Wife and I met today with our therapist. He commended us on what a fabulous job we have done in preparing for the separation. It has been two weeks today that I have been out of the house. And, I'm feeling a bit guilty about feeling so good.
Yes, I am so sad and ache for my family and the difficulties they are having. Yes, there is sometimes some deep loneliness and bewilderment on my part. Basically, however, I am feeling great.
Mainly it is the incredible weight that has lifted. Out to myself. Out to my wife. Out to a very few friends. Made some new friends. Now, out of the house. On my own. The nearly constant anxiety surrounding the waiting (and indeed, surrounding the relationship) has begun to be sloughed off or washed away.
OK, I've been to a gay bar in our local small city. (All right, it's Asheville). And, I had a great time. I don't feel some sense of desperation to pick somebody up (indeed, did not want to, didn't try). But just being around a bunch of gay men, getting some hugs, having some beers. Of course I was a bit shy and hung back. But I can be a really bold one, sometimes.
There was one exceptionally handsome bear that I kept staring at. he stared back, a bit. So, as he waited at the bar, I went up to him and said, "Look, I don't mean to stare, but I'm just out of the closet and can count on one hand the times I've been to a gay bar. And, you are so good to look at, I just couldn't help myself. I'm just enjoying."
We exchanged names and talked. That was all. That was really all I wanted. I guess it could have been a good pickup line (or a really bad one), I'm clueless. But it was the truth.
My sex-addict compulsions seem to have lessened tremendously. I don't want to take any chances. I am beginning to feel so much more comfortable with myself.
"To be born again is not to become someone else; it is to become fully yourself."