing would ever work for me in a million years. IMHO open relationships are not relationships at all, just f**k buddies. Someone always ends up getting hurt and/or the short end of the stick.


john said...

I think the fact that you acknowledge that you have a problem is the beginning.
It's a compulsion and something that needs to be dealt with using professional therapy.

Tay Hota said...

sounds like a difficult but productive time of growth for you... You are working towards an amazing life... Thanks for sharing...