Monday, July 09, 2007

A Gay Bar

Wife and I met today with our therapist. He commended us on what a fabulous job we have done in preparing for the separation. It has been two weeks today that I have been out of the house. And, I'm feeling a bit guilty about feeling so good.

Yes, I am so sad and ache for my family and the difficulties they are having. Yes, there is sometimes some deep loneliness and bewilderment on my part. Basically, however, I am feeling great.

Mainly it is the incredible weight that has lifted. Out to myself. Out to my wife. Out to a very few friends. Made some new friends. Now, out of the house. On my own. The nearly constant anxiety surrounding the waiting (and indeed, surrounding the relationship) has begun to be sloughed off or washed away.

OK, I've been to a gay bar in our local small city. (All right, it's Asheville). And, I had a great time. I don't feel some sense of desperation to pick somebody up (indeed, did not want to, didn't try). But just being around a bunch of gay men, getting some hugs, having some beers. Of course I was a bit shy and hung back. But I can be a really bold one, sometimes.

There was one exceptionally handsome bear that I kept staring at. he stared back, a bit. So, as he waited at the bar, I went up to him and said, "Look, I don't mean to stare, but I'm just out of the closet and can count on one hand the times I've been to a gay bar. And, you are so good to look at, I just couldn't help myself. I'm just enjoying."

We exchanged names and talked. That was all. That was really all I wanted. I guess it could have been a good pickup line (or a really bad one), I'm clueless. But it was the truth.

My sex-addict compulsions seem to have lessened tremendously. I don't want to take any chances. I am beginning to feel so much more comfortable with myself.

"To be born again is not to become someone else; it is to become fully yourself."

10 comments:

Jeremiah Andrews said...

Bear !!!

He lives and he writes again. Congrat's bud, you've come a long way with the wife. Remember when out in public that we are gay and that we are human. Looking is ok, chatting is ok, hey the ego must be healthy if you got a phone number.

Just think about the choices you make in regards to whom and where. It is human to love and desire. That's what makes us human.

"Life with a side of caution is always mindful to remember."

Be well, Enjoy your life and don't be so self critical or you will sabotage any chances of integration.

Good to hear from you.

Jeremy

johnmichael said...

Yay for you!!

Ur-spo said...

the trip through the eye of the needle!

bear said...

A good feeling to escape the closet - it's the WORST!! Brave step too, with the family. I found connecting and making gay friends (not just people to sleep with) was really helpful in the transition and coping. :)
I wonder if the compulsion is really a reaction to repressing your feelings towards other guys, and now that you're not, the compulsion has gone, er, subsided. I think it happened to me too...the sight of ANY bearish guy would drive me nuts, now I'm MUCH more descriminating.

Lemuel said...

I am so happy for you! I think this all bodes well.

daveincleveland said...

dude so glad to hear this, this is awesome, cannot wait for my time....how is your wife doing with all this and the kids......so happy for you buddy

Ross said...

This is probably the most upbeat post I have ever seen on your blog. I'm very happy for you. Don't feel guilty about being happy. Just take it easy.

A Troll At Sea said...

BearToast:

congratulations! it took me weeks to stop mourning, look around, and try to connect. But I did, and while I can't say that the men I met in those first months are likely to remain my closest friends for life, I do owe them an enormous debt of gratitude for reaching out to me when I felt completely alone and without any place to call home.

Keep up the good work.
And don't give up on what counts... becoming fully yourself.

T@C

Steve F. said...

It's not surprising that you're feeling good. After all, the lying, cheating, and denial are all like having a poisoned arrow in your chest. Pulling it out is the first step to recovery and healing...

Congratulations. You have done the right things, and it sounds like you have done them the right way. There is much to commend there.

It sounds ridiculous, but I envy you the freedom of the gay bar.

When I was in Chicago, and had access to some of the best gay bars (reasonably decent places where I would have gone with non-drinking friends to just hang out) I was too desperately closeted to even consider it.

Now, in Toledo, the gay bars here have a reputation of being like a bus-terminal lavatory - just this side of disgusting.

Add to that that as a guy in recovery, about the last place I belong when I'm hungry, angry, lonely or tired is a bar, and yeah, I get envious of your ability to just go in and have a few beers and a few hugs.

Yeah, I can get the hugs at the gay AA meetings. But it's not a great pickup/hookup location.

God, grant me the serenity to just accept where the hell I'm at. And to celebrate your newfound freedom, peace and self-acceptance.

WheelerCub said...

I stumbled upon your blog and good for you! You're on your way to finding out who you really are deep down inside and each step of your journey will bring you closer to self actualization. Cheers!!!